Help needed with adult child I think may be alcoholic

[WorriedNeedHelp]

Nc for this

I’m worried sick about my child who is early 20’s.

They had some problems with alcohol in their mid teens that I thought and hoped they were on top of.

They now live independently, lockdown meant that they weren’t out at pubs and clubs and drinking. Now as restrictions are easing old habits are resurfacing and I’m really worried.

Cant get them to listen to me they deny there’s a problem.

I’ve had loved ones with alcohol problems to deal with before but I could remove myself from those relationships I can’t when it’s my child

I’m worried about it affecting their work, studies, relationships including ours, and of course most of all their health.

No idea what to do to help them. I don’t want them having to hit rock bottom.

They have certain fantastic opportunities open to them at work etc and I’m afraid they’re going to end up throwing that away.

But mainly just the thought of full blown alcoholics terrifies me.

Feel helpless and lost please can anyone help?

Sorry to hear this . What specifically makes you suspect there's a problem?

They’re telling me they’re back drinking after having been off it for months. But they’re saying they have it under control but then also telling me of falling out with people and other things going wrong, hard to explain but I know them and I know the certain ways they behave are only when they’re drinking

They keep telling me they’re not drinking a lot/often but I’m noticing a pattern of things happening and the way they’re talking to me about it

When sober they’re very shy and very passive but when they’re drinking they become argumentative and aggressive to people and less patient

That sounds difficult. When they stopped/reduced drinking last time, what caused this change? Anything specific?

Being the relative of an alcoholic is one of the most depressing things. My DM has been through something similar with my sibling and it nearly killed her. Unfortunately it did take for them to hit rock bottom and be admitted to hospital to change. Early days but they are currently doing well and there was quite a serious mental illness undiagnosed that now they are medicated has reduced the desire to blot everything out. Could your child have something similar? Local authority drugs and alcohol services were pretty hopeless in our situation but the local mental health unit has been an absolute godsend. The hardest thing to accept is that there is nothing you can do until the person wants to engage. You have to remember the 3 C’s. You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it, and you can’t cure it. There are some good websites with tips on how to talk to people about it, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to get through to someone in the earlier stages before physical dependency kicks in. However the problem is until someone hits rock bottom it’s also much easier to deny they have a problem. I’m sorry. It’s such a horrible situation.

See if there's a local chapter of al-anon you can attend. It's an organization for family members of those with alcohol abuse issues. They're probably meeting on Zoom now. It can be very helpful to connect with others who have been through the same issues before.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

I'm a recovering alcoholic with 27 years of sobriety, and I'm happy to answer any questions I can about what it's like on the other side. One thing that's important to remember is that alcoholism is a progressive disease and it get worse over time.

What stopped them before was mainly lockdown if I’m honest. They don’t feel the need to drink at home it’s mainly if they’re having to be around strangers/meet new people they find this very difficult

I think there are mental health issues at play but they won’t admit to this or get help for this either

@dingleydel if you could point me in direction of those sites that advise how to communicate with them as I’ve no idea that’d be great

I know it’s a progressive illness I’ve seen it before that’s why I’m so terrified. I’ve spoken with al anon tonight they were lovely but all they could say was there’s not really anything I could do

@missconductus thank you can I ask honestly what if anything could have been said to make you at least rethink the path you were going down? If you don’t feel comfortable answering I totally understand

Congratulations on your continuing sobriety 27 years is amazing! Well done to you.

I’ve tried even getting them to just cut back they don’t think it’s a problem at all

@WorriedNeedHelp, I don't mind answering at all. In the denial stage there's not much you can say that will cause him to just stop. What you can say is that you're concerned that it's excessive and that you will support him if he decides to stop and needs help doing so. That may just stick in the back of his brain for later, when or if it becomes obviously unmanageable. One thing that's hard of others to understand is the sense of hopelessness that comes with addiction. When you're in it, it's hard to see that there is really a way out.

Another thing that impedes people from getting help is the sense of shame, as they see addiction as a personal failing or character defect. It's not. It's a medical condition, with clearly understood biochemical mechanisms:

Molecular basis of alcoholism

If you can get the person to see it as a disease requiring medical treatment it lowers to barriers to seeking help. I'm an HCP myself. We don't judge people who seek help for addiction issues, we admire their bravery and want to help them.

27 years is a lot, but honestly, it was pretty easy after the first couple of years. I'm quite fortunate in that I had good medical care with peer support and was already a year sober when I met my DH and then later had children. They never met drinking me, thank goodness. I have two great kids doing brilliantly in uni now and my DH is lovely and and wonderful husband and father. I'm very fortunate that I got sober when I did.

@WorriedNeedHelp....hope you’re still on the thread. I’m a mum of a 20YO drinker. I hesitate to use the work alcoholic for the simple fact that they won’t refer to themselves as one (denial) but they are.
Our issues cropped up on the back of trauma and resulting poor mental
Health 2 years ago. The MH issues are now diagnosed and being treated with DBT therapy and AD’s. As for the alcohol, this goes through a roller coaster of sober periods and relapse. The relapses are shrouded in fibs and rationalising and denial. I’m sick of it. The excuse that is cited is “when my mental health is better, I won’t feel the need to drink”. This is bullshit. Both needed to be acknowledged and treated in tandem. As far as I’m concerned it’s a lame excuse used by a drinker to legitimise continued use of drink. My adult child has had support, sympathy, compassion and love. They’ve had me seeking and obtaining endless resource and support for them. They’ve had the best money can get. Yet still they have the bare face to deny an issue. I’m backing right off now. My own mental health is shit. I cry at a moments notice and I want to runaway from life. I’ve told them I can’t help them any longer. I think only they can help themselves....they know where AA is, they know where Smart recovery is. I’m not fussing any longer they need to hit a Rock bottom and make a bloody choice. The risk is they end their life...and I’m not joking or exaggerating. But even that fear is turned against us so we dared not challenge. I’ve had enough.