Worried about a friend's drinking

[Roseplanter]

I am in my mid-30s and have a close friend who I am increasingly worried about. I have known her since uni, and she has always been the heaviest drinker in our friendship group. She's really social and has lots of other friendship groups, but most of her activities revolve around drinking. She's a wonderful woman - smart, funny and welcoming to others. But when she drinks, she's often a nightmare. Abrasive, acting inappropriately, incapacitated to the point that she loses things or can't get herself home without help from others. Everyone else will have had a couple of drinks and she will be wasted. She is still single and has no kids, which I know she is sad about. I would say she drinks most days, always "socially". We were at a garden party this weekend, and she was completely out of control. The next day, she said she was fine and hasn't apologised to the host. I want to help her, but I know when others have spoken to her about her drinking, she has just dropped them. Does anyone have any advice on how I can approach her so she listens? Sorry this is quite long!

You can’t.
She knows her drinking is different to others and she doesn’t want to discuss it - otherwise she wouldn’t have dropped the others. She’ll have to get there in her own time.
I was her - trust me.

It sounds like she is using the 'drinking' to avoid dealing with the way her life is going at the moment. Are most of her friends single or coupled up, married, have children? If this is something she is longing for but seemingly unobtainable she could be using drinking to try to forget how 'sad' she is. Not that this is the only cause. Does she not see her drinking/behaviour as OTT. I realise she must be in her mid 30s too but are her family aware of how serious you feel the situation is? Is there anyway to find a hobby to do together where you absolutely cannot drink, a gym class (if rules allow) or a hike where you can get her to talk without it feeling like you are telling her she might have a problem. It'll take facing the issues she is surpressing to be able to swerve the alcohol.

Thanks both for your replies. I will try to speak to her more generally and let her know that I'm worried about her and that I'm available for support, should she want it. She wears her heart on her sleeve about her disappointment in not having found a partner, not having kids, not having a big house etc. One of the people she has cut out is her brother because he frequently lectures her about her drinking/behaviour and he doesn't trust her to babysit his children. The drinking is also starting to cost her friends and have impacts at work (e.g. Monday sickies). I think she must know she has a problem, but she has her head in the sand. It makes me so sad, and also angry that alcohol is everywhere and sold as being such great fun so that I will just be written off as "boring", when actually she's possibly going to make herself unwell. Anyway, thanks for the advice!

It is worrying that the brother has even decided she cannot be trusted to look after his children this is definitely a sign that she needs help. Could she be testing boundaries and perhaps she's feeling 'unwanted' so she's pushing people away before they have a chance to 'leave' her. In any case she is very lucky to have you as it seems like you're trying to approach helping her in the best possible way but respect how difficult it will be for her. And you want the friendship to survive. It's often when you are at your most content that you meet someone so perhaps this could help her see she needs to get to a good place being 'single' as this will undoubtedly help her mood and help her see she doesn't need to compare herself to others. Her life is what she wants to make of it. She sounds super social so if she can keep this going and leave out the drink surely she'll meet someone in no time. Also if you read a few more threads on here the whole 'big family, house, kids, dogs etc etc.' is often not all its cracked up to be. Sometimes focusing too much on the future just makes you miss the present completely...

What @PacifyLulu said. You can't change her. All you can do is say you're concerned about her relationship with alcohol, and you're there for her if or when she wants to chat or to offer support.

She may well cut you out. Sadly alcoholism is a chronic disease and without continued engagement with services / treatment to get better, it will likely continue to get worse.

All you can decide is if you want to spend time with her or not.

What Naimee says May or may not be true and it’s no doubt well intentioned but you’re not her counsellor and she hasn’t indicated she wants any help OP, please make sure you look after yourself and don’t try to take this on as your responsibility.

Oh yes perhaps my posts were a bit OTT. Sorry if they came across a bit intense. I can see PacifyLulu's point as she hasn't actually asked for help but i think if it were me i would do some intervening. But admittedly she is the only one who can change her behaviour and it boils down to if she wants to or not. But i'd be keeping in contact with her as much as i could

I agree, your friend is the only one who can help herself and she is not your responsibility. Nevertheless, I'd suggest activities and things to do together that don't involve alcohol. Just so that she can see there's enjoyment in things that aren't alcohol related.