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Alcohol support

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Original poster

DD told her class her father is an alcoholic

23 replies

siucra · 26/03/2021 17:15

Today, my DD was being taught about drugs in school. She is 12, in junior school (Ireland). She told the class that her father is an alcoholic. Which he is. But I don't know if this is a good thing or not. There is gossip and the other girls sensing a vulnerability and teasing her... or what? I don't believe in keeping secrets and she has nothing to be ashamed about but I am trying to protect her. Is this okay or how do I mitigate?

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Einszwei · 26/03/2021 17:21

It might have been cathartic for her to tell her classmates. Having an alcoholic family member really takes it till (which you will know well).

I would monitor the situation. Obviously any bullying needs to be addressed related to this issue or not. However, I think you will be surprised that the other children will be pretty accepting.

I think for your DD, she felt the benefit of sharing her worries with her peers would outweigh any negative comments.

expectopelargonium · 26/03/2021 17:23

Was the class teacher present, or did she just tell her classmates? This is probably something the teacher needs to know about.

WiseOwlOne · 26/03/2021 17:24

Change the narrative. Tell her she is honest. She is brave to be honest. She is optimistic and has faith that people wont judge her for her father's problems. She is not colluding in a cover up.
She is not anticipating gossip. she is amazing

Rainallnight · 26/03/2021 17:25

You’ve got to get the school on board ASAP so that they’re aware and can nip any bullying in the bud.

Had you and her dad not talked to her before about handling the issue in public? Is this really a surprise?

WiseOwlOne · 26/03/2021 17:26

Ps my father went to a psychiatric hospital and i colluded in a cover up and l8ved 8n fear of gossip. Mean gossip. I take my hat off to yr dd knowing where her father ends and she begins.

Original poster
siucra · 26/03/2021 17:27

thank you all. You're telling me what i was hoping. she is a very brave person - has been all her life. I just don't want anyone to see her as vulnerable. I am very proud of her and yes, perhaps it is cathartic to tell her truth. I'm the kind of person who has always been (too) emotionally honest and need people to know who I am, am maybe she's similar. I will tell her how amazing she is...

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Original poster
siucra · 26/03/2021 17:29

And yes her teacher was present and said something like 'that must be difficult for you'.
Thank you everyone. I've received so much great advice on the board when I was struggling with living with the fuckwit. But now it's her who has to deal with it. You can't protect them from the truth.

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Original poster
siucra · 26/03/2021 17:31

@Rainallnight no, we didn't discuss it. The man's in total denial of his problem and the utter destruction and chaos he causes. I am handling this on my own.

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HollowTalk · 26/03/2021 17:31

I agree - she's very brave.

It's unlikely she's the only one in the class who's got a parent who's got problems with alcohol. She may well find other people confide in her now.

Original poster
siucra · 26/03/2021 17:33

@WiseOwlOne I am sorry to hear about your experience. And you are right, never fear gossip. Being open is so essential for good mental health. And if my DD is going to get through this then her being honest is great. xx

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GeorgeTheFirst · 26/03/2021 17:34

Much better for her to do this than feel she has to collude in keeping the secret

Theimpossiblegirl · 26/03/2021 17:35

A girl in a class I taught told her classmates her dad was in prison. She was really brave and they were so lovely. I overheard a few girls discussing it in the cloakroom and they were being so nice I nearly cried. If anything they were more understanding with her once they knew the reasons she'd been struggling.

Original poster
siucra · 26/03/2021 17:36

@HollowTalk Yes, she is brave. And maybe it's just best to have this out in the open. He's really let her down recently and she hasn't seen him for six weeks so she's having a hard time.

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Original poster
siucra · 26/03/2021 17:37

@Theimpossiblegirl Children are amazing. So glad to hear your story of kindness and empathy! The future is in good hands.

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AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2021 18:06

What a brave brave girl.

Families of alcoholics often feel they have something to be 'ashamed' about. They don't, it's not their fault. And it's people like your DD who will help others come out of the shadows.

I'm in the US, so not sure if you have it there, but if she needs some extra peer-support you and she might check out AlaTeen.

Paddy1234 · 26/03/2021 18:09

I think your daughter is amazing
It would I am sure been very cathartic to her

2bazookas · 26/03/2021 18:14

Good for her. I doubt she's the only child in her class with an alcoholic parent. Having it out in the open is by far the best armour and defence against gossips and rumours.

HollowTalk · 26/03/2021 20:15

Does he live with you and your daughter?

Original poster
siucra · 26/03/2021 21:08

@HollowTalk no he doesn’t, thankfully. We moved out three and half years ago. It was utter chaos living with him. She is dealing with having such ambivalent feelings for him.

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pointythings · 28/03/2021 15:52

My DDs are also survivors of life with an alcoholic - their father has been dead almost 3 years and they are now 18 and 20.

Telling their friends what they were living with was a lifesaver for them, as was telling the school. We were lucky to have outstanding pastoral support and when both of them asked that their father be removed as an emergency contact in their files, the school just checked in with me and then went and did it - we nominated a family friend instead.

Not keeping something like this hidden gives an enormous amount of strength and power. I found the same thing when I told people at work what I was living with - the support I got was life changing. Your DD has absolutely done the right thing and you are right to support her. And well done getting out, I know how hard it is.

FrankieDettol · 29/03/2021 00:24

OP my daughter is slightly older and dealing with the fallout of having an alcoholic father. I left years ago and he just got worse. Now she is subject to the emotional abuse he used to lay on me. School have been brilliant and counselling helps. I tell her every day how brave she is and how proud of her I am. Nacoa have been helpful if you are looking for online support for her too.

Original poster
siucra · 31/03/2021 21:25

Thank you @pointythings Lots of love to your girls and to you xx

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Original poster
siucra · 31/03/2021 21:26

@FrankieDettol so sorry to hear that about your DD and the emotional abuse. Hope the situation improves for her xxxx

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