Rehab: not sure what to do (long- sorry!)

[MrsRussell]

So I'm the adult child of a geriatric alcoholic.
It's very sad but I've stepped back from her - she's being hospitalised on average now once a month, not because she's hurt but because she's ringing and claiming to be having chest pains etc. (Due to anxiety, I suspect.)

She was discharged from the alcohol support team about three months ago due to a total lack of engagement - she did a 12 week stint in residential rehab but stopped attending meetings after a few months and has been relapsing regularly since. She's now been linked back in with the outreach team because she's drinking so much and hospitalised so often.

So... the question is, then. Just come out of hospital again this week, saying she couldn't walk, claiming she can't eat, shaking. Discharged same day. Outreach team are hoping to book in for a 4-week detox ASAP.
She bought herself a bottle of vodka on Friday because "if they're going to lock me up I might as well", I've just spoken to her now and she's p*ssed again - and denying it.
I'm (probably unreasonably) furious about this. It just seems to be taking the mickey, she has no intention of stopping drinking, she's been very clear on that "but at least I'm honest" - she just wants to be in a safe environment to detox sufficient to carry on drinking.
I've always been very clear with her support workers that this is her journey, not mine, and that I'm not directly involved with her recovery. (There's reasons for that.)

I really, really want to ring her key worker and tell them that she's been drinking all weekend - not so that she doesn't get the detox, but so they can make an informed decision as to whether that resource should go to someone who actually wants to use it, rather than someone who's been told they have to go. That sounds spiteful, written down: I don't mean she doesn't deserve it or that I want to punish her for relapsing.

Any thoughts?

If as you understandably say ‘it’s her journey, not yours’ then I’d stick to that and not involve yourself by telling the services about her weekend. They’ll have seen it all before and have her history. It must be an awful situation for you, protect yourself by keeping that distance.

You aren't spiteful and you aren't unreasonable. You've clearly put up with this for years and are at the end of your tether.

By all means let the key worker know if this is the case if it will be beneficial for you.

It is by no means uncommon to have a "last drink" before detox - but the key workers are not naive, they have seen her previous engagement and won't expect miracles. It sounds like this may be a way to medically manage other conditions she has, rather than a full rehabilitation in its truest sense.

The less you do, the more the authorities have to.

You can't do any more. You can't fix her. Stop.

Walk away sweetheart this will kill you emotionally I’ve been there with an ex, it’s horrific the worry never stops, you live in fear of the next bender. You have your life ahead of you, please put your self first.

After reading your post, I’m wondering what support you are getting? Al-Anon supports the family/friends of loved ones who have or a suspected alcohol addiction. You didn’t CAUSE it, you can’t CONTROL it and you can’t CURE it.
I do hope you find recovery for yourself, addiction is a terrible family disease.

@MrsRussell - this is an awful situation. Full disclosure - I am currently under the addictions team for alcohol addiction and my DM was also a geriatric alcoholic (although her dependence started when she was in her 50s).

For me, the crucial part here is that she does not want to stop it seems. There is nothing anyone can do about that unless she is to be locked up for the rest of her life so she cannot access alcohol. My DM was the same and died in her sleep from alcohol related complications. My MIL was the same with regards to smoking - she simply did not want to live the rest of her life craving nicotine so kept smoking until she died from a smoking related illness.
As others have said, you need to protect yourself here. There is not really anything you can do for your DM. It will be hard, but leave her to the professionals. If she decides she wants to quit and asks for support, that is a different story.

Alcohol is an awful master and she is in some ways a victim of a socially promoted drug so I do have some empathy for her. But from your perspective, please believe there is nothing you can personally do to help her if she doesn't want to stop.

Thanks all.
To clarify - I'm not really interested in getting help for her.
I don't think she wants it, and I'm not 100% sure she is capable of change. She's been very clear- she wants the alcohol and the enjoyable effects, she just doesn't like the withdrawal bit. And that's fair enough, she's a grown up, she's free to make her own decisions and to live with the consequences.

It just struck me as unfair to other service users that she was being prioritised over people who really did want to make a commitment to sobriety, based on what might well be an incorrect assumption (ie that she was currently abstinent) She's had 50 years of practice at covering up when she's been drinking and you have to know her well, to know. She's had such a high turnover of KWs - especially when they're only in phone contact due to Covid - that they don't always pick up on it. (They've told me that, it's not me second-guessing.)

Anyway the update from this morning is that she did tell her KW this morning that she'd been drinking over the weekend, so what decisions are made going forward are at least informed.

It's really good that she told them, she can still refuse a treatment or detox if she really doesn't want it.