supporting my mum who lives away and drinks 2 bottles of wine a day

[specialuniqueyarns]

just stuck on how to help, it's hard to phone and catch her sober, when I ring and she's drunk the call is so sad on my part and she doesn't remember what's been said. We used to travel down monthly (200 miles) to visit, she would sit with us for a while then disappear upstairs for hours, coming down later with her makeup smeared across her face and not making sense. Haven't been as often due to lockdown. It sounds so weird but it's how it is. When she visits us it's the same behaviour of disappearing to her bedroom for 3 hours then coming back down for meals with hair all over the place and being incoherent. Trying to talk about support for moods / drinking are met with hostility. What do I do? Embarrassed for her and my family and worried about what could happen when she's out of it on the drink.

How long has this been going on and how old is she? Does she live alone?
Ultimately, she has to realise there is a problem and want to deal with it for any change to take place.

thanks for replying, apart from to my brothers and husband I find this too upsetting to speak about. It has been going on for about 17 years, initially I tried to support with gp and AA involvement but Mum said she just likes drinking and won't stop. My concerns have increased as we lost my Dad last year and also the horribly isolating circumstances of COVID, which means there are less people around to support her.

Has she asked for support?

The short answer is you can’t do anything , unless she wants help to stop drinking you wouldn’t be able to do anything whether you live 2 miles away or 200 miles away .

thanks for replying.
I read that people have to want to stop drinking themselves before they can change, so how do people cope? I've never been able to leave my children on their own with her, can't leave any drink in the fridge as it will disappear (I don't drink now as it's put me right off), have to monitor my words so carefully so that she doesn't misinterpret things and hit the roof. She's my mum and I hate seeing her like this.

You get support for yourself

yes perhaps that's the way forward thankyou, I know we're not the only family living with this.

I feel so sorry for you op, to see someone you love in such a state must be very distressing for you

I’m really not sure what you can do tbh. Your mother is an adult and like others have said, You can’t make her stop.

You need to look after yourself first of all, and be there for your mum if and when she realises she wants to stop drinking. Does she work? Has she any kind of support network around her?
She doesn't sound like a happy drinker, if she's drinking alone. Do you know why she is using alcohol? Is it to blot out something that happened in the past?

thanks for your kind words, I just can't speak about it in real life because it's so distressing. I want to help but nothing I have said or done has ever made any difference, if anything I think it has made her more angry so it became normal not to speak about it. It just seems to be how it is.

Ah, it's so hard OP. My Mum was a secret alcoholic, I had to deal with it from being aged 3-4 (as I remember) and she never really stopped. I'm 36 now. I still remember the dread I felt answering the phone to her 'drunk' voice. Or walking through the door to see if she'd been drinking or not. It's so sad. But yes, I believe they have to want to stop drinking.

Leimarel;
no she is retired now.
She has friends and good neighbours, but only likes to see people on her terms so although they are there they are not terribly close.
She has said she drinks through loneliness but when I try to visit her she drinks and is then absent, she would leave my dad on his own for most of the day as she was upstairs drinking. I just don't know.

you need to have a level of acceptance that is very difficult.
I went through similar with my DB drug addiction. AL ANON may be helpful to you. I learnt about the 3 Cs. You didn't cause it, you cant control it and you cant cure it.
It is very difficult because you want to 'fix' her/cure her. However, the cure/fix is within herself only.

I am a big believer in not enabling addicts and being honest. I would say you dont want to speak to her when she is drunk, dont want her to visit if drinking etc. Its awkward and addicts hate having the elephant in the room addressed directly.
Please look after yourself.

There's a support organisation called Al Anon, for those having to deal with a loved one's alcoholism. Sounds like they could help you.

Crossed posts with @Chosennone there!

yes I will contact Al Anon, I had thought it was just for the person who was using alchohol. Thanks for the advice, I wish I could speak about it in real life but when I try to the words just won't flow.

How sad. Could you put your thoughts into a letter that she could read when she's sober? People who drink like this are usually self-medicating, for some reason. Sobriety is scary. Can you ask her if there is something she's hiding?

I daren't write a letter as she will be angry, sounds silly but I know she will be.
We nursed my dad at home, I asked her to cut down the drink

sorry pressed the wrong button

I was trying to say I asked mum to cut down her drinking as I was moving and handling my dad and she was 'helping,' but she spat at me that it was her house and if I didn't like it I should go. Sorry it's all coming out now.

Thankfully my dad's illness was very short, but I can honestly say it was more traumatic dealing with mum's drinking than caring for my dying dad.
Anyway thanks for the suggestions, mumsnet is always supportive in my experience.

You need support for yourself. Her alcoholism is hurting you and your family and she does not want to stop.

You can't help her, but you can help yourself.

yes I will.

She's obviously very defensive about her drinking and I'm sorry you are having to deal with this. Condolences on the loss of your dad. Was he aware of her drinking?

You sound frightened of her anger and she's angry because you are making her confront the fact she has a problem. As others have said, she won't stop drinking for you, she has to want to do it for herself. Talk to Al Anon, they are very supportive.

yes dad knew about the drinking, he hated it but somehow learnt to live with it.
I will speak with Al Anon, thanks.

I’m so sorry you’re living with this, it’s so hard. As others have said, the only thing you can do is support yourself. Alanon is just for family members and Nacoa is for adult children of alcoholics (and has a helpline). If you can afford it, a counsellor who has plenty of experience of addiction could really help you.

It’s ok (and very normal) to feel so emotional talking about it but it is really important that you do. It’s amazing how much it can help to talk to people who really, deeply understand.