Help me to help my friend

[StaceysmomandIhavegotitgoinon]

Friends with this woman over 30 years. In our younger years we did all the pubs and clubs and partied a lot but then we had kids. Over the years we would have a wine call on a Friday night as we live a fair distance away and both would have a few glasses/maybe a full bottle and have a catch up. In recent years though friend has started to be able to and does consume a lot more than a few glasses. At one point she drank a full bottle every night and on weekends would also have a few vodkas. Since covid she has stopped drinking Mon-Thurs however makes up for it on a weekend. On a Friday there could be a full bottle of fizz followed by a bottle of red and then a few vodkas/gins/beers after that on her own at home. Saturday would be same and Sunday is always two bottles of wine. I know what she drinks because she would text me to tell me of her drinks the following day. In the past year I have realised that our phone chats happen earlier so basically before she gets blotto so sober her knows that drunk her is in the wrong.

A few weeks ago we went away for a girlie weekend and I have to say I was embarassed to be around her. Shes a lovely person but is quite loud to begin with and this weekend she was so over the top that I cringed. Instead of me trying to keep up with her boozing I just drank what I would normally have and I stayed very much more sober so I started to see the extent of the drinking issues. She gets to a stage where you would be afraid to disagree with anything she says in case she turns argumentative. Now she did this years ago and I had forgotten as she has not caused an argument in about 3 years but now I realise it is because I dont see the fully drunk person she can become. We stayed in the hotel room the friday which was grand, she got pissed but was safe and slept it off. Saturday though from breakfast she was loud (still drunk from Friday) and by dinner time she was hammered. Loud, obnoxious, chatting shite to people she never met, commenting on everything, laughing like a witch at the stupidest of things. We went back up to the room and she passed out - not fell asleep - actually passed out on the bed. Woke an hour later and got straight back into the wine. By Sunday morning I was very pissed off but we were parting ways so I said my goodbyes and that was that.
Fast forward to last night, she as normal said we would call but she wanted to facetime. It was 7pm and when she facetimed me she could barely open her eyes she was that drunk and laughing that she had been on the wine from 3pm. She was trying to tell me about work and her week but she was obnoxious. Loud, slurring, just really embarassing to be honest and although she was safe in her own home she does have kids at home. They are 17 and 20 and have before made comments about her drinking (oldest one had to collect her from a pub a few months ago as the bouncers chucked her out) and it is clearly affecting them but I do not know what to do.

Has anyone any advice? THis woman is a woman I love dearly but the thoughts of spending time with her again fills me with dread. I am in a new relationship the past few months and I would be absolutely too embarassed for them to meet at this point although she doesnt even really know anything about him as she gets to drunk to remember I have a life too and it is the all about herself show when she is boozing. I just do not know what to say to her but she is a horrible drunk and she tried to make plans last night and I just let her waffle on because the reality is, I do not want to see her again like this. I cannot deal with it anymore.

Sorry this was so long but I just do not know how to deal with this. Has anyone any advice for me?

Until your friend accepts that she's an alcoholic there's not much you can do. You can say you're cutting down on alcohol so won't be going out drinking for a while/that you're saving money for Christmas so won't be leaving the house for the next few weeks etc. That way at least you can avoid being around her in a pub setting. Stop answering her calls if it's at a time of day you know she'll be hammered. I have an old friend similar and I just stopped answering her calls. She was always drunk. Haven't heard from her in months now but saw her recently and exchanged pleasantries. I never brought up her drinking with her but wouldn't have socialised with her much as we live too far apart.

Do you feel you could bring up the subject with your friend? Perhaps say how you are not drinking for November and would she like to join. You might see from her response if she even considers she has a problem. If you do say to her that her drinking is a problem and it's causing issues for her kids and friends, chances are she'll tell you to F off but it might make her think. It's hard to know really, depends on what you think her reaction would be whether to say something to her or not.

As for her kids, I'd suggest to them that they seek support from family - is their dad around, or aunts, uncles, grandparents? They could also look up support services for children of alcoholics. They shouldn't be left looking after her in a regular drunken state. They'll already be damaged by her and should be encouraged to get help and support for themselves. That might give them the tools they need to detach from her a bit and not to feel responsible for her when she's drunk. She's an adult who is choosing to drink over choosing to help herself get better.

I think I would tell her straight that you only want to see her and speak to her when she's sober. It's her choice whether she drinks to excess but you don't want to be around her whilst she's doing it. So you'd like to see her for lunch or a morning coffee, but you won't be doing any evening catch-ups any time soon.

It's up to her what she does with this; I suspect she will be fully in denial that she has a problem, and as @Notaroadrunner says, there's nothing to be done to help her whilst that's the case. She will likely accuse you of exaggerating or being a hypocrite because you also liked a drink back in the day, and still drink now. Sadly there is nothing you can do except say you will have to agree to disagree.

I would check in with the kids if you can, and maybe let them know you would help them to get away in a crisis, even though you can't take responsibility for your friend.

Some great points thank you both. Sorting my own kid stuff out here now but will pop back on a bit later. Its a hard call - I am not sure if she would have a go at me for telling her she has a problem. I will mull it over and come back on later this evening. Thanks to you both though.

If you speak to the kids you could direct them to Nacoa which is a charity that supports the children of alcoholics.

Thank you @DriftingPlateTectonic that is a help.

So last night I decided to facetime her. She was only in the door from a thing where no alcohol was and opened a bottle in front of me. Well within 45 mins she was drunk. Is it that she just gets drunk too quickly I wonder? Or is it that she is topping up? She had to drive yesterday so now I am very worried.

I would imagine she's never really sober. And the prospect of an event with no alcohol may have been an excuse to drink beforehand.

I'm not sure why you decided to Facetime her, were you hoping to speak to her before she was drunk?

I was hoping to have a chat but wanted to see the lay of the land first. If you send her a message she tends to read into it something that is not there so it is better to talk face to face to her. She did not drink beforehand because she drove there and back but there must have been still alcohol in her system for it to hit her as quickly as it did which worries me.