DD hates me

[Lotty32]

I've been sober for 16 months and have put my family through hell before that. I honestly feel that I am the best version of myself (if a bit fat!) and am making living amends. My DD throws my drinking back at me sporadically - says I've ruined her life, how she doesn't want to live with me etc etc. She seems to have these vents about every 2 months - and between those times I think we are getting on very well.

Super stressful times for her - would love some advice for someone who has been through a similar experience?

I know I have damaged my family and I know that 16 months is a long time for me - it's a very short time for her. Thx.

hi @Lotty32 - I'm in a similar position although I've only been sober for a week! DD also says I've ruined her life (which I don't disagree with) but it making positive sounds towards me like she is proud of me for managing a week without drinking, that if I continue to abuse alcohol she won't let me see her children (in the future - she's not got any) and that I am a strong person so should be able to stop.

You don't say how old your DD is but you are right in so much as your drinking will have probably permanently altered your relationship - my DM was also an alcoholic and she went to her grave with me hating her for it - although she drank til she died. I say this not to be hurtful as I am in a similar position with my DD. But I think the longer you can show her the sober you, the bad times will fade and hopefully become distant memories which are superseded by good memories. But realistically, I think we both have to accept that we have damaged our DDs and the relationships with them, as you say. I am trying to build bridges by doing nice things with DD and just being there for her. Good luck and I hope your DD can in time accept you had a problem but you have persevered and overcome it.

Many thx - my DD is nearly 17

She's 16 and 16 year olds can be awful at the best of times, if she wasn't throwing your alcohol in your face, she'd be using something else. But she also has had the added complication of growing up and spending her formative years with an alcoholic mother. That will have made things harder, only you and your family know exactly how much harder its been,

I will just say well done and that my Dad was an alcoholic from when I was born until I was 22.

I didn't criticise him until he was sober because there was no point. He forgot every conversation we had.

Soon I got to trust that he was sober and I was proud of him.

My Dad has never apologised to me for the impact. I know he feels ashamed. If you haven't explicitly apologised to your DD it may help draw a line under it.

You need to let her have her feelings because when your parent is an alcoholic there is no space for your feelings. But also you don't need to accept this forever and its OK for you to express how you might hope she would feel...proud, relieved, glad it is over.

Hi Op,

Well done on being sober. And congrats on going 16 months. Stick with that.

I am the child of an alcoholic. My DF never apologised to us or to my Mum and so I never forgave him. He still lived a very long and contented life. And we were all with him throughout his life and throughout his long final illness (at a very old age).

But you can move on to a relationship with someone even if you can never forgive. The problems for my family was that my DF did not become a nicer person without alcohol - in fact, he was a charming drunk but a miserly, cantankerous sober person.

So, be realistic - how are you as a sober person? Are you gentle, kind hearted, loving? or do you expect the world to bow at your feet and tell you how amazing you are for staying sober?

My DF got sucked in to the cult that is AA and he was happiest with his AA pals who were there to massage his ego. AA replaced alcohol in his life as a means to escape parenthood, his marriage and any other adult responsibilities he wasn't up for.

But if you want a good relationship with your DD, please give her time - you are only sober 16 months, it will take much, much longer for her to heal.

It's a complex thing. I'm sure she is proud of you, loves you and wants to forgive you and most of the time she probably does. But sometimes the trauma comes back to haunt you and for a while, it's just as fresh as it ever was.

It'll take time for your daughter to get over what you've put her through, but the longer time passes without any relapses, you will earn her trust and the memories of the trauma will lessen somewhat. She is a child, she's been through an awful lot.

Well done on the 16 months and keep going - things will get easier for you both

I’m middle-aged and it’s been decades since my alcoholic father got help for his alcoholism and did therapy to address his underlying issues.

My relationship with him will always be guarded. He isn’t the same person he was, but I can’t afford to trust him completely. I always have a physical exit plan available from any space we are in and my child is never alone with him.

It’s going to take time to earn a degree of trust from your child. She is absolutely entitled to that time. You should not try to minimize the the impact this has had on her.

Well done on 16 months sober. Keep it up.

But in terms of your relationship with your DD, 16 months is nothing. She needs time to rebuild her trust in you - expect it to take years because you have let her down so badly. She also needs to hear from you - over and over again - that you are sorry for the drinking years. Making reparations for the harm you have inflicted on your family is a key part of your recovery.

Your DD should seek help from a support group - point her towards NACOA, she's old enough. You both need to give each other space and time to heal. It won't be easy.

My DDs' dad died still drinking, but in that time he spoke to a therapist who gave him realistic expectations for the healing process in terms of his relationship with his children. And yes, it was years.

All you can do is keep up the good work and acknowledge you messed up and it won't happen again
My mother never apologised or got help or acknowledged she had or was a problem , not even on her death bed
It's not too late for your relationship though

My friends mother was an alcoholic and it’s something most children never get over. I think uou need to understand that and cling to it to keep you sober. The only way to make amends now and to gain forgiveness is to stay dry.

You’ve done fantastically well. But she will be scared and traumatised and fearful you’ll relapse, so will continually remind you, as a way to stop you. The trauma of it will keep coming back to her.

The longer you stay sober, the more it will fade.

To someone who has had to live with an alcoholic, 16 months months is nothing. The fear they will drink again is always there. Plus there are years of things left unsaid that are probably bouncing around her head. Just because the person is now sober it never undoes the hurt and the trauma unfortunately and dealing with someone in the throws of an addiction is hugely traumatic, I dealt with it as an adult and I can't imagine going through it as a child. I can't suggest what to do though as the alcoholic in my life , even though they are sober, still refuses to acknowledge the harm they did to my life and I've just remained no contact. Well done on your sobriety and maybe the only way you can undo what has been done is to continue on your path and continue to work on yourself and be a better mother to her now and in the future.

Others have given lots of great advice.

Well done on keeping sober for a good, long stretch.

I do think you need to frame it differently. I don’t think calling it hatred from your daughter is actually helpful or healthy - she loves you but she’s very angry with you. And justifiably so, unfortunately. That’s a difficult burden to bear, but it’s an important distinction to make.

Many thx for all your extremely helpful advice which I really appreciate. X

@Ninkanink

Others have given lots of great advice.

Well done on keeping sober for a good, long stretch.

I do think you need to frame it differently. I don’t think calling it hatred from your daughter is actually helpful or healthy - she loves you but she’s very angry with you. And justifiably so, unfortunately. That’s a difficult burden to bear, but it’s an important distinction to make.

I think this post puts it so incredibly well. Your DD doesn't hate you. She loves you. She is also traumatised, angry and afraid. If you put in the work, you can build a new relationship with her, but it's going to be a long road. Good luck.