Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Alcohol support

Mumsnet doesn't verify the qualifications of users. If you have medical concerns, please consult a healthcare professional.

Flip

Original poster

Heavy drinker to moderate drinker?

24 replies

Cityzen74 · 20/04/2021 10:42

Is it possible to go from being a heavy drinker and needing support to stop to someone who can drink in moderation? Does anyone know anyone who has managed that? Thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Cityzen74 · 20/04/2021 10:42

I am not a heavy drinker by the way. Is someone else

OP posts:

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 20/04/2021 12:34

My DH managed this. He was diagnosed with generalised anxiety and depression as a teenager and self medicated through difficult times for most of his life. A few months after we met, I noticed he tended to drink heavily in times of stress and pointed it out. He explained that this had always been the case (not instantly - a bit of denial and some difficult conversations first) and that he wanted to change it. Together we looked into better ways of handling mental health and what changes we could make - I can’t speak for everyone but here’s what worked for him:

Treating his mental health conditions with medication, consistently and correctly.
Going to therapy and undertaking CBT.
Planning and sticking to alcohol free nights each week.
Switching to 2% beers and giving up wines and spirits altogether.
Making plans with friends and family that don’t involve alcohol (COVID has been a wee blessing in disguise for that!). Previously he and his mates were all about the pub - he will now meet friends for dog walks and coffee and going to the park with the kids.

pointythings · 20/04/2021 12:59

I did - up until 2015 I was drinking 45 - 50 units a week. Not as much as some, but far too many, with no alcohol free days.

What made me stop was having a really bad cold, pouring myself a glass of wine and realising I couldn't bloody taste it - so why was I drinking it?

I did a month alcohol free, with the resolve that if I found it hard in any way, I would give up drink permanently and seek treatment. I was lucky, with me it was just boredom and habit. Not drinking was easy and still is. These days I'm under 10 units a week and most of my days are alcohol free.

My late husband was not lucky - he was addicted and drink killed him.

HappyWipings · 20/04/2021 13:04

I used to drink a bottle of wine each night. I stopped this by taking up running and gradually cutting back. It became easier to not drink as I'd perform badly at park run if I hit the wine the night before. This was a decade ago and although I no longer run , I managed to stay away from alcohol and don't drink at all anymore.

Pumperthepumper · 20/04/2021 13:11

It’s definitely possible, although I think for some people it’s probably something they have to constantly keep on top of.

You can’t make anyone else stop drinking though. If there’s a heavy drinker in your life, they have to want to do it.

HappyWipings · 20/04/2021 13:16

@Pumperthepumper yes , definitely. I think it also depends on the reasons for your excessive drinking. My exh is dependent on alcohol but he comes from a family that raise a glass to absolutely everything , they're always on the booze. Its probably harder if this is your situation. My drinking started during a stressful period in my life and luckily I was able to spot it and deal with it a couple of years after it began.

Pumperthepumper · 20/04/2021 13:21

[quote HappyWipings]@Pumperthepumper yes , definitely. I think it also depends on the reasons for your excessive drinking. My exh is dependent on alcohol but he comes from a family that raise a glass to absolutely everything , they're always on the booze. Its probably harder if this is your situation. My drinking started during a stressful period in my life and luckily I was able to spot it and deal with it a couple of years after it began.[/quote]
Yes, I know a few people who are heavy drinkers socially but don’t have the same emotional relationship with it as my friends who drink to self medicate. It must be incredibly hard to cut back if you’re around it a lot.

Original poster

Cityzen74 · 20/04/2021 14:07

Thank you all so much for your replies. They are so helpful and I really appreciate it.

It’s good to know that it is possible to cut down rather then stopping completely.

I realise that I can’t control anyone else’s drinking and I am only responsible for me. I suppose I am worried about relapses and being back to square one but I have to remind myself I am not in control of this. Is hard though.

Thank you all

OP posts:

iloveeverykindofcat · 20/04/2021 16:57

I think it depends why people drink. I never enjoyed drinking, and I never drink moderately - or even particularly frequently. I just binge drank on occasion to self medicate anxiety and because I wanted to eat and not hate myself (I have had anorexia since I was thirteen). Of course, combined with my low body weight and lack of food leading up to the binges, this was perfectly sufficient to land me in hospital on more than one occasion. I'll never be a moderate drinker, because I don't want to be. I just sometimes want to black out, and alcohol was one method I used.

Now, if someone actuallly enjoys drinking - but also abuses it - I don't see why they couldn't go back to drinking in moderation, because they are doing it for different reasons to previously. On the other hand, alcohol is physically addictive. I have not been addicted to it personally because I never drank frequently enough, but I do know what addiction is like, and I think that would be a big risk.

Original poster

Cityzen74 · 20/04/2021 17:32

@iloveeverykindofcat yes I think you are right that it does depend on why you drink. Am sorry to hear about your anorexia - that must be really hard.

@Nowhereelsetogo90 can I ask whether your DH finds it ok just drinking sometimes? Does he find it hard just to stick to the beer and never have wine or spirits? Of course feel free not to answer if you would rather not.

I do worry that if someone has needed help as they physically couldn’t stop drinking on their own then is it possible to just drink moderately? I suppose I will just have to see.

Thanks again everyone

OP posts:

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 20/04/2021 18:03

@Cityzen74 He finds sticking to the beer very easy as he was only really drinking other things for purpose of getting drunk. Whereas he enjoys a few beers. As for the drinking sometimes, he finds it harder at some times than others. In normal day to day life not at all, but in times of stress it can be harder. It’s a constant balance and work in progress but overall he recognises that the physical and mental health benefits are totally worth it.

iloveeverykindofcat · 20/04/2021 18:07

I do worry that if someone has needed help as they physically couldn’t stop drinking on their own then is it possible to just drink moderately? I suppose I will just have to see.

Ooof I must admit that sounds unlikely. I mean it's not impossible. Abstinence is not the only model of sobriety anymore. But if they couldn't physically stop that's a real addiction, and I'd also be worried about them getting addicted then going into withdrawals. To be honest, in my opinion, that is someone who should not drink. But at the end of the day, adults will and must make their own choices.

Original poster

Cityzen74 · 20/04/2021 18:51

@Nowhereelsetogo90 thanks so much for your reply. It sounds like your DH is getting on really well .

@iloveeverykindofcat thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

Cityzen74 · 20/04/2021 19:19

@pointythings I am sorry to hear about your late husband. Thanks for telling me about how you cut down on drinking. You have done really well and it’s great you were able to do that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cityzen74 · 20/04/2021 19:21

@HappyWipings running definitely sounds like a great way to cut down and ultimately stop drinking

OP posts:

Tal45 · 20/04/2021 19:26

I think it's a dangerous game if you've had an addiction and then got sober to think you can control it. Look at some of the footballers and what their addictions have done to them, completely unable to have one drink. Relapses are incredibly common I believe but you can get straight back on the wagon, thinking you can drink moderately could easily be a slippery slope and I guess this person has to ask themselves if it is worth it.

pointythings · 20/04/2021 19:44

I think that if you find it difficult or impossible to stop drinking, you have a problem that is not to be resolved by moderation. People like that need to go full sober.

HuntingoftheSnark · 20/04/2021 20:12

There's a bit in the big book (AA bible) that says something like, "the idea that someday, somehow, he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it to the gates of insanity or death".

I've been in recovery for many years and I wouldn't risk it. I am so sure that one drink would be too many and a thousand not enough - and I have control and choice over that first drink, I cannot blame an illness, a disease or a person or in fact anything or anyone.

If someone is a heavy drinker and not an abnormal drinker/alcoholic then yes, I believe they could moderate.

pointythings · 20/04/2021 20:20

Hunting that quote describes my late husband so very well. About 6 weeks after I had him removed from the family home by police for threatening to kill me, I went round to drop off some mail and there he was, cider tin in hand, smelling of it just like before. He told me he was only having the one because 'he liked the taste'. He never took the first step on the road to sobriety.

My sister's DP on the other hand did all the work, including a great deal of therapy to repair his shattered self-esteem, and he has been sober 10 years.

HuntingoftheSnark · 20/04/2021 20:25

@pointythings I remember your story well. I was formerly known as lobsterquadrille. If anyone needed a reminder, stories like your husband's are a warning to us that for some, it never goes. I am that person too, if I have a drink, and I'm lucky that I have no desire or intention to do so.

pointythings · 20/04/2021 20:41

HuntingOfTheSnark so good to see you on these threads still delivering wisdom and support! I hope you are keeping well.

Hangingover · 20/04/2021 20:49

I do worry that if someone has needed help as they physically couldn’t stop drinking on their own then is it possible to just drink moderately?

Unlikely. I'd wager there are far far far more dependent drinkers that cant moderate than those few who have somehow managed to moderate. Rule of thumb is if you consistently fail to moderate it's best to have none.

Original poster

Cityzen74 · 21/04/2021 19:48

Thanks again everyone for really helpful posts and sharing your experiences with me.

@HuntingoftheSnark yes I agree that there is a difference between heavy drinkers and abnormal drinkers. What you say makes a lot of sense and helps a lot.

Thank you

OP posts:

NaToth · 28/04/2021 16:53

Two years ago I was drinking anything up to sixty units a week, blacking out regularly and really struggling. I approached my GP, who simply said 'Oh my, that's a lot.' and gave me a prescription for anti depressants and sleeping tablets!

I'm now well within government guidelines and have had stretches of several months sober.

What has helped me has been a period of respite after a series of very stressful events in quick succession, the removal of one stressor that was so big I could not see it at the time and working on my fitness during lockdown.

Flip