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Alcohol support

DH drinks while WFH - intervention required?

15 replies

Bottlingitup · 18/05/2021 00:12

We've been WFH since the first lockdown last year. In recent months my DH has started drinking 2-3 beers in the afternoon while working from home. This has become near daily and he'll often carry on in the evening with 2-3 glasses of wine while making dinner.

I feel like there are so many red flags (drinking while working being the most obvious) but he disagrees and will often try to avoid discussing it. I don't put beer in the grocery order so he goes to the corner shop to get beer and claims he drinks beer because he likes the taste of it. But can't give any cogent explanation as to why he starts drinking in the afternoon during working hours.

Recently he didn't drink for 3 weeks to prove to himself that he could be teetotal - and now he uses that to reassure himself that he doesn't have a problem ("I can stop when I want to").

In the past 24 hours he drank a whole bottle of wine by himself and didn't offer me a glass or let me see that he was drinking. When I noticed the empty bottle in the recycling bin and confronted him about that this evening, he tried to deflect by pointing out that our good friends also drink "a couple of bottles between the two of them each night". Then he admitted he would rather not drink at all, than have to be moderate (because he finds it very difficult to stop after 1 or 2 glasses).

We have a 5 year old and he thinks nothing of drinking a few beers or having a few glasses of wine while having sole charge of our son in the afternoon or evening (e.g. while I am out). We disagree on this.

I'm worried about his health and dependency. And as an additional concern, impaired judgment from drinking like this while looking after our child.

I need advice on whether and how to stage an intervention. Am I being unreasonable here? Every conversation we have about this, I come away feeling like he does not acknowledge there might be a problem.

OP posts:
FrankieDettol · 18/05/2021 11:19

Saw your post on AIBU too. My ex once tried to persuade me I was overreacting when I lost it with him for drinking on a Sunday morning as he looked after our baby alone.
More recently he has made excuses for drinking saying he wanted to, but he didn't need to.
He's a self confessed alcoholic who has detoxed and done rehab.
He once took our children for breakfast at a pub and was drinking 'to be sociable'.
Problem drinkers will always find an excuse so it's up to you how much you can put up with.

fedup078 · 18/05/2021 16:39

Wow this all sounds so familiar
@FrankieDettol that was the last straw for me, when I came down on a Sunday morning and found him hammered while looking after our 11 month old
He said he'd stop
He didn't
He said he'd get help
He didn't
He's now living elsewhere and we are getting divorced

Stickywhitelovepiss · 18/05/2021 18:29

And mine...

He's just been sacked "on the grounds of capability". Nothing to do with the fact vodka o' clock coincided with working hours, I'm sure Hmm

I'll be filing for divorce within the week - after years coming to this awakening...

I had some wonderful responses on my two threads on the same theme.

Wolfiefan · 18/05/2021 18:32

Staging an intervention won’t work.
Alcoholics only (sometimes) stop drinking when they decide it is something they desperately want to do.
You can’t control if he drinks or not. You can only control your response.

Stickywhitelovepiss · 19/05/2021 19:23

Bumping for you OP

Chosennone · 19/05/2021 19:29

He's fallen into bad habits that have probably spiralled into addiction. Supporting an addict is the path to madness unless they genuinely want to change. Its ultimatum time and you could do with getting your ducks in a row so you can follow through with any threats. Fair enough he wants to drink beer on the daily cos he likes the taste. You don't want to be with a daily drinker. Make it clear that he has a choice. If he chooses to drink everyday/afternoon whichever, you'll end the marriage. Make sure you get some support for yourself. He will try every tack to not give up drink if he doesn't want to.

fedup078 · 19/05/2021 19:35

What was his drinking like pre-Covid ?
If this is a new habit maybe it can be turned around so might not mean the end of your marriage
As it stands he's got a real problem going on here
You need to give him ultimatums and stick to your guns
I told my h in December any more fck ups and he's out and I meant it

CheshireCats · 19/05/2021 19:39

Well, only you can decide if you want to live like this for the rest of forever- because people with an alcohol problem can only stop if they want to - and he doesn't want to.
However- drunk (over driving limit) in sole charge of your child - that would be a deal breaker for me.
I am the child of an alcoholic parent, and have memories from the age of 5 of my parent being drunk/ drunk and nasty. So, undoubtedly your child will become aware of issues very soon if they haven't already.
My parent would also have a "week off" drinking to prove they didn't have a problem- they did.... It is telling that your Dp already says they can't stop after one or two drinks...
Ultimately, and many years down the line my parent died of their alcoholism.
Of course, your Dp could turn things round at such an early stage- but only if they actually want to. As hard as it is, you need to talk to him about it and set out your bottom line and mean it and stick to it.

CheshireCats · 19/05/2021 19:41

@Stickywhitelovepiss I remember your thread about DH disappearing with the car and subsequently telling you lies/ police wouldn't tell you details. Did it go to court in the end? Did you ever get to the bottom of what had happened?

Mowzy · 19/05/2021 19:43

claims he drinks beer because he likes the taste of it

Get some Nanny State in and suggest he drinks that to see how he reacts. It's the best 0% beer I've tried, honestly it tastes just like a decent beer.

What would he say to that?

Stickywhitelovepiss · 20/05/2021 13:06

@CheshireCats - he got off in court, as the key witness didn't turn up.

Bit of a hollow victory, as the "stress" of the court case sent him back off the vodka wagon, he's embarrassed himself in front of various people drunk and on benzoes, and been sacked from work.

I'm kicking off divorce proceedings tomorrow (solicitors booked)

CheshireCats · 20/05/2021 13:10

@Stickywhitelovepiss . Oh dear. Good luck at the solicitors. You can do this! 💐

Mintjulia · 20/05/2021 13:18

My Ex used to say that, until I added it up to 80 units a week. Every week.

There were instances when he was drunk and said some truly awful things in front of my family, and I left. I didn't want our DS growing up thinking drinking every day was ok.

Runway · 24/05/2021 17:44

I don’t think a few glasses of wine with a 5 year old is an issue as long as he’s not hammered!

Drinking every day in work hours not good.

TheLasrStraw · 29/05/2021 17:14

My H started in drinking on work Zoom calls too.

He was then horrid to DD early evening.

Massive red flag. Act now, although I know it is hard.

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