How to help partner stop excessive drinking

[ChezBomb1]

My partner has been drinking heavily in the evening for years. We are late 30s, no kids, together 20+ years, stable lives and jobs.

He doesn't appear to get 'drunk' most of the time, but can easily drink a bottle of red wine, perhaps also a beer, sometimes also a large whisky, on a weeknight. At the weekend, he starts mid afternoon and can end up drinking much more. He isn't a nasty drunk. He gets a bit mellow. Snores more. Doesn't always remember things we've talked about.

A few months ago, he said he wasn't going to drink 'in the week' - Mon to Thurs eve. I was so relieved. But he has Fridays off twice a month and so on those weeks it was just Mon to Weds off. Now, if ever he has a 'stressful' day at work, he brings home a bottle. And if I ever want a glass of wine (just the one for me!), he also uses that as an excuse to join in.

I really want him to cut down. I am worried about his future health and that his drinking might eventually escalate. I also worry about our home life together if he feels he needs to drink as a crutch.

He gets upset/annoyed if I ever mention cutting down, or mention that he isn't sticking to his new no week day drinking rules.

What can I do? Have any of you been where I am? Thank you

What can you do? Nothing unfortunately - he has to want to change and he obviously doesn't. The best thing you can is contact your nearest Al-Anon group for families of drinkers.

You can’t. The only person who can help him is himself. My DH drinks a lot but not nearly as much as yours. Since Ive almost given up alcohol he drinks less, but still too much. I’ve spent years working with alcoholics…..it’s an addiction like drugs and gambling. You can’t help them.

@SisforSarah @RatherBeRiding thank you for your honest responses. I think the not drinking in the week thing was a sign of him wanting to change things. He came to that decision without any input from me. Initially he even said work was easier the next day after a sober night. But his willpower obviously fell down very quickly. Is there really nothing I can do to help?

Agree, you need to go to Al Anon. You didn't cause it, you can't cure it - and alcoholism (which is what this is) is a progressive disease.

www.alcohol.org/alcoholism-types/stages/

What can I do? nothing

Have any of you been where I am? yes, it got worse and he died of alcoholism

Go to Al-Anon. Keep going. They can’t help you fix him but you will learn about alcoholism and addiction.

Look at all the people whose alcoholism has killed them. Do you think their husbands / wives / relatives / friends just didn’t try hard enough to stop them? Just didn’t have the patience or the magic words? Addiction isn’t something someone else can fix.

@OverTheRubicon from my perspective he is somewhere between stage one and two, but I also think some people have started to notice his excessive drinking. Because he doesn't appear drunk, they remark on how much he puts away but it's not perceived as a problem, as such.

I think his drinking is all in plain sight at the moment, but I worry if I push him it will start to be secretive. According to the stages, it will end up there anyway . Will look into AA - the family support info seems to focus on alcoholism negatively impacting other people's lives - quite honestly, it just worries me at the moment (and is expensive!!) but I am so scared of where it will end up.

Nothing. This isn't your fault, you didn't cause it and you can't change it, him, or his behaviour, as much as you want to

I would advise you to seriously consider your limits, as in how much you'll take. Because it, to me as an outsider and based on what you've said, sounds fairly 'mild'. That isn't to say that it isn't serious or damaging. The point I'm trying to make is that far too many people, myself included, have stayed too long in a relationship with someone who is in a relationship with alcohol. IME, I was never a priority - alcohol was. Think deeply about what YOU want and whether you'll get it in this relationship.

Does he drive the next morning? Because he’s almost certainly over the limit.

@PotteringAlong no, he doesn't drive, so that isn't part of the issue. @Mamamamasaurus I adore him - I want to grow old with him. Which is why I want this to stop. I guess my limits are much higher than the current problem. Nowhere near walking away stage. I'm just getting into the seriously worried stage, as his tolerance gets higher and I can see his mood changes depending on whether he can drink or not.
@HopeClearwater I am so sorry about your loss. And you are right, I can't fix it for him.

At least that’s one less thing to worry about then!

Thanks @ChezBomb1

I totally agree with @Mamamamasaurus - please do think hard about how much you are going to put up with.

If he is drinking a bottle of wine, beer and sometimes spirits in one evening and starting early on the day when not at work, plus Gets upset/annoyed when you broach it with him, I fear he is already a functioning alcoholic. You say he rarely seems drunk. That is because he drinks so much, so often that he has built up a tolerance. Alcoholism is a progressive disease. Eventually, he won’t function so well with it. Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do, other than don’t enable him. Let him find the problems with it himself. By don’t enable, I mean, Don’t help him to bed, cover him up if he falls asleep in a chair, let him wake-up cold, in his own vomit etc. As you say, he frequently, doesn’t remember conversations, so he won’t remember that he couldn’t get himself to bed etc. These memory wipes are called black outs.

Lots of people will tell you to leave him as the situation worsens. They can change, but they have to find their own rock bottom to do so. Nothing you do (other than helping him get there) will make a difference. I’m a psychologist who has worked with lots of people with alcohol problems over 30 years. I met my husband 13 years ago. He was an alcoholic, but very deceptive about it. Most are and are rarely open about how much they really drink (something else for you to bear in mind), so it took me a while to realise. Over the years, I tried everything to help with the problem. I was convinced that being an expert in mental health, I could save him. I couldn’t of course, but I loved him (still do), so much that I believed I could. He managed to give up booze for a year before we got married 6 years ago, then fell off the wagon. 4 years ago, he rapidly started to deteriorate and within a year, he was unrecognisable as the man I loved and reached the end of my tether and threw him out. That turned out to be his rock bottom (it doesn’t have to be living on the street). He went into rehab entirely of his own volition. He did really well, I took him back (this was 2 1/2 years ago). He is still sober and we are the happiest we’ve ever been. Nothing I did, or said made a difference until I threw him out though.

There are no easy ways for you to deal with this, but I feel for you.

Your partner is an alcoholic and there's not a thing you can do about it. Unfortunately, given how much he already drinks, he's going to get far, far worse unless he makes the choice to stop drinking. He may love you, but he loves alcohol more. He will always choose alcohol over you, and he's proved that already by getting angry when you mention his drinking. He uses anger to keep you quiet and to keep you off his back. You can not have a happy, healthy relationship with an active alcoholic, it's not possible.

There's absolutely nothing you can do.

He is an active alcoholic and he will remain an active alcoholic unless and until he chooses to do something about it.

no, he doesn't drive. That's a relief if true

Just because he doesn't "seem" drunk doesn't mean he is sober.

He has built up a major tolerance for alcohol plus in all likelihood he is drinking more than even you know about.

My father was an alcoholic and it eventually killed him. There's a perception that it's a fairly quick deterioration and that only certain organs are affected - not true. The whole body is poisoned slowly. He spent the last 30 years of his life in so much agony he had to be on pure morphine and my mum had to care for him like a baby. He lost his dignity, his mind, he had no life to speak of.

Now for other reasons...well karmas a bitch!

But I'm aware that doesn't apply to all alcoholics. He was a nasty one.

But even with that he still went through 30 years of hell and excruciating pain. Multiple times in hospital every year, mum worried sick about him constantly.

It's no life. I always urge partners/spouses of active alcoholics to leave there's no point in staying And making 2 or more people miserable.

Good there's no kids involved here are there likely to be in the future? If you want kids I'd urge you not with him.

Quite hard hearing these home truths!!

We've never wanted children so that is luckily not an issue. It means the expense of the booze doesn't damage out finances too much either, but I'd love to free that cash up for something more worthwhile.

As I've said, he functions remarkably well on all this booze - gets himself to bed, never sick, never passes out etc. He is still kind and caring and never mean. He very rarely is hungover, or appears impacted the next day.
He works his full time job, walks 15k steps a day too and from it He isn't overweight. He really is functioning. From his perspective, he feels happier when he can have a drink so what is wrong with it?!

But I know it's doing internal damage, of course it is. And his tolerance is going up and the amount he drinks creeping up. I am worried that he will keep going as he is and then the health impacts will hit. I don't want to lose him too young, or have years of caring for a broken body that was self inflicted. I almost wish little bad things did happen (vomiting, passing out etc), to make him realise it's a problem before it's too late.

I appreciate all your advice. I will seek out some help for myself and try to leave him to make the realisation he needs to change. I just hope it comes before there are serious consequences.

We've got several alcoholics in the family. My granddad died aged 60, uncle died aged 47, and other uncle had a massive heart attack but was fortunately resuscitated and dried out at 45.

The only thing that YOU can do in this is protect yourself from his inevitable decline. That may sound harsh, but he's probably already on the way to organ failure - it's just a case of when and not if.

You may love him, but he's always going to love alcohol more.

@Aquamarine1029

Your partner is an alcoholic and there's not a thing you can do about it. Unfortunately, given how much he already drinks, he's going to get far, far worse unless he makes the choice to stop drinking. He may love you, but he loves alcohol more. He will always choose alcohol over you, and he's proved that already by getting angry when you mention his drinking. He uses anger to keep you quiet and to keep you off his back. You can not have a happy, healthy relationship with an active alcoholic, it's not possible.

I broadly agree with you, but he won’t necessarily “always choose alcohol over you”. I realise that it is rare, but my alcoholic husband always chose alcohol over me until I threw him out. Then (to my amazement), he decided that I, and our relationship, was more important than alcohol, went into rehab and has been sober for 2 1/2 years!

The fact he tried to moderate by making rules about the days he allowed himself to drink (and then went back on them) means he has at some level realised his drinking is problematic.
I echo everyone else though, you can't do anything about his drinking. Only he can.
I've only seen the negative impact of drinking in my family so I have no good news for you but I hope he sorts himself out before things get too bad (for your sake and his)

OP I don’t think we can assume your DH is an alcoholic or beyond hope as some do on the thread, but your situation is certainly very concerning. As you know yourself the number of units he is drinking will almost certainly come back to bite in the future when it comes to fruition in poor health and really limits the enjoyment of your life together. I have seen this in my own family. Having a near housebound partner who’s only trips out are to never ending hospital appointments because their heart, kidneys, liver are all damaged due to alcohol and related unhealthy lifestyle is a waste of the golden years. If I were you I would be giving him an ultimatum now, before things get worse. I would also highly recommend getting him to really think about alcohol and what he gets from it, rather than him settling for the mindset ‘this is something I love but I need to control it’. I would get a copy of Craig Beck’s Alcohol lied to me and Annie Grace’s This Naked Mind and see if you can get him to even just read them, it’s worth a try. They, and similar articles/podcasts can really help to take a step back and question why we drink and drink too much. Good luck with it.

Thank you so much for all your insights, it's helpful to hear about different perspectives and personal experiences.

Really, it is the health side that concerns me the most at the moment. I can't bear the idea of him suffering in the way some of your partners and relatives have.

I will consider an ultimatum and check out the books @iamyourequal , thank you.

@ChezBomb1 please let us know how it goes. You are very welcome to pm me anytime if ever you feel it might be helpful.

@AnnieSnap thank you

Hey, only seeing this thread. I don't know how you are getting on a year down the line but I remember when I had the same worries as you. It did get worse n now we both know he is an alcoholic. He keeps relapsing at moment but is trying. I found a you tube channel called put the shovel down with a lady amber. I'm slightly addicted to these videos that help you to see the psychology and science of addiction and teaches family members what to do to help with not bringing up their walls. If you are still fighting then give her a watch. I have seen improvements when I made changes to my reactions. She's an addiction councillor n teaches you methods she uses. Sending you a hug as I know how it feels xx

You can’t do anything