How do you (gently) address alcohol issues with family member ?

[HelloMama]

My MIL is a functioning alcoholic. Probably has been for a very long time. It's now becoming obvious that she's not functioning so well and her drinking is noticeable and the effects concerning.

We have a good relationship and my DH and I have dropped various hints that we know there is a issue but she completely avoids any possible discussion about it. I think she knows there is a (big) problem but doesn't know where to start to even think about sorting it.

I think we need to do more than just drop hints that we're worried, but how is the best way to ask if we can help or find out what support she needs ? I don't want her to feel ashamed or judged, and I appreciate she may not be ready to address it. But I don't feel we can continue to ignore it - she is going to end up hurt or very unwell soon because of how much she drinks.

How would you suggest we broach this? What do you even say without making the whole problem worse?

We had this with FIL prior to his death, my DF is also an alcoholic.
Ultimately you can’t make someone who drinks reduce or cut down unless they want to and there is no point offering help or support if they don’t want to be helped or supported. If she avoids the discussion then she doesn’t want to stop drinking or is in denial that she has a problem.

FIL would still be with us now if it wasn’t for the fall he had after drinking.
DF is facing memory issues but the memory clinic won’t assess him or help because he is a drinker. It’s so upsetting. Alcoholism is a terrible disease.

Sorry to hear your experiences @Youdontknowwhatyoureonabout Agree it's awful for both the sufferer and those standing by and watching.

I guess she's going to have to hit rock bottom before she accepts it's a problem she needs serious help with.

I just want her to know that we're here and will help with whatever she needs if she feels ready to talk? But it's even how and when to say that, when it's not a subject that's easy to bring up. It's that fine line between not shaming or embarrassing her, but also letting her know that we know there is a problem and it's now noticeable in day to day life.

I'm not sure it would even make any difference but if it's something you think you're hiding well and the secret is out, surely that would make some difference? Or maybe not....

She may not want help, she may want to live her life this way.

By my parameters my dad should have hit rock bottom at least three times I know of, but it’s never made a difference. I’m so sorry you’re going through this, alcoholism is known as the family disease as it affects everyone. I recently addressed my dads need for mental health support (and got him on anti ds and CBT) because I knew that the alcohol conversation would lead nowhere and I can’t bear the lies. At least with the anti depressants he’s less negative and destructive when drunk.

If I were you I’d give it a go, and explain you’re coming from a place of concern not judgement, but even if she accepts she’s an alcoholic nothing may change so be prepared for that. Alcoholics in the grip of their disease lie as easy as they breathe.

Bear in mind even if she does hit rock bottom, that is not necessarily indicative of any desire for change. My mother has had a serious issue with alcohol for the best part of 30 years and it has severely damaged my relationship with her. She has never expressed any desire for help and to this day, gets aggressive and defensive if the topic is brought up.

Maybe she does want to live her life this way and I certainly think she enjoys a drink (or 5,6,7...) but I also think she is lonely and anxious, so uses alcohol to relieve those feelings . It probably works well when she's actually drinking but if there was a way that she could address those other things, then I wish we could support her to do that. But I know it's never that easy and this is how she manages her problems. But she's now shaky, you can see she is a drinker. I worry about her driving the day after... I don't want to wait until something happens. But perhaps we have to and that's the conversation opener?

I think a lot of older people drink because they are bored and lonely. My great aunt used to have a whisky while cooking her tea, and another after tea. She actually said that it was her company of an evening, and she looked forward to it because it meant bed time was on the way.
My DF has now started doing the same. He is also lonely and just wants to get to bedtime.

My mum and stepdad are in denial alcoholics and it's so hard to start a discussion about it. I let them get on with it but I won't answer the phone to them past 8pm as they would clearly have had a drink.
My sister has dealt with it the complete opposite and has had a massive falling out with them this week over it all.
I'm now stuck in the middle and don't know what to do or say.
They both work so think there's no issues as they aren't drinking all day but it's definitely a problem and as much as I enjoy a social drink I don't anymore for fear of ending up like them.
No advice for you sadly but interested to see others opinions.

That's exactly it @Earlybirdmissedtheworm if we call after 6pm, or earlier at the weekend, we have terrible slurred phone calls which are just embarrassing and awful. You have no idea if she'll remember afterwards why you called... We just don't call anymore, which just then adds to the loneliness and isolation that she feels. Because she gets up and goes to work, I think she feels it's all normal but I worry so much about the early starts the next day as she'll be clearly over the limit and it's only a matter of time before something happens. I worry so much about that.

My DH won't let the kids stay any more after the kids said she came into their room and fell off the bed after drinking wine (they're a bit older, so not at risk per se, but still...) The fact they noticed it was a problem says it all.

Makes me so sad. She's got to want to change, but I wonder what (if anything) will make that change process start?

It's awful being on the outside but there's nothing we can do until they realise it's an issue.
My 10 year old said "nanny's probably drunk" when she was calling the other night and I just thought that says it all.
My mum had a scare recently when she had a blood test before taking a fungal nail infection medication, they said it wasn't suitable as something had flagged up on the liver test and she said she needed to stop drinking but hasn't and hasn't chased up her follow up test either.
To be honest I feel like I will watch them drink their selves to death and its frightening.
I also worry about my mum driving the next morning as she would definitely be over the limit still but she won't hear of it.
Because she isn't falling over herself drunk she doesn't think it's a problem.
It is such a shame, you aren't on your own in worrying and feeling helpless.

I know how you feel, but there's nothing you can do. If you raise it with her, she is likely to either ignore you or become very defensive. The only person who can make change happen is her.

I have every sympathy for your feelings of powerlessness; yesterday was the second anniversary of my mother's death. She died of a fall in her house and had been heavily alcohol dependent for some years. Try to get some support for yourself from an organisation supporting the families of alcoholics - list here: alcoholchange.org.uk/alcohol-facts/fact-sheets/a-guide-to-family-support-services

Thank you for your kind words @Earlybirdmissedtheworm and so sorry to read about your mum @pointythings.

And you're all right: this is her challenge to face, and it will only change if she chooses it to. We will hopefully be here to pick up the pieces along the way. In the meantime we can only try and continue a positive relationship as we are able to....