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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Alcoholic husband - when is it time to leave?

24 replies

MonaRoza · 18/04/2021 20:33

Hi All

I am feeling rather down today. My husband is an alcoholic, and weekends often feels extremely difficult for us all. We have 2 young kids. He sometimes work at weekends. Often gets worked up about say-to-day stresses of a family life and gets drunk. When drunk, he can get quite upset and speak in a hurtful way to us. Sobers up and then off to work. A vicious circle! We have been on this pattern for years now. I end up doing most of the house work / child care / homework etc. As much as one part of me really feels for him (he is depressed, drinking is the result of his mental challenges), I am so very tired of this all. I often thought about if we should separate, and never have been brave enough to do it. He refuses help from a professional. Is loving and feeling for someone enough to keep a marriage going??? He says he is suffering. How about us? His family who is also having to live with this day in day out. Where having a nice family weekend has become a distant memory. Where I sit here on my own while he is at work, having put the kids to bed, crying my eyes out? When is enough is enough? I feel so lost 😞

OP posts:

user1636853246842157 · 18/04/2021 20:40

Is living this way good for your children?

They need to come first. Not him. Not you. Tough as that feels.

When drunk, he can get quite upset and speak in a hurtful way to us.

You do have the power to break this cycle. By leaving the relationship.

Has anyone mentioned Al Anon to you in the past to get support for yourself?

Original poster

MonaRoza · 18/04/2021 20:45

Thank you for taking the time to respond. Yes I have heard of Al Anon and tried to find an online meeting I can join at a time when my husband is not around. Unfortunately I haven’t managed to sort it out

OP posts:

BunniesBunniesBunnies · 18/04/2021 20:47

As someone who has struggled with alcohol myself (now sober) and whose behaviour did affect family life at times, I would say leave this man. If he is unwilling to seek help, nothing will change and there is nothing you can do. You and your children deserve better.

romdowa · 18/04/2021 20:51

You need to put your children first here. I've an alcoholic sibling and even as an adult having to deal with that has had an affect on me. I can't imagine witnessing what I witnessed as a small child in my own home. Save them from this life and leave .

alphabeta6 · 18/04/2021 20:53

Name changed but couldn't read and run.

Similar position here OP. DH is an alcoholic. His triggers are lack of sleep and work stress. He's self employed and I'm SAHM with 2 preschool age DC. DH has periods of sobriety but will relapse and then spend a few days binging. It's awful.

Like you, I want to help him. I believe alcoholism is an addiction, just like someone who is overweight because they can't control what they put in their mouths, or a gambler, or sex addict etc. But another part of me just wants to up and leave. WhenDH is drunk, it's up to me to create a fun day or weekend with my DC and lol after everyone and take care of everyone. There's nothing left for me at the end of the day.

But I haven't been brave enough to leave yet. I just can't do it.

DinosaurDiana · 18/04/2021 20:56

He refuses help. Nothing will change until he admits his problems and seeks help.
Don’t waste your life and your DC’s childhoods on him.

altlife · 18/04/2021 21:03

Nothing will change while you stay. Because he has nothing to change for.

Leave. Get yourself and your kids somewhere safe and let him figure out how to clean up his own mess.

I had to do this some years ago. It worked. It's hard when you love someone and want to know why they won't change for you. But they truth is, they have to change for themselves.

Show him what he has to lose if he doesn't change

Original poster

MonaRoza · 18/04/2021 21:05

@alphabeta6 I am sorry that you are also going through this. Sending you love and strength

OP posts:

Original poster

MonaRoza · 18/04/2021 21:07

@altlife Thank you for sharing your experience. Did he get sober after you left?? Or did it continue as before? He often talks about suicidal thoughts and I fear he may not survive without us

OP posts:

altlife · 18/04/2021 21:15

[quote MonaRoza]@altlife Thank you for sharing your experience. Did he get sober after you left?? Or did it continue as before? He often talks about suicidal thoughts and I fear he may not survive without us[/quote]

It continued for a little while. I left him to it. As hard as it was, I'd had enough and I'd realised there was nothing I could do to make him change, he had to do it for himself.

And eventually he did. It took tough love and some hard months but we got through it. We're still together, going on 25 years now.

He also had suicidal thoughts but I reminded him he has a son to live for and eventually he saw the light.

Be strong. For yourself and your kids. It may just turn out to be the kick up the bum he needs x

altlife · 18/04/2021 21:16

15 years**

Aquamarine1029 · 18/04/2021 21:17

The time to leave was long ago. Don't allow your children to be raised in this environment.

pointythings · 19/04/2021 12:37

I remember you from another thread.

Bottom line is if he won't seek help, you have to help yourself and more importantly your DC. You do that by leaving. Addicts won't act until there are consequences to their addictive behaviour. You can't save him, only he can do that, and he won't. Please don't hesitate any longer, start taking steps to end this marriage. The sooner you do it, the less the damage to your children.

percheron67 · 19/04/2021 12:52

I ought to have left my alcoholic husband when he fell out of the taxi bringing us home and had to be taken to A&E. Foolishly, I did not. He died of drink related cancer about two years later. Life is so much better without him in it.

HollowTalk · 19/04/2021 12:58

What do you want your children's memories of their childhood to be, OP? What kind of relationships do you want them to form when they're adult? You can make sure everything's so much healthier and happier for them if you leave now.

fedup078 · 19/04/2021 14:26

I kicked him out when he thought it acceptable to get drunk while looking after a 1 year old in the morning . Leave for your dc’s sake

Cityzen74 · 20/04/2021 10:32

Am really sorry to hear about your situation. I know it is difficult but if your husband won’t get any help then I think it would be better for you and your children to leave him. I don’t think things will get better on their own am sorry to say. 💐 for you - I feel very sad to think of you crying on your own xx

FrankieDettol · 21/04/2021 00:02

I left when I realised he wouldn't change despite having DC. Best decision I ever made. My DC and I are now in a stable home.

Coffeesnob11 · 28/04/2021 14:57

I left my husband last year. It was hard but he was a violent alcoholic to start with I was too scared to leave. In the end I was too scared to stay. He has supervised contact with our child. I specified he had to take a breathalyser at the start of contact. I would really recommend al anon and al ateen for your child. I know it sounds harsh but you aren't responsible for him. My ex is still drinking (and denying it) but at least I don't have the stress of him on the house any more. My life is peaceful. I wish you the best of luck making the right decision for you.

Tuzz · 21/05/2021 23:02

This is exactly me right now. He drinks, passes out. I do all the rest it is relentless. I have had enough and after 3 evenings of discussing separating with him and him forgetting because he was drunk we talked before his second bottle of wine and he has remembered. I feel such resentment. So much pain. So much sadness that I am not enough, Our kids aren’t enough to to make him stop. I want more than drinking and misery. He has told me I am destroying everything. I am selfish. I am leaving him because of his illness. I feel terrible but want to be happy. Need to be happy. We can be, can’t we?

Internetio · 21/05/2021 23:09

Been there done that. I think you know it’s time. I put it off for too long but the police had to be called and social services were notified... I was backed into a corner but it was the best thing I’ve ever done.

I genuinely thought it would spur my ex into changing when I kicked him out, turns out he thought more of alcohol than his children. He now lives in his parents spare room with liver failure and alcoholic neuropathy.

I on the other hand have amazing kids, a great family life and met someone who does care about us. Life was tough at the start of the journey but I wouldn’t ever suggest staying in that situation.

Sending hugs because it’s really hard when you’re in that chaotic life. Have you tried to get some support? I went to al-anon.

Tuzz · 21/05/2021 23:25

Wow so pleased you are through the worst.
It is heartening to hear.
I have only spoken. To al-anon once but I work full time and he is home - always! and they don’t have a chat feature. How do they help with relationship breakdowns anyway?

Internetio · 22/05/2021 00:35

@Tuzz they don’t help with the relationship breakdown, they help you to recover from the effects of living and loving an alcoholic.

FrankieDettol · 22/05/2021 10:29

@Tuzz I'm afraid I have little truck with the illness card. If he's ill then he needs to get help to get better.
I may sound bitter and lacking empathy but I'm not, I've just seen my ex blame his "illness" for awful treatment of me and our children for years. You aren't selfish to want a better life and to set a better example for your children. Wanting to be away from someone who is drinking themselves to death is not selfish.
I am a good few years down the line from leaving, his drinking still interferes with his relationship or lack of with our kids, my eldest understands, my youngest is yet to figure it out. But what I do know is, I never regret ending things between us. Even our hardest days are so much brighter than any of the days we were together.

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