Well that’s it really. I have a very nice life with no money worries and 2 beautiful children, a (somewhat) satisfying career and a stable, long-term LDR. I’ve worked hard to get here, but always had a less than healthy relationship with alcohol. And other substances in the past, but that’s gone now. The alcohol is a constant though. I can’t go on like this forever, eventually this is going to catch up with me and what then? What about my poor children? Why can’t I put them first? I mean they are loved and cared for and clean and supported, ferried around to swimming and tennis and play dates and tucked into bed with hugs and stories every night, but I have a glass of wine every night while I do their supper and after they are in bed I keep going. Only wine, and I go slow, so I’m never falling over drunk but it’s way too much. Every night I wake in guilt and loathing and fear; every morning I say today is the day, every evening I think well, a glass of wine is ok, it’s normal. Now I’m working from home I don’t even have to pretend to be alert and together in the mornings. I can be a shambles every day, and I’m good enough at my job that I get away with it. I could make loads of excuses, like I’m insecure or unhappy or traumatised (some or all of this may be true) but that doesn’t really matter, what matters is that my problem is getting worse and I don’t know how or who or what I need to turn it around. I’ve reached capacity for tonight, so probably will sleep soon, but if anyone has any thoughts or words of support they may be helpful tomorrow or the next day or the next as I try to change this. My children deserve better.