My experience with alcohol and finally giving up

[superlyduperly]

I'm sorry if this is a long and boring read but I feel the need to get it all out. I'm part of a Facebook sober group but I feel I can't post there as it's not anonymous.

I've grown up with booze. My mum was and still is a daily drinker. I have many memories of her drunk as a child. She was never abusive or falling down drunk but she could be spiteful and behave/speak oddly.

I started drinking at 14/15. I loved the sense of freedom and confidence it gave me and didn't care that it often landed me in dangerous or embarrassing situations. Up until I had my ds I was a weekend binge drinker, going out with friends as you do as a young person. After ds I stopped for a while but as he got older I became a more habitual home drinker. During lockdown I was drinking almost every night and it left me sluggish fat and tired.

I did cut right back earlier in the year because I wanted to lose weight and the amount of calories in booze are just staggering. I noticed almost immediately how much better I felt during the week. So much more motivated, clearer thoughts, fresher looking and feeling. But I still couldn't resist a drink on the weekend which almost always wrote the following day off as id sleep terribly.

It came to a head this weekend when I got together with some friends for a few drinks for the first time in months. It got really out of hand. I became blackout drunk. Can't remember getting home but apparently I was really abusive and awful to dp who challenged me on my behaviour and then turned on ds10 and upset him. I feel utterly disgusted with myself. I've been careful never to let ds see me drunk but now he has that lasting memory. I can never let that happen again and have finally accepted that I have a bad relationship with booze.

It doesn't serve me. It saps my motivation and at worse, it makes me hurt the people I love. I don't often get in states like that but I simply can't risk it happening again. So for me it's day 2 AF. I would love to hear some support and inspiration from others who have realised they need to quit. Right now I'm feeling very vulnerable, anxious and ashamed. I've spoken to ds and apologised. He is fine but it breaks my heart that in a booze addled state I was unkind to him. In general I think I'm a decent person and a loving mum but that behaviour was anything but.

Thanks if you've read this far...

I have no advice to add, sorry, but we’ll done in coming to that realisation and making the first step.

You can do this, good luck for the future and sticking with it.

Hiya I've also battled constantly for years with the booze although more recently I've been trying to moderate to weekends only and haven't been acting as badly as I have done in the past (pre kids) but it still does affect some people in different ways so please don't beat yourself up about this that's the first thing as then you just feel more and more guilty and it eats away at you and affects your mental health! Please be kind to yourself and the fact that you have acknowledged that you want to give it up is amazing. Good luck x

Good for you. I stopped drinking years ago, and don't miss it now. I never thought I'd say that!
It takes a while but you realise that you haven't given up anything... You've gained so much more.

Hi op, this was me 2 years ago, and since then I haven't touched a drop. I can't tell you how much happier I am in every aspect of my life! I genuinely have no desire to go back to drinking and in my 2 years af have been pleasantly surprised by the variety and quality of af drinks. My new favourite is Gordon's 0% with fever tree tonic tastes just like the 'real' thing.
There are some tricky bits along the way, eg my friendship group has changed my old friends also drank/ still drink a lot and were not really interested in hanging out with a sober person. I never tried to guilt trip them but I just think they have the mentality that non-drinkers are 'boring'. But I have grown closer to exsisting acquaintances who I now have more in common with and who are lovely genuine and warm people and in all honesty there is far far less drama when you take alcohol out of the equation!
The main positives are sleep (I sleep so well these days), looking forward to every day, always being present, weight loss and yes I do feel like I'm a better parent now. I just wish that I had done it sooner.
I read a brilliant book called 'this naked mind' which I would highly recommend it really helped me in the first few months which I think are the hardest. Good luck and stay strong, don't beat yourself up too much about past mistakes, most of us have been there at some point, just move forward with positivity and look forward to many lovely sober years with your dc.

I'm right there with you this morning op.

I remember going to bed last night, but of my god I sent some utter slurring nonsense messages to lots of people last night. So embarrassing. I'm going to have to get out of bed to throw up soon. What a mess.

I'm supposed to be driving somewhere this afternoon. Not sure that's going to happen.

I only drink once or twice a week, I cut down to max 2 days recently. But I completely binge when I do drink. I don't want to show my face today

Oh bless you @Prem7979 I've been there before. The horrible anxiety as you check social media to see what utter rubbish you've posted. I just feel so done with it all. What does booze give me? A few hours of misplaced confidence and then days of anxiety and guilt.

Like you, I struggle to stop once I start. And that's why it's going to be better if I just don't start at all. I've dealt with many hangovers, embarrassing situations, ribbing from friends or colleagues about my behaviour....but when my ds is affected by it it's time to stop making excuses and change.

It's ridiculous isn't it. Why do we do this? I'm 38, not 19. Yes binge drinking is so embarrassing.

I tell myself I'm not that bad because I don't drink every day or even several days a week, but when I do it's to a stupid level.

Are you going to stop completely forever?

Last night I read a quote about enjoying bright and fresh mornings more than alcohol. When I focus on that it is very easy to turn down the offer of wine.

@Prem7979 I think I'm going to have to. I've tried to moderate several times but it just doesn't happen. I have more 'harmless' chilled nights with dp and a bottle of wine than I do crazy, destructive nights but I don't seem to have any control over how it escalates. So it's probably best just not to take that risk.

Forever feels like a long time and it will really affect my social life and friendships. But I am going to take it a day at a time and see how it goes. I will definitely never drink when ds is around though. I never want him to see me like that again.

Yeah, it's easy to think that it's "mostly" ok, if it doesn't happen too often.

Hopefully your DS won't remember it, does he know you were drunk? Or does he think you were just angry?

@Prem7979 no he knows I was drunk and I have explained to him that alcohol can be dangerous and make you behave badly like that. He doesn't seem too bothered any of it now but he was upset at the time.

I'm in my mid 30s too. Why haven't we learned by now? The hangover and fallout is never worth the drink.

Hi @superlyduperly this was me 3 years ago and now I don't drink.
Life is so so much better and calmer now.
A quote I love is "alcohol steals tomorrow's joy" so true.
Well done for acknowledging you have a problem with alcohol.
In the early days I loved Allen Carrs "Easy Way" then I found "Alcohol Explained" by William Porter so insightful.
I now have zero desire to drink and see that I have JOMO rather than FOMO.

Your post could have been written by me. I'm struggling to give up even though a couple of weeks ago, I did something really stupid and thought I had finally hit rock bottom. I have no idea what my rock bottom is going to be. Probably death.
I go through phases giving up and in that time, I feel so fantastic. I can never understand why I go back to it. I do now, though. I go back to it because I am addicted. Pure and simple.
I think a life coach could help me. I need daily encouragement as once the seed is planted, I find it very difficult to ignore. Feckin wine witch 🧙‍♀️

[quote superlyduperly]@Prem7979 no he knows I was drunk and I have explained to him that alcohol can be dangerous and make you behave badly like that. He doesn't seem too bothered any of it now but he was upset at the time.

I'm in my mid 30s too. Why haven't we learned by now? The hangover and fallout is never worth the drink. [/quote]
He sounds like a good boy. I don't have children, I dread to think some of the states I've been in over the last few years.

But because I haven't been badly injured/arrested/crashed my car or anything I tell myself I'm not too bad, but I know I am. I could hear myself slurring last night. What an idiot.

Maybe we'll be more sensible in our 40's?