Understanding how bad this is

[jpbee]

A close family member is in hospital, they are in mid 60s. They have been an alcoholic for over a decade but refuse to admit it despite attempts by various family members. This is the first time they have been admitted to hospital but it is clear their health has declined rapidly over the past few years.
They went to hospital because they were found shaking and with yellow skin by another family member. No-one can visit in person due to covid restrictions and when we call the family member they wont admit to there being anything wrong.
They have been in hospital for 8 days now and the only information the doctors will give us (due to privacy) is that a diagnosis of hepatitis of the liver has been made and that they are on an antibiotic drip. I wish we could know severe the alc-hepatitis is as the outcome and timeline for recovery/timeline to death vary so dramatically depending on how advanced it is..
I suppose I want to understand how bad this sounds from anyone who might have experience. In hospital on a drip for 8 days and yellow skin? I know it is impossible to say without knowing all the facts, but should we be deeply concerned that they might not even make it out of hospital? No indication has been given by hospital staff that this could be the case but I'm not even sure they are allowed to tell us..

Am in a similar position at the moment with a family member but unfortunately if they don't give permission for doctors to speak to you, then there is nothing much else you can do.
Is there definitely no visiting option?

I’m sorry to hear you are in a similar situation. Have you been given any information at all or nothing? I’ve checked the hospital website and it states no visitors although I don’t know if they make exceptions. We are 2 hours drive away so can’t risk turning up without knowing we can definitely go in.

@MultiStorey I think we’ve already done that sadly. We’ve long since accepted that they will never recover due to the fact that they have never been able to even take the first step and admit they might have an issue, despite it being so glaringly obvious. Their refusal to admit it even now they are in hospital with liver issues just confirms that any hope for recovery is over.
The post was more to try and understand how bad the situation is and manage our expectations as to how long they have left to live and how unwell they actually are. Yet I know that is a question no-one here can answer but I hoped someone might be able to shed some light or have a guess.

Closer family have been given info, but that was because relative agreed to it.
I can't advise you on the specifics of how long your relative has as mine is further down the line according to what I've been told.
Can't you call the ward directly and ask if you are allowed to come in.
As PP has said though, you aren't obliged to be involved but I understand the need for information.

@JustWorriedSick I assume the closer family aren't disclosing the info to anyone else then, that must be difficult. We have someone in the family who is communicating with the hospital and relaying any information to us, so I haven't actually called the hospital directly myself so haven't asked the question about whether we can go in. I doubt they would allow it though going off recent experience with another relative in a local hospital..
It is scary reading up on it and has resulted in me assuming the very worst which may not actually be correct. I wish we had more info. We have spoken to the relative while they've been in hospital on their mobile but they aren't making any sense and just denying there is any real issue so everyone is in the dark.

[quote jpbee]@JustWorriedSick I assume the closer family aren't disclosing the info to anyone else then, that must be difficult. We have someone in the family who is communicating with the hospital and relaying any information to us, so I haven't actually called the hospital directly myself so haven't asked the question about whether we can go in. I doubt they would allow it though going off recent experience with another relative in a local hospital..
It is scary reading up on it and has resulted in me assuming the very worst which may not actually be correct. I wish we had more info. We have spoken to the relative while they've been in hospital on their mobile but they aren't making any sense and just denying there is any real issue so everyone is in the dark.[/quote]
Yep pretty much the same situation here. I'm googling and thinking the worst. Its a really tough one. Is your relationship with them ok? Are you surprised by the extent of their drinking?

@JustWorriedSick No the relationship isn't great and has deteriorated over the past couple of years due to the worsening of their drinking. I must admit I am a bit surprised it has come to this, but that is more due to my own naivety. I assumed the only people who ended up in hospital and very unwell were those who drink heavy spirits all day long, which isn't the case for this person. I do suspect they were drinking at least one bottle of wine a day though, probably more on most days. However due to living quite far away we have never been able to maintain exactly how much and how often they drink.
We haven't had any update in the past 2 days from the family member who has been calling the hospital, but they may just be waiting for news at this point.

I agree that googling is scary. I've even read some old threads on here which were frightening as they didn't end well.

I hope you are coping ok. Have you had any news? May I ask how long the person you are concerned about has been in hospital for?

The person has been in for a month. No more news really. It is very difficult when all you want is information and prognosis.

Sorry you are going through this @jpbee. If it is “only” hepatitis and they stop drinking, there is a good chance their liver will repair itself enough to live an otherwise normal life. If they have cirrhosis/ a lot of scarring on the liver, then it may not repair and could be life limiting.

I imagine they are undergoing numerous tests to see how badly the liver and other organs are affected and also rehydrating the person and giving vitamin b12/thiamine which gets depleted when you drink too much. The person’s blood clotting may also be knocked off which is a common sign of liver damage.

From what you’ve said, it doesn’t sound like this is an end-of-life event but more of an acute episode that can potentially be recoverable - but no-one can say for sure of course.

If the docs thought the person was likely to die, they would want to be informing the next of kin (unless of course the person has not given consent to do this).

Hoping things work out well for you and your loved one - I am an alcoholic myself and no first hand what a selfish condition it can be.

*know first hand

I've just joined had a rough day yesterday I feel like I need some support.

Hi Annsocks, I hope you are ok. I know how hard it is to watch someone close kill themselves with alcohol.

My step-dad died last month from alcoholism, he had bad edema and ascites as well as yellow eyes. He went downhill fast during the last 3 months, but refused to give up drink or seek help for his problems. He died in his own bed, the post mortem concluded cirrhosis of the liver as well as an enlarged heart. I've also lost two uncles and an aunt to alcoholism. After decades of heavy drinking, first their health declined slowly and then, once the liver was beyond repair, the rapid decline stage started during which they were pretty much just vegetables unable to function properly, yet the drink still dominated their thoughts.

I hope they have been able to treat your relative before the rapid decline stage kicked in. The liver can heal, but only if it isn't damaged beyond repair.

I found the death of my FIL strangely liberating. No more worrying about his health, no more incoherent drunk calls or texts from him in the middle of the night. He is finally free of his alcohol demons and I feel that he is in a better place now. Many relatives of alcoholics do their grieving when the person is drinking themselves to death, death brings an end to the constant worrying.

I wish you lots of strength and I hope your relative will make a recovery!

@JustWorriedSick I hope you have more information now and everything is ok.

@Stuckhere2021 Thank you for taking the time to reply. You were right, they have been discharged now so it wasn't severe as I feared, but unfortunately they seem to have just carried on as before and there has been no acknowledgment that there is an issue and still denial that drinking might be an issue..

@Annsocks I hope you can find the support you need on this board. There are a lot of resources here and it appears to be a very active area of the forum.

@Maverick197 Thank you for sharing this, and I am sorry you have been through this with so many relatives. Sadly my relative is likely to follow the same path as they have now been discharged but have just resumed as they were before and will still not admit to an issue and are trying to blame the hospital visit on other things.

I must admit to feeling the same as you did, it feels like the grieving has already begun as they simply aren't the same person anymore so it is as though they have already died to some extent. When we look back on old photos of them it is like another person.

I still hope that somehow they might turn a corner and eventually make a recovery, but the fact they still won't even admit they they have a problem/ever did have a problem is troubling and makes it hard to have any hope.

It doesn't help that there are children in the family who they want to see and spend time with, and of course we don't want to deprive them of that but we worry about the affect it might have on the children being around them (all under 10 years old). Last time we visited they did have a few drinks even though it was daytime...

@jpbee sadly as had probably been said to you many times, there’s not a lot you can do unless the person wants help / to stop / cut down. At this time, they sound totally in the grip of addiction. It is likely that the discharge from hospital has validated that “they can’t be that bad”. I was shocked when my liver function tests came back okay but I took that as a second chance rather than a green light to keep drinking. It has taken me years and many attempts to get to this point.

It is so sad but you must prioritise yourself and the children. If the person wants to see the children, there must be ground rules eg no drinking before the children arrive- they can drink after you’ve gone. Keep visits short and try to visit early in the day. If they can’t comply with this, then the visits stop.

Until the person wants help, it’s damage limitation. Don’t try to stop them drinking but rather to better manage their drinking if they want visits and inclusion in the family life. It’s really hard to let go, but you must for your own mental health. Remember the 3Cs of addiction - you did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. 💐❤️