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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Tiptoe around the alcoholic at Christmas

25 replies

Wondering1000 · 10/12/2021 20:06

My MIL is a drinker. A big one. This is something which everyone knows and does nothing about as she passes out on the sofa after a couple of bottles of wine maybe 3-4 times a week? We don't live nearby, but we do stay with them every now and then. This wasn't an issue (well it was, but you know) until we had DC. They're starting to get old enough (i.e. not a literal baby) that I think they'll notice that MIL is drunk. I really don't want them exposed to that.

Has anyone had any success with asking a drinker to hold off - at least until DC is asleep? Or, even better, any ideas how to even begin to broach the conversation of the impact of drinking on the relationship with DGC?

OP posts:

EssexLioness · 10/12/2021 20:31

Personally I wouldn’t stay over. Even if she agrees, you can’t trust her to keep her word and it will prob cause a big row if you try to talk to her beforehand. It doesn’t sound like she takes responsibility for her actions so she won’t take kindly to you mentioning her drinking at all

Wolfiefan · 10/12/2021 20:32

She won’t hold off.
Don’t stay over.

Mumwithapub · 10/12/2021 20:34

Pour none alcoholic wine in the empty bottle she normally drinks from.

Lucked · 10/12/2021 20:34

Visit late morning for an early lunch and scarper after a couple of hours.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 10/12/2021 20:35

In my experience, telling an alcoholic to hold off is more likely to lead to defiant, I'll drink if I want to behaviour.

I would try to time your visit for when she is sober and leave before she's drunk. Bad enough for you to be exposed to this without the stress of having to shield your DC from it.

ArblemarchTFruitbat · 10/12/2021 20:35

@Mumwithapub

Pour none alcoholic wine in the empty bottle she normally drinks from.

An alcoholic would spot this straight away.

SilkLabrador · 10/12/2021 20:39

Would you ask someone with a MH issue to "cheer up" whilst around children? No, that of course would be absurd.

Stay locally and visit earlier in the day and then leave.

Holothane · 10/12/2021 20:40

Stay as little as little then leave I understand your fears.

Newuser82 · 10/12/2021 20:43

I had to do this with my dad a few years ago. He used to stay with us rather than the other way around. My son got to an age where he started to notice and he asked me when he was maybe 4 why grandad says and drank all day so I (cowardly) text him after one stay and told him what my son had said as if he could wait to start drinking until he went to bed. He never replied and it was never discussed but he never stayed with us again and stayed in a hotel when he visited after that so he could go and drink. It’s not easy I know

3luckystars · 10/12/2021 20:45

I wouldn’t be around her if she is drunk, that’s her choice to not spend time with them. Don’t stay at all. Meet her for breakfast.

Sally872 · 10/12/2021 20:48

If she is a bit merry or sleepy I wouldn't be too fussed as a one off. If she is shouty or physically sick/staggering I would leave after she had one or two.

No point asking her to control herself as she won't.

RobertSmithsLipstick · 10/12/2021 22:46

Unless her behaviour is terrible when she drinks, then I wouldn't worry.
If they notice, I would just tell the kids that she prefers to drink and miss out on family time.
Every year.

pointythings · 11/12/2021 18:14

Asking her to hold off wont' work. Visit early when she's sober, don't stay long.

AuntieStella · 11/12/2021 18:20

I agree - visit earlier.

And whatever the time, start saying your farewells when she starts pouring her second glass. You probably won't be able to get her to desist, but if she can stick at one until you've gone, it might make it tolerable

Supersimkin2 · 11/12/2021 18:20

Go early and leave after the first glass.

It will get worse - you’ll have to tell the children next year why GM is behaving so oddly and badly. Tricky but doable.

Original poster

Wondering1000 · 11/12/2021 19:44

Thanks for the responses. I don't think DH would be up for staying elsewhere, they have a huge guestroom basically especially for us. Which makes this even more awkward to navigate.

To my knowledge, nobody has ever addressed her drinking. Is it totally naive to think something could come of a conversation? Anyone ever had any success with that, or could advise what sort of tack to take? She can go without drinking at special events and weddings etc. She in fact prefers not to drink at times like that for some reason. I think the drinking at home is a boredom thing.

OP posts:

PermanentTemporary · 11/12/2021 19:47

What about your dh staying in the guest room and you and the dc go and stay elsewhere? And what about telling her exactly why - 'I am afraid that my children will see you drunk and ask me about it and I won't know what to tell them.'

Windinmyhair · 11/12/2021 19:54

I tried to address my mum’s drinking and she called me a bitch and refused to talk to me for about a year

Windinmyhair · 11/12/2021 19:54

(Just a heads up)

KittenCatcher · 11/12/2021 20:13

I would go to bed early with dc, watch tv in your room or take a lovely relaxing bath and let her drink, dh can do what he likes .

Original poster

Wondering1000 · 11/12/2021 20:28

@KittenCatcher I think that's what I'll aim to do. Only issue is if it starts at 4. I've said to DH I won't have her talking drunk around DC, because it's not nice for them (or me to see). Especially since I know it's not a one off.

I think I'll just... See what happens this Christmas. Plan based on that. Be ready to leave either room or house.

OP posts:

Emerald5hamrock · 11/12/2021 20:31

It depends on the kind of drunk she is and what time she likes to start.
A common method for sneaky drinking is drinking from a mug.
Unfortunately she isn't likely to stop drinking for you, I'd ask her to be discreet.

Teaandcakeordeath83 · 11/12/2021 21:10

I wouldn't expect much from asking it tbh. She can go without drink at functions etc yet chooses not to regardless when it's a family special occasion around young children.

Take it from someone who's mum drinks like this- they don't see anything wrong with it and you pointing it out will send them into petulant child mode. Even if they do somehow manage not to drink whilst your kids are awake as soon as they're in bed they'll be all passive aggressive about their drinking "ooh, is it ok if I have one now" / "am I allowed" etc which will only be exacerbated if other people have been drinking (sensibly) during the day.

If you really want to broach it it's probably best after Christmas in anticipation for next year. This close to Christmas will probably lead to more conflict and angst.

kiwifruitbanana · 11/12/2021 22:13

She can manage not to drink at functions/in public as she knows she can't control her drinking once she starts. She prefers to leave early and drink at home, unchecked, I imagine.

KittenCatcher · 12/12/2021 10:56

Maybe seeing his mum talking shite, being silly and conking out on the sofa in front of his children on their special day might make your dh address her drinking with her.

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