How to help DH without enabling or resenting?

[Limosa]

DH's drinking is out of control and I don't know how to help. It's been two years and has only recently dawned on me what's happening because he barely drinks the alcohol I buy, a monthly special bottle of gin- we have a glass on weekend evenings together. I've discovered he's secretly been drinking crazy quantities of home brewed wine. He's changed personality, he's always irritable, is doing badly at work, is depressed, falls asleep early in the evening but in sort of unconscious way where I can't wake him up. I don't know what to do. He gets irritable if I talk to him about it, he doesn't want to stop drinking at all, it's "the only good thing left in his life, what's the point in living without it" so if I stopped drinking 'in support' I'd be doing it on my own, he won't even consider cutting down. Do I just ignore it until he's ready to help himself? Or is that enabling too? I am really worried but don't want to make things worse. He is on antidepressants but I don't think he's told his GP about the drinking.

Hi OP. I’m really sorry you are going through this, it’s really tough. First off, yes, I would stop drinking around him. For one thing, he can see it as an excuse to carry on, and for the other, it may lead to feelings of guilt for you down the line. You have enough on your plate.

How can you help him? You can’t. He may have started drinking because of his depression, but he is now (more than likely) in full addiction territory and the drinking is its own monster, regardless of the depression. Worse, the drinking may very well be negating the effects of the anti-depressants and the drinking itself causes additional depression. He is in a horrible spot.

You are completely powerless here, I’m afraid, and I know it won’t be what you want to hear. This must be horrible for you (I’ve been there too) and your best focus would be on yourself. I recommend getting in touch with Alanon and maybe some counselling for yourself. It’s an excellent way to vent, as well as learn more about enabling and codependency.

Your DH will only stop drinking if he’s ready and many alcoholics never reach that point, I’m afraid. You could phone his GP. They won’t be able to talk about him to you, but they will listen and make a note on his file to raise at his next appointment.

You could phone a rehab clinic or make an appointment with an addiction counsellor. None of it will do any good unless he wants the help.

How are you feeling about the marriage? I stayed in mine far too long before I eventually called time. It was a very good decision and I have no regrets about making it. I do wish I’d done it sooner, though. Be very careful how much of yourself you are willing to give to the slim chance he might get back on track. Some people do it and I have massive respect for that, but you should be really clear that they are very heavily in the minority, sadly.

Lots of luck to you.

Thank you, that's a lot to digest but a really thoughtful post. You're right, I do want to solve this and I can see you're right, I can't, I'm going to have to leave it up to him to get help when he wants to. He's not good at doing that, I do all the organising, seeking help, looking into things, but with this he just cuts me off immediately saying it's not a problem, it's his preferred way to live, he thinks drinking is what makes his life worth living, which is really sad when he's got me and our kids here.

I think I'm still hoping this is a blip that will go away, but I'm starting to realise that's unlikely. I think it's because I've only just discovered the full extent of his drinking, the impact hasn't really sunk in yet. I will stop sharing a drink with him, you're right he does use it as an excuse and always gets far more obviously drunk on those nights-he lets me see he has a glass in his hand, whereas if I'm not drinking he doesn't appear to either. I'm not sure where we are with the marriage, we've gradually drifted apart, but I will have to think about it carefully. I will look into Al-Anon it sounds helpful. Lots to think about.

It’s really tough, but you sound like you’re on your way to seeing things more clearly and that’s a good thing. It’s completely natural to want things to turn out as you expected/hoped they would and I think there’s a bit of a grieving process when you realise that’s not the case.

I know with my ExH, when I realised there was a problem (because who’s looking out for alcoholism in their partner?!), he was probably already a good way down the rabbit hole but it took me quite a while to see/accept that.

Then we tend to hope for the best. It’s human nature, but generally futile. Whether you can live with it in your life is, of course, something you need to work out.

How old are your dc? You might also want to read up on the effects of an alcoholic paren. It’s pretty depressing but you must factor it in to your decisions.

Does he do any childcare? Does he drive the children? If so, you’ll probably need to stop this happening, if he is drinking secretively, it’s impossible to know if he’s over the limit. The likelihood is he is never under thelimit.

Sounds like you’re in for the rollercoaster, but you sound strong and I’m sure you’ll get through it. Really glad you’re considering Alanon. I think they’re all online at the mo, so easy to find a meeting and test the water.

Thankfully he doesn't drive, we live in a big city, otherwise this would be a big worry. And to be honest he doesn't do any childcare either, which is irritating for me, but a good thing too. I will look into Alanon, I think I need something like that for support. Thanks.