Only way is up

[Donkeykongsmum]

I am sat here, tears rolling down my face, i am so ashamed. I have had more day ones than i care to admit. I have read all the books. Did all the podcasts. Nothing seems to work.
I drink all weekend. I dont want to drink. Sunday to thursdsy i dont even think about drink, then friday after work off i go. I have let my family doen so so badly. I work all week and barely see them and when i do have time to spend with them i am half drunk for most of it.
I am so scared its too late. I know people are noticing. I know my husband is worried. I know i am killing myself, risking my family, my job, my life.

Why cant i stop.

So i am not doing anymore day ones. I am just not going to drink. I can easily do the next 5 days without a thought for alcohol, that will at very least get some of the poison out my system and by friday my head will be clearer to tackle being sober over the weekend. I can do this and i will do this but would really appreciate a hand hold from anyone who has been where i am.

Hello. I am similar to you but am drinking every night, a bottle of wine. This morning I am feeling very guilty and feel like crap. I am up for starting with you?

I can hold your hand -

Im where you are.

I'm drinking way too much.
Frightening how much I can drink, I've had an awful, awful few years and was abused by my (ex).
I woke up last week at 2.30am and swigged half a bottle of gin (no one knew) so feigned a migraine all day. (I had no work and my excuse was that 2.30am is still night time so it's not day time drinking.
It was though!!
That was my lowest moment.

After the days of loathing myself and the shame and guilt I've armed myself with as much help as I can get.

I'm facing the underlying cause of my drinking.
I hate myself, so I drink. I'm skint, I drink, I'm not confident, I drink!! Lots of issues to work through.
There is nothing I like about it.
I get sloppy, unpredictable, embarrassed, sad, - I worked out that it's the first half a glass where I feel happy. Then I feel awful and need to keep going.

I have downloaded so many audio books and I'm playing them on a loop.
Alcohol Lied to me is my current fav.

I have no advise, I'm at the very beginning myself.

But the not drinking Sun-Thurs was me - for years, it crept up and now I can happily drink every day, one bottle of wine isn't enough for me, a bottle of vodka that used to let a week isn't enough for the weekend.

I've accepted I use drinking as an unhealthy crutch and it ONLY PAUSES THE ISSUES IN MY LIFE.
They are all still there when I'm sober, but I also then have the hangover to deal with.

I allowed myself yesterday to let all the stupid things I've done (and previously made excuses for) wash over me.
It was absolutely terrifying. I'm lucky I've not hurt myself really badly.

I'm drinking green tea and a glass of tonic water with ice in the evening.

Very early days for me as I say but I'm more determined than I've ever been.

I know I won't be able to drink again so the help I'm seeking is to work out why I'm choosing a depressive poison nearly every day to block out the pain I've experienced rather than to cut down.

I'm embarrassed and ashamed and a little frightened currently.

Sending you lots of positive thoughts.