DH finally admitted he is an alcoholic.

[2020in2020]

DH and I have been together 12 years, married for 6. We have 2 DD’s 7 and 5.

I had a thread in Relationships last year where I wanted to separate due to his drinking. He moved out for a week, then returned and things gradually slipped. He has always acknowledged he doesn’t drink like a normal person. I actually gave up drinking in January 2021, hoping the effect would rub off on him.

Over the summer I have finally lost my patience with his drinking, and the associated problems. His irritability, laziness, lack of involvement in family matters and refusal to spend money on family but happy to spend thousands a year on beer. I planned to have the talk with him this week, after over the Bank Holiday weekend his drinking was out of control. He is never abusive, pretty much just falls asleep. But hangovers make him pretty horrid to be around. Over this summer our DD’s basically started speaking openly about “daddy’s beer” and laughing about it which was a huge wake up call. Our eldest said daddy’s favourite thing to do was drink beer. Our youngest said she wished he hadn’t come on holiday as he just shouts all the time.

Last night I planned to have the talk, and give him 6 months to get sober or lose us. However, when I started he stopped me. He said he knew what I was going to say. He apologised and said the words “I am an alcoholic” and promised he would get sober using a support system he has found. He confessed to drinking in the car on his way home from work (I have found beer bottles in the car before but I thought he was drinking and just hiding the bottles. I am devastated that he would drink drive. I lost a friend due to a drink driver as a teenager). He cried a lot and said he can’t believe I have stayed with him. He said he feels awful that he has drank to the point our daughters know it’s not normal.

I am pleased he has realised. I would just like some support from people who are married to alcoholics, or tips on how to support him. He has volunteeered to leave his bank cards with me when he goes to work to stop him buying beer and is planning to tell his family this weekend.

I feel proud and like a weight has been lifted. But scared. I told him if he goes back on his promise I will have to leave him to keep our girls safe. I feel so sad that this is our life.

Stick to the six months deadline. He may have hit rock bottom but this could be the first of many attempts at sobriety. Don't sacrifice yourself and your children to his drinking.

Thank you @Sparkletastic. I did make it clear that this is his last chance. I am crossing everything he can do it.

My main problem is I’ve had therapy for being a bit of a “rescuer”. In all my relationships the other person has had some sort of either mental health issue, personal problems and I know I get my validation from “helping”. All the reading I am doing is telling me to accept I am powerless over his addiction which is hard for me to accept. I also feel incredibly guilty that I have allowed him to get to this point.

He’s using a ‘support system he has found’.

I’m not entirely convinced.

That sounds like made up bullshit. Like it’s just a website that he reads now and again or some crap.With no comeback if he doesn’t read the website one day. Not full investment. Like proper counselling or whatever is available in your area these days.

He needs to get his arse round to AA and see if he likes them. He will need a lot of support. If he baulks at that I’d suggest he’s not as serious as he should be, all things considered.

You can try alanon yourself, for families of alcoholics. They may be able to give you support and tips during what will be a difficult stage.

I’ve had to walk away from my alcoholic family members. They were unable to stop.

Stop with the guilt and thinking you should / could have stopped him. Agree AlAnon might really help you to appreciate that, This is really tough for you but I agree with PP that I'm not convinced he's serious from what he's said.

I've been through a very simular situation op. It's hard there's no other way to look at it, but if it works it's worth it. We're 7 months in and as far as I'm aware he hasn't touched a drop, however it doesn't stop me constantly questioning it. I do get paranoid about it but I suppose its 'normal' to feel like that. We have two dc the same age as yours, who were picking up on it just like yours. And now they don't even mention beer and dh rarely shouts any more. You can get there but only if he has truely hit rock bottom. Aa was good for my dh but he only went a couple of times, it was the realisation of going that had a massive effect on him, so try not to panic of your dh feels the same. As long as he tries, and gets a support network built up. Our lives have been changed, but he is well aware if a drop so much as even passes his mouth then that will be it.

@Elieza it is a podcast and private FB group that you pay for and you are assigned a mentor, he has said he will show me the messages etc. Part of his confession was that he has actually tried AA and another AA associated programme where he spoke to someone on about 3 occasions for over 3 hours but could not get on with AA. I can understand that so I will support him in the programme he’s chosen for now… but I am going into it with eyes open.

I have tried looking for Al Anon groups near us online but can’t seem to find one, I’m going to try a remote group, or perhaps go back to counselling myself for a bit so I have somewhere I can vent and process what I’m feeling without laying it on him.

I feel bad that given what he has told me I no longer trust him. It’s sad but I don’t want to leave him alone in the house because I worry he will crack. I’m due to go away with work at the end of the month and I want to suggest his sister coming to stay, but not sure how he will take that.

That sounds good OP. I hope it helps.

You shouldn’t have to see his messages though. It’s between him and his mentor.

If he snaps and drinks while you’re away it can’t be helped. Who knows he may surprise you by doing well.

It’s normal to have slip ups though. We all do with the things we like, cake for me.

As long as he isn’t looking after DC when he drinks though.

I wish you all the luck. This may help:

al-anon.org/

It's good to have faith in him, OP, but alcoholics are the most accomplished liars there are. Never forget that, and never let your guard down.

He may do this, or he may be going through the motions to deflect attention. Whichever it is, you need to protect yourself and your DC. That includes not letting him look after them alone or drive them around.

He won’t mean it. I’m sorry.

He preempted you and told you what you want to hear. That’s what alcoholic is do. They lie and lie and lie more to put you off and leech support.

Keep your boundaries.

I hope I’m wrong but experience tells me it’s unlikely.

Totally agree with @BrilloPaddy. I am still somewhat sceptical at this stage that he actually is going to tell his family this weekend, but would be v happy if you came back to the thread next week to say he has done it.

I would suggest the next steps if he's serious are telling his GP and then starting to tell his friends. He needs to come up with coping strategies for situations that might threaten his sobriety - so he should be flagging to you that you going away is a risk and presenting you with a strategy.

Him giving you the cards is just priming you for the role of jailer, and anyway he can use his phone or cadge dosh off a friend, or whatever. Equally if he wants to leave his cards at home in plain view, that's up to him.

I also feel incredibly guilty that I have allowed him to get to this point.
This is a really worrying feeling for you to have. This has nothing to do with you - you didn't cause it and you certainly can't control it. You are decidedly not his saviour, but you can be your own. Which means making it crystal clear you are ready to walk away to protect yourself and your children. I would very clearly lay the groundwork for that - separate your finances where you can, declutter in preparation for a house move, whatever it may be. It's not to say that you will have to do these things, but he needs to know you are serious.

Thank you @PoniesAnndProsecco its good to hear a positive story and I wish your husband all the best!

He is going up to his sisters tonight, her husband is out and he has asked his mum to come too. He is going to tell them he’s an addict and ask for their help and support. They both are aware of his drinking and both have asked me if my sobriety had had an effect on DH’s drinking in the past. However there are some very difficult family dynamics so I worry that his mum will complicate the situation by trying to lay the blame on DH’s dad which will just push DH further away from her.

His sister is very supportive and quite switched on so I hope she will rein in MIL a bit.

I told him I was worried about him being alone and he has told me he promises this is it and he will not drink, as he has the DD’s alone.

Does anyone have any advice on talking to kids about alcoholism? Should we even mention it?

Thank you all for your support, even those who are warning me for the worst, I do appreciate it and I do have an “escape fund” should the worst come to the worst.

Have a look at nacoa.org.uk/ for your kids.

This will have had a huge impact on your children. My dad was an alcoholic, a functioning one. It’s no environment for children to grow up.

You need to read lots and learn to set boundaries. Leaving his bank cards with you is not healthy or any way forward. He needs to take responsibility.

Thank you all.

He has told his parents and sister, so I am very pleased with him. He just got home and said he feels positive. Time will tell I suppose….

Phone them and check he really did tell them. He could easily be fibbing.

When you ring them, say “ I hear DH came to see you and tell you about his problems. Im so proud of him for facing his demons and I’m just phoning to reassure you that I’m going to do everything I can to support DH while he deals with his alcoholism. I know all about it, so now you know too feel free to let me know if you ever have concerns about him as we need to all be here for him” type thing.

If they say “eh, what are you talking about” you know he’s lied.

I have texted them both and it seems he did tell them. They both said they will support both him and me. SIL in particular said she knows it will be hard for me so I can talk to her anytime.

Today he said we needed milk and he would go (we live rurally so it’s about a 30 minute round trip). This is one of his things he does, he goes to the shops and presumably get a few beers and drinks them before coming home. So I said I will go. He said “ok then” but was clearly annoyed. The thing is how can I trust him? Was I wrong?

It’s difficult to get the balance right between trusting him and him feeling like he isn’t trusted when he knows he’s trying so hard and thinks he deserves it.

I think the thing is you now have to be completely open about this between the two of you. He says he will go to the shop and you should just say straight out 'how will you avoid buying drink?'. In fact more pertinently he needs to recognise that this is a dangerous activity for him and tell you what he plans to do. Probably some or all of:

• buy milk from somewhere that doesn't sell alcohol, like a petrol station
• avoid the alcohol aisle completely (this is what I do, or if I have to walk through it, I walk through it with my head completely down looking at the floor - and keep in mind I am ten years down the line from your DH)
• phone you as soon as he leaves the shop to confirm that he has not bought alcohol and so you know when he should arrive home if he's not stopping off to drink on the way.

He needs to have accountability, and it shouldn't have to be with you. He has his (apparent) support system, what does that say about accountability?

That’s a point. You could send him to do the shopping at hours when alcohol can’t legally be sold? Or is that curfew not in your area, it may just be in Scotland where it’s only sold from 10am to 10pm. Outwith that he can shop to his little hearts content. Providing he’s back home by 10am or doesn’t leave to go shopping until after 10pm he should be safe.

Or he can leave his phone at home so he can’t use an app to pay and just take cash. Milk. 70p. Or whatever. That’s so little it won’t let him buy drink.

These should be self-policing measures, though. Rather than OP sending him out with 70p or a strict curfew.

You’re thinking of ways for OP to control her DH. That won’t work.

If he understood that he had caused the lack of trust then he wouldn’t humpf at you when you clearly can’t trust him

She could suggest things like that for his consideration then when they are discussing strategy.

Or perhaps it would be better for him to dis uss that with the paid service people who are supposed to support him.

It’s not easy, I was in a similarish situation, went round in a cycle over several years of him saying he’d stop drinking and did a short term attempt at counselling / AA but wasn’t committed it was just long enough for him to look like he was trying until he could start again.
In the end the only thing that worked was asking him to leave when the lies got too much. As they will lie and pretty much got to the point he’d believe his own lies. It wasn’t to try and make him change I was just done with it all. It could’ve gone one way or the other he did change after that and I agreed he could come back, he also used to say AA didn’t suit him but now he was serious about change it has really been a massive support for him and this is now over several years that he still attends.

Other things were he found a counsellor specialising in addiction. He bought a breathalyser and would do it to show me or I could also ask him to do it anytime I wanted for example after these trips to the shop that he also liked to do. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to trust him again but it takes consistent change over a long time to be able to get some back. I have also done quite a bit of counselling for myself. Addiction may be an illness but you have a choice whether to carry on as you are or make changes even though it may be one of the hardest things you’ve ever done