At rock bottom, please help

[newme2022]

I drink around two thirds to a full bottle of wine six or seven nights a week and have done for many years. I don’t usually feel too bad the next morning - I’m often a little tired and sluggish but I can function and get most things done.

Yesterday though I drank a bit more than usual, about 1.5 bottles, and crucially didn’t have a lot to eat. I made a total fool of myself with friends as I was talking rubbish thanks to the alcohol and made a couple of embarrassing posts on social media whilst drunk.

I woke up this morning feeling horrendous. I can’t stop crying and feel so down. I’m so ashamed of my behaviour and so embarrassed about what I might have said - I can’t remember that much but I know I was talking gibberish. I’ve deleted the social media posts but lots of friends have already seen them.

I’m at rock bottom today and can’t take any more of this awful hangover feeling, another day written off and lost, not to mention the horrific anxiety that comes with it all. I hate myself so much.

I’m in despair and don’t know where to go from here. I absolutely won’t go to my GP (please don’t even suggest it) so need to hugely moderate or give up completely on my own. I’m a very anxious person and drink mainly to relax and stop my constant anxious thoughts.

How do I get through today, the next day, this week and beyond? How do I beat this?

Please help me.

I'm a recovering alcoholic, who used to drink a litre of vodka per day at my worst. I drank to cope with bipolar disorder and C-PTSD.

For me, there was no rock bottom. It was an abyss with a series of stone shelves I hit in the freefall down.

I finally quit after 17 years of dangerous drinking, that led to NINE withdrawal seizures over a matter of months. Any one of those seizures could've killed me.

I appreciate my own story is one of extremes, but my point is that relying on alcohol to blot out anxiety and negative thoughts will only create more problems. I agree with a PP about changing your GP, or at least asking to speak to a different one at your current surgery. Self-referring for talking therapy could also be a huge help to you, so you can unravel the thoughts that feed your anxiety.

Well done on 2 days sober, OP. You WILL feel crappy for a few days, but your brain and body is repairing itself, which takes time. Punishing yourself for getting drunk and embarrassing is futile - what's done is done, all you can do is keep moving forward.

Beauty - thanks for sharing your story, I really appreciate your advice.

Had a hot bath and am now in bed listening to the rain.

I've just read your thread and I'm so impressed with how well you've done. A few years ago I developed a habit of having a drink nearly every night and put on quite a bit of weight. I now only drink on a Friday and Saturday night and honestly looking forward to Friday night is a much better feeling than drinking every night. Good luck, you're on the right track

@newme2022

In my lower moments I have thoughts like, why am I bothering to do this (cut down on alcohol). There's no point trying to improve myself or my health because I'm just a useless waste of space anyway.

This is where some sort of therapy or targeted support would be invaluable for you I think op, you don't need to wrestle with your demons all on your own.

You are doing brilliantly so far and should most definitely feel proud of what you have achieved in the last couple of days.

Baby steps.

You are very much not a "useless waste of space", you are brilliant.

Thanks for the support.

Really, really struggling tonight - it’s been a long day and all I feel like doing is relaxing with a glass of wine!

It’s like my brain is literally screaming for a drink, arrrrggghhhh

Annie Grace has a free online 30 day programme you can join right now. There's no expectation that you give up booze immediately or ever if you don't want to but it may help to change your mindset. It's really really good: learn.thisnakedmind.com/the-alcohol-experiment-registration

@newme2022

It’s like my brain is literally screaming for a drink, arrrrggghhhh

Do something else. Go and see a friend, have a bath, read a book. Anything to distract. And then remind yourself how great you'll feel tomorrow with hopefully less anxiety and no hangover.

You CAN do it

I second the Allen Carr book, really amazing and takes away any desire to drink! Overnight success story here.

@newme2022

It’s like my brain is literally screaming for a drink, arrrrggghhhh

I know this feeling. It sucks so much.

The thing that helped me cut back was to focus on other projects. Fill my time with really constructive things like an exercise challenge (10,000 steps, couch to 5k), DIY (paint a room yourself), an online course, new hobby, putting more into work etc.

@newme2022

It’s like my brain is literally screaming for a drink, arrrrggghhhh

That’s because it is OP. Alcohol is a drug, plain and simple. Your brain and especially your neurotransmitters and neural pathways have got used to a certain level of drug / alcohol and has become accustomed to functioning like that. You are experiencing a less extreme version of someone trying to suddenly stop heroin.

This may sound overly dramatic but it’s really not. I am an abuser of alcohol and am currently under the care of the community addiction team and being supported to stay alcohol free.

It sounds to me like you have moved from WANTING alcohol to NEEDING alcohol which is a bad sign. I really recommend you speak to your GP or Practice Nurse and get referred to an addictions team if you cannot self refer in your area.

Good luck - I have almost lost everything due to alcohol so please do not get as bad as I was as it is truly shit 💐 ☕️ 🍰

Stuck thanks for your reply and good to hear you’re on the road to recovery. How long does it take for your neurotransmitters to get back to normal after years of heavy drinking?

I’m not comfortable speaking to my (or any) GP about the alcohol issue so will be attempting to beat it on my own.

I’m tucked up in bed now so can safely say that day 4 alcohol free is done and dusted. Tonight was the hardest for me so far so I’m feeling good that I got through it. Posting on this thread helped.

Hi, I think someone alluded to this, but you should be able to self refer to your local alcohol service without having to go via your GP. I would suggest googling, they will be able to provide psychosocial interventions including looking at the links between your mood/ anxiety and alcohol use, and support in trying to cut down and maintain abstinence/ controlled drinking.

You may have a treatable anxiety disorder, however antidepressants are much less effective if you are drinking heavily, as alcohol itself is a depressant.

Well done on getting to day 4, sounds really positive.

That’s a good question! Some people say they never truly go back to normal and some of us will always be more likely to drink to excess - there is some research to say that some of us have more dopamine receptors (the pleasure neurotransmitter) than others so get more of a reward from drinking - this is a very simplistic explanation. So it may be that I need to be alcohol free for the rest of my life - quite a depressing thought but that’s because we’ve all been conditioned to believe that alcohol is essential for fun, good times and celebrations.

My plan is to be AF for 6 months then re-evaluate/see if I can moderate. I was not a daily drinker and can go weeks without but then have a 4 day bender and wreak havoc on all around me. I simply cannot go back there so if it’s AF for life, so be it.

You may find This Naked Mind helpful - there is a very active and supportive Facebook group and there is always someone who has been where you are / can offer advice.

Thanks Stuck.

I'm feeling much better in my head today but still a bit irritable (though maybe that's just me, alcohol or not?!)

I'm pleased that I have abstained for four days. I will probably have a drink tonight but really want to moderate so I have a couple of glasses at most, instead of a whole bottle like before.

@newme2022
Given that you're going through withdrawal I'd urge you not to have one drink tonight, or you'll have to start this process again.

We've established that you've become dependent on alcohol physically not just emotionally, which I think means you'll need to remain tea-total.

There is an ever widening market for alcohol free drinks now though, so you won't get bored :)

You're doing brilliantly so far, keep going!

Checking in to report that I’ve had four drinks tonight - four 175ml glasses of wine, so just under a bottle in total. I’m pleased that I was at least in control enough to know exactly how much I drank, but also disappointed that I drank as much as I did. The last glass in particular I didn’t enjoy at all really, just drank it because it was there.

Total units this week so far according to my app: 8.4.

That sounds like progress to me @newme2022

Well done for tracking and staying accountable

How are you doing this week @newme2022? I was thinking of you as I'm trying to stop myself having wine tonight having overdone it yesterday! I'm averaging three bottles a week and find it helps me cut through my anxiety and the drudgery of life at the moment. Finding it hard to have a couple of nights off.