Do you need to call yourself an alcoholic to recover?

[Cabbagejam]

Hello. I'm after a bit of advice. I'm trying to support my friend as I believe her husband is an alcoholic, from everything she has explained to me. He drinks fairly excessively at the weekend until he passes out and she is aware that he has drunk in secret in the morning whilst she went out.

She is going to speak to him about his drinking. In my view, he needs to agree that he is an alcoholic and stop drinking entirely, or I can't see him getting better. Would you agree or is there a middle ground where he can still drink but control it? Does he need to agree he is an alcoholic to get better? Or can he just agree he has an issue? I'm worried about it being swept under the carpet.

Thanks for any advice.

Have a look on Al Anon's website, the info there is far more useful than any response I could write www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I'd recommend SMART recovery friends and family. Also do a zoom meeting on a Wednesday night. However if evenings don't work then she can try the Aus / USA ones instead.

Al Anon is ok, lots of friendly people who have been in the same situation as your friend. I don't really like the god stuff though. SMART is about building coping strategies. It's cBD therapy based.

No you absolutely don't have to say you are an alcoholic to stop drinking. It's an outdated term that keeps people from stopping drinking (because if you don't fit the bill of an alcoholic people don't think its a problem) I used to drink too much and agonised over the word. I had a job, didn't have a problem not drinking on many occasions but on other occasions I would drink far more than I intended and suffer crippling hangovers the following day.
In the end it doesn't matter. Alcohol wasn't letting me live my best life so I binned it completely. I read Alcohol Lied to Me by Craig Beck and never looked back.

My brother was an alcoholic and wouldn't acknowledge he was one right up until he died. So for me it seemed he was in denial and wouldn't/couldn't accept help as he would not accept that he was an alcoholic. So sad and such a waste of a thoroughly lovely man.

The term 'alcoholic' seems to be a sticking point on Mumsnet.

Someone posts - "I drink two bottles of wine a night, am I an alcoholic?" and a whole slew of responses come back debating the issue as to whether the OP is an 'alcoholic' or not.

This completely overlooks the fact that the OP is knocking back 7 times over the recommended weekly alcohol consumption regardless of how you label him/her.

If you're drinking to excess, whether it be daily, weekly, binge drinking, wanting it, craving it, needing it, or just enjoying it a little too much, and can't go without it then you KNOW you've got a problem with booze.

Call yourself an alcoholic if you want, call yourself a problem drinker, call yourself someone who just likes a drink or two to unwind. You absolutely KNOW yourself if your drinking is an issue by the amount you get through.

The equivalent of one and a half bottles of wine a week - spread out over 7 days, with two or three days completely alcohol free is deemed 'safe' drinking. Anything over that needs looking at.

@SerenTarot

The term 'alcoholic' seems to be a sticking point on Mumsnet.

Someone posts - "I drink two bottles of wine a night, am I an alcoholic?" and a whole slew of responses come back debating the issue as to whether the OP is an 'alcoholic' or not.

This completely overlooks the fact that the OP is knocking back 7 times over the recommended weekly alcohol consumption regardless of how you label him/her.

If you're drinking to excess, whether it be daily, weekly, binge drinking, wanting it, craving it, needing it, or just enjoying it a little too much, and can't go without it then you KNOW you've got a problem with booze.

Call yourself an alcoholic if you want, call yourself a problem drinker, call yourself someone who just likes a drink or two to unwind. You absolutely KNOW yourself if your drinking is an issue by the amount you get through.

The equivalent of one and a half bottles of wine a week - spread out over 7 days, with two or three days completely alcohol free is deemed 'safe' drinking. Anything over that needs looking at.

Well said.

Unfortunately my Ex DP is in denial because he is a binge drinker (and coke taker) rather than a daily drinker. Despite the fact that the neighbours phoned the police and asked them to do a welfare check in DD and I and he spent a night in the cells, he still doesn't think he has a problem.

Thanks everyone for your comments.

We've just had a catch up. He doesn't think he has a problem. He could stop drinking if he wanted to. He just doesn't want to. I can't see him getting better.

I'll direct my friend in the direction of the resources above. She seems to think if she just says or does the right thing, he'll see he has a problem and get help.

I believe the word “ alcoholic “ is a lot of the reason some people can’t accept they have a dependance or issue . Those people see an “ alcoholic “ as a person who drinks in the morning or a homeless person drinking in the park or who’s downing a litre of vodka before the school run etc etc etc …. So it’s a get out of jail free card … I can’t be “ alcoholic “ because I don’t do XYZ .

The reality is that alcohol use disorder is much more complex and the spectrum of dependency is vast . Anybody with an unhealthy relationship with alcohol could be on that spectrum but denying they have an issue because how can they possibly be “ “alcoholic “ when they don’t do XYZ.

The above is why the term “ alcoholic” is a red herring in recovery .

I thought it was important to use the word alcoholic but I now see I was wrong.

He won't admit he has an issue at all though, which must be the first step to recovery.

It’s not an absolute @Cabbagejam but that’s certainly my thoughts on it .

It’s more complex than a word sadly and not everyone with alcohol use disorder is physically dependant . I just am hyper aware that the word “ alcoholic “ brings up images that some then use to deny there own alcohol problem .

Well I tried to moderate and it was harder and involved more mental agonising than just quitting outright.

I think the idea of an alcoholic is almost irrelevant. My question to myself is does alcohol take more than it gives? And yes it did for me so I decided to stop. It was pretty clear cut. I don’t think I was an alcoholic but I don’t know and I’m not really interested in the labelling as it’s not helpful for me. If people ask I just say for health reasons (familial cancers) and the fact I was relying on it too much to relax etc.. I decided to quit. Everyone (pretty much) has been great.

He needs to see and admit he has a problem, otherwise he wouldn’t have anything to recover from. But he wouldn’t need to use the weird alcoholic.
12 Step fellowships are keen on self labelling, but there are other ways to get dry.

I say I am a problem drinker. I had to stop 9 years ago as it really was killing me. The word Alcoholic has so many 'old fashioned' connotations. Some people feel more comfortable and find it easier to admit to their problems by using it as a label, but personally I don't.
Whatever it is, he is clearly not able to manage without drinking abnormally, so he (and she) need help. It's an awful situation to be in for them both.

And yep, he has to know he has a problem before he can get help. That's the hardest hardest bit!