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Alcohol support

DH's drinking

15 replies

igetitallwrong · 04/05/2021 10:34

My DH drank 2 and a half bottles of red wine yesterday, staggered up to bed and told me he wanted us to split up. He doesn't remember this today. He regularly drinks 10 cans of stella in the evening - probably 5 nights out of 7. He isn't abusive, in fact he is normally kind, funny and and supportive, but I cannot sit by and watch him drink himself to death. also it costs a fortune, he must be drinking his way through at least £200 a month.

He has mental health issues and suffers with stress, so I know its a coping mechanism but I find that I am struggling too watching him get blotto every night.

Has anyone else experienced this? I think most people expect abusive behaviour from alcoholics but its only when he drinks red wine that he gets a bit rude, and says stupid things.

I don't want to start again as we are in our 50s. we have a teenager in the house who is oblivious to it all but if we split up and she has to live part time with him, she will be vulnerable (not in an abusive way but he doesn't lock the door at night, and he wouldn't make sure she was eating properly etc)

I realise a lot of people have it worse and I sound very moany but I feel fed up today

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FlibbertyGiblets · 04/05/2021 10:40

Your teenager certainly will know that her Dad is obnoxious when drunk, 5 nights out of 7.

Can you contact Al Anon?

I am so sorry.

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igetitallwrong · 04/05/2021 11:53

Hi

Yes I am looking into joining, thank you for your kind response. x

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FlibbertyGiblets · 04/05/2021 12:41

Take care of yourself, not an easy path to tread. Don't be afraid to vent on here as well, always someone to listen and support.

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percheron67 · 04/05/2021 12:52

i so wanted to post something hopeful. My dh was a functioning alcoholic. He drank himself to death before I could make proper plans to leave. Good Luck with whatever you decide.

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mdh2020 · 04/05/2021 12:55

My DH is an alcoholic and after he fell through the front door having gashed a hole in his arm and wet himself (sorry), I waited for him to sober up and told him point blank that although I had nursed him through many illnesses this was the one thing that would break us up. I am in my 70s and I told him I wasn’t prepared to spend the rest of my life dealing with this behaviour. He went to the GP and got involved with a local charity which deals with addictions and regularly attends their meetings.
However, the one thing I have learnt through dealing with my sister who is also an alcoholic is that the person has to want to stop. They also have to reach rock bottom before they will take any action and rock bottom is usually far lower than you can possibly imagine.
If you split up I don’t think a judge would allow your daughter to spend time with your husband. In any case, it sounds as if she is reaching an age where she would make up her own mind.

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pointythings · 04/05/2021 13:32

If your DD is a teenager, she will have a voice in deciding whether or not she wants contact. If she's 13-14 she will be able to outright refuse if she quotes his drinking as the reason.

Your husband won't stop unless he wants to, and he won't want to unless there are consequences to his drinking. Right now he has a cushy life at home with you there to pick up the pieces after him. And your DD knows. Believe me, she does. My DDs knew from age about 8 that their father had an issue with drinking.

So what do you want to happen? You can live your life like this, or you can take action. There are no guarantees either way - functioning alcoholics often become non-functioning alcoholics. Alcohol has massive impacts on an addict's life and health - do you want to be his carer when the health consequences hit? Or you could put your foot down and say 'enough, no more' - but then you have to follow through. I can't tell you that if you do X, everything will be OK - chances are that it won't.

Whatever you do, it has to be right for you. You're living with an addict, so everything you do now has to be about protecting yourself and your DD. He is not on the list of people you are looking after, he can't ben.

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BritInAus · 04/05/2021 13:49

I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been where you are. Partner of ten years. Left them a year ago - they were dead 10 months later (liver failure).

Honestly, you are not too young to start again. X

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beaufortstreet · 04/05/2021 14:02

You said your teenage daughter is oblivious to it. That cannot be true and it is really not good for her to see this self destructive behaviour.

I think you need to act for yourself and your child. Maybe it will jolt your partner into action.

Saying that you are in your 50s and don't want to start again is understandable but it's also a way of avoiding action.

Wishing you the strength to make good, active decisions.

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thesugarbumfairy · 04/05/2021 14:10

yes.

is he acknowledging his behaviour at all? or does he minimise it? My DH is doing really well at the moment, but it got really bad. He fell over trying to get out of bed after a drunken nap, vomited red wine all over the bedsheets, smashed his face on the bedside table, and my 14 year old found him, covered in puke and snot and blood on the floor with his trousers round his ankles. I doubt he will ever unsee that.

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igetitallwrong · 04/05/2021 14:31

Thank you so much for the responses, I appreciate all of them. they have made me realise what has normal in our home.

@percheron67 and @BritInAus - your partners dying are frightening wake up calls for me.

I would say he has been a functioning alcoholic as long as I have known him, (18 years) but its only a matter of time before he tips over. He knows he has a problem. He works but his nerves mean that he can't cope when things get difficult.

He is absolutely not abusive but its depressing to watch him self destruct, and I don't want DD to think this is normal. I am considering our options seriously.

thanks again for making me realise things must change

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pointythings · 04/05/2021 15:49

igetitallwrong you can add me to the list of people whose OH died - in my husband's case, 8 months after he moved out, 12 days before the nisi was pronounced.

You should get some support for yourself - Here's a list of organisations that can help. alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

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fedup078 · 04/05/2021 17:59

I threw my h out a month ago
He also wasn't abusive in the traditional sense and he often told me it wasn't a problem because he didn't hit me 🙄
Or he'd just lie and deny he'd even had a drink and told me I was paranoid ( I was not)
It's not just the drinking it's the total lack of respect for you and the family unit
Mine won't even consider getting any help
Have you brought up the subject of outside help and if so what does he say?

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igetitallwrong · 05/05/2021 09:02

Thanks for the messages. He stayed off the booze last night

Of course dd knows he is a boozer but normally he drinks at home then falls asleep so its not a huge problem to her if you see what i mean. When the pubs reopen he will be staggering home again

He is aware that he has a problem but says he enjoys having a drink. He has spoken to the gp about it previously when things were bad but the waiing list for counselling was huge and is probably 10x worse now thanks to covid

I am going to look into the support groups in the hope that he will join one and tell him he must cut down and get some help

I don’t want to be his carer when it all starts to take its toll. Annoyingly he had a liver function test about 8 years ago and it showed no problem- i hoped it would show damage and it would slow him down

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NeilBuchananisBanksy · 05/05/2021 09:46

Google adult children of alcoholics. Your daughter will know and she will be affected by this.

I had an alcoholic dad and my mum thought she was shielding us. She wasn't.

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pointythings · 05/05/2021 10:33

igetitallwrong liver function tests are a very poor way of diagnosing whether or not alcohol is affecting someone's health. The liver is an amazing organ - it will keep going and going and show up as normal no matter what abuse is heaped on it. Then when it goes, it goes hard and fast. It wasn't liver disease that killed my husband, it was heart disease caused by alcohol abuse.

The support groups are for you, not him. He needs to either access his GP, do AA or do something like SMART recovery - but you can't make him do that. The support groups are so that you can set boundaries for what you will and will not tolerate from him, to make you feel less alone and to give you the strength to take hard decisions when the time comes that you have to.