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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Any hope for my DH?

14 replies

2Bottles · 09/09/2021 13:22

NC for this.

My DH has always loved a drink or two, but over the years his consumption has reached problematic levels. We have a chat about it, he agrees to cut back, and we carry on. Before lockdown wasn't too bad, but since working from home started, he's gone off the rails and drinks over 2 bottles a day.

My DD and I had a serious chat with him about a month ago when he agreed yet again to cut back. But last week, he's up to 2 bottles a day again.

I've told him he's on his last chance with me. That if he doesn't sort himself out, we're through.

How likely is it that he will succeed in cutting back? For info, his Dad was a functional alcoholic too, and my DM was a drinker.

We've been wed for 25+ yrs, 2 kids (youngest just off to Uni), and DH has a professional occupation. My kids both suffer from anxiety, and my DD and I are both ASD.

How much longer do I have to carry on being hyper-vigilant re how much he's had to drink? I really feel as though I'm at the end of my tether. If we split up, the kids will be heartbroken

OP posts:

fedup078 · 09/09/2021 13:29

Does he admit he's got a problem and what does he say about seeking professional help?
People will only change when they want to and not for anyone else

whinetime89 · 09/09/2021 13:31

I where you are 2.5 years ago. Nothing changed and I couldn't keep living that way. It was really tough but we split and I am happier now that I had been for a long time. All the best

Aquamarine1029 · 09/09/2021 13:32

You gave him an ultimatum and I hope you stick to it. He will never recover unless he wants to, and it seems clear he hasn't reached that point. He needs to go.

FlatteredFool · 09/09/2021 13:34

Sadly, you will always be hyper-vigilant. An alcoholic can't sustain moderation so they need to abstain completely. Cutting back won't work except for a few days perhaps. An addict will always choose their substance over relationships so you need to concentrate on you and your dc. It's hell living with a functional alcoholic. My dad was one and although he's been dead 8 years, I still feel anxious around alcohol and people drinking. It's tainted my life. I'm mid-forties now and I wish my mum had left him when I was young and that feels such a horrible thing to say. She was codependent and that was damaging to us all. Do you have support for yourself? Al-anon perhaps? The addiction is his but it will be affecting you all

NashvilleQueen · 09/09/2021 13:39

Firstly sorry that you are going through this. It must be so difficult.

May I ask what he's drinking two bottles of? Is it wine (which is bad) or spirits (which is obviously much worse.

Original poster

2Bottles · 09/09/2021 13:43

It's mostly red wine. He starts on a large glass of white as an aperitif before dinner, then moves onto red during and after dinner

OP posts:

fedup078 · 09/09/2021 13:46

I should add I'm also so much happier now my dh has moved out
You've already tried with the ultimatums so now you can only control your own actions
I realised I was enabling him by letting him get away with it time and time again and covering for him etc

SeaRabbit · 09/09/2021 13:49

Will the kids be heartbroken though? We begged dad to leave our alcoholic mother

FlowersinJune · 09/09/2021 13:55

I don’t think he will cut back. Addicts have to want to change. For most they have to reach a rock bottom point where they go “no more”. Your DH is not there. He may have agreed to cut down, but that’s because of what you say.

You have 2 choices:

You stay, but you accept you can’t control this and you live with an alcoholic.

You leave.

Your kids maybe heartbroken, but they are adults. You can’t stay with this man just to avoid upsetting them. You are entitled not to be hyper vigilant.

The reality is if you stay with DH he will likely develop health problems. Do you want to be nursing some one for years?

Get out while you can.

fedup078 · 09/09/2021 13:55

Also I'm the child of an alcoholic and it's really messed me up and is probably the reason I was with dh in the first place
Maybe they won't be as heartbroken as you think .

Original poster

2Bottles · 10/09/2021 07:58

Thank you all for your replies. Not much chance of him changing then? He won't seek medical intervention.

I've made an appointment with our solicitor. I've no idea what happens now. Am assuming that the house will have to be sold, as I can't afford the mortgage by myself.

OP posts:

fedup078 · 10/09/2021 08:14

Best see what the solicitor says
What do you want to happen?
Would it be better to downsize now the kids are away ? A new place and a fresh start ?

TwoBlondes · 10/09/2021 08:20

AlAnon was a great help to me ten years ago when I was in the same position. I ended the marriage but we've stayed close. He's recently been hospitalised and has, I think, reached rock bottom and is admitting he has a problem.

Purplewithred · 10/09/2021 08:38

For the solicitors appointment gather up all the financial information you can get your hands on - an idea of the house equity, your respective pensions, any savings, debts, items of particular value. Doesn't matter whose name each of them are in.

The assumption would be a 50:50 split of the value of all assets, no child maintenance as the kids are off to uni, although individual circumstances may change that.

Your children will be heartbroken that their dad is an alcoholic, and you can’t change that by staying. I hope they wold be horrified at the idea of you sacrificing the rest of your life to him just so they can keep the illusion of a happy family.

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