Deciding to stop

[Imtootired]

Hi everyone, I just wanted some advice and input. I’ve always had a bad relationship with alcohol but lately haven’t been drinking much because I’ve got a baby. Last night I went to a friends wedding and got absolutely smashed and let a lot of people down. I feel so guilty and I really hate myself. I don’t know why I couldn’t just stick to three drinks like I planned. If I buy a bottle of wine I will always finish it. I wish I could be a normal drinker and just have two glasses watching tv after I put my kids to bed. This has been a huge wake up call. Something needs to change or I’ll leave my children without a mother one way or another. I joined an aa meeting online today and it was good but it feels so intimidating admitting a problem and that this is the extent it’s got to. I guess it also is upsetting to know that I won’t be able to enjoy a wine at home anymore or have really fun nights out chatting to people and having fun. I understand it’s completely not worth it but it’s difficult. I’ve tried to drink sensibly and it never works and I’ve messed up so badly. If anyone’s been in a similar situation please let me know

Sorry bump

I’m like you. I can’t ever just have one or two glasses, it’s always the whole bottle.

I humiliated myself at a wedding years ago. I still kept drinking. Even when DH asked me to please cut down, please stop- I didn’t. I liked a drink and didn’t want to miss out.

Eventually the drinking increased, that bottle of wine wasn’t enough.

This year it hit me. I was no longer enjoying a drink I was drinking because I couldn’t take it or leave it.

I’m now 94 days alcohol free. I’m learning to accept that I need to become teetotal. I’m really hoping that I can get through Christmas and beyond and imagining how thrilling it will feel to hit one whole year.

No one ever regrets not drinking......... I’ve woken up with regret after drinking far too many times to count.

@Oldhabitsarehardtobreak thanks so much for the reply. Yes it sounds like we’re quite similar. Congratulations on making the decision to stop and sticking to it! And it’s great that you’ve said no one regrets not drinking. I really needed to hear that. Do you go to AA or use any particular methods for keeping on track?

Well done OP for realising you have a problem and seeking help. Please don't feel ashamed, especially at AA! Everyone there understands where you're at.

I say this as a mum who has recently left our child's other mum due to her chronic alcoholism that spiralled out of control. The booze isn't worth it. Well done you for having the ability to look at what's happening and attempt to stop.

Hi @Imtootired - I've been sober a fair while now also through AA.

I can only ever speak from my own experience but something that held me back from doing anything about my drinking was that I wouldn't be able to have any more cosy nights in with a bottle.

The reality was when I really looked back at my own drinking, none of my cosy nights in with a bottle were ever the romanticised idea I'd made in my head. Drink only brought drama and misery for not just myself but others into my life.

Life without alcohol for me has meant that people can trust me, that I have really fuun nights out with my friends and partner, that I don't wake up feeling dreadful, I could go on...

For me AA has and continues to help me to stay sober, it doesn't have the monopoly on sobriety, it's whatever works for you if sobriety is what you want. Wishing you well

Thanks @BritInAus I’m sorry it’s affected you too.
Thanks @buddhasbelly I think I’m similar. I loved having a night at home with some takeaway and a bottle of wine but the truth is I could have as good a time without the wine and no headache the next day. It just all feels so overwhelming but I guess that’s why they have the saying “one day at a time”. I’ve joined two online AA meetings in the past two days and everyone has been really kind and supportive.

I'm 18 months sans booze. My drinking was out of control. Not so much getting smashed (although that did happen sometimes if I went out) but I was drinking a bottle of wine most nights. I didn't enjoy it and the bottle would be gone by 9pm.
I was sick of sleeping dreadfully. I woke regularly at 3am feeling like death and the following day I'd feel sluggish and horrible.
I joined a Facebook group called The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober (not affiliated with the fabulous book) and someone suggested I read Alcohol Lied to Me by Craig Beck.
Reading this book has changed my life beyond recognition. I had my odd pang for booze but mostly it was easy and since then I have been on holidays sober, weddings and regular nights dancing (pre covid anyway). Now I'm at a stage where I just don't want alcohol at all and see it as something that would spoil my evening or weekend not enhance it. I never thought I would get to where I am today. I feel so free! I sleep better, eat better. My anxiety has 95% gone. I've managed to save money and I'm loving this precious life. Give the book a whirl and get some support. It can be done.

Wow @Northernsoullover that’s such a turnaround. I’ll defiantly look that book up.

Op I lurked on here. There is lots of support and lots of tips. I just can’t keep up with who’s who!
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/alcohol_support/3965594-Forever-Free-a-life-without-booze-2020-onwards?msgid=100146409
Like pp I also bought and read this, it has kept me determined to quit.
www.amazon.co.uk/Unexpected-Joy-Being-Sober-alcohol-free/dp/1912023385/ref=sr_1_1?hvlocphy=9045255&hvnetw=g&keywords=the+unexpected+joy+of+being+sober&hvadid=259129824368&qid=1601397680&dchild=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwtsv7BRCmARIsANu-CQcfKbmKnCnaIEFlqBlUTAhEYAs9SR3WWrdfdaAdQgsjFHKRd-m5tQkaAhTmEALw_wcB&hydadcr=18741_1817543&hvdev=c&hvqmt=e&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&hvtargid=kwd-384358160350&adgrpid=53309118676&hvrand=5474991909377659764&sr=8-1

I sleep much better than I have in years, my anxiety is much better and I feel so much happier. I wish I had stopped years ago.

Good luck!

Totally the same could never stop at 1 at least a bottle of wine,more if I had it, not every night but still. I am coming up 70 days sober and don't miss the anxiety, the 3am wake up

My anxiety is almost gone, I don't crave alcohol at all,I do wonder about Christmas but one day at a time. No one ever regrets not drinking. Second Craig Beck and Allen Carr, it's tough but you can do it.

Well done for facing the problem; I know from personal experience that it isn't easy.

I'm nearly 3 years sober and one of my biggest fears was not being able to have fun again. Like a PP mentioned above, I was actually lying to myself about what constitutes fun. I look back on my drinking days, even now sometimes, before I catch myself, with rose-tinted glasses. In reality I had ruined my life and those of my family by the time I stopped. I thought alcohol gave me "Dutch Courage" in social settings, and I was terribly frightened about getting through milestone events (Christmas, weddings etc) without it.

Happy to report that those fears were totally unfounded. Last month I got married and toasted with a flute of sparkling elderflower and thought nothing of it. I never thought I'd get through my wedding without a glass of bubbly, but I did and it was wonderful. I rarely think about alcohol now, other than to try and remind myself what it was like back then- this makes me grateful and careful not to go there again.

I still go to AA meetings,and most of my closest friends are recovering alcoholics, but there are others ways to recover and some good advice has been given on this thread.

Wishing you all the best

There is a good book called The Sober Diaries which is the diary of someone who feels she is drinking too much and her efforts to give up. Quite thought provoking.

Thanks so much everyone. I will keep going to AA and look at the alcohol support threads on here. I just ordered a book the unexpected joy of being sober, which has good reviews. I’m still having a stupid metal battle coming to terms with not drinking on holidays and special occasions but I think that is addiction clouding my mind because there is no way it’s worth what I’m doing to myself and my family. One day at a time. I really think I will have to be someone who doesn’t drink at all. I know that and I will make that my priority

That's the right mindset just think about not drinking today, when I first quit I told myself I would have a drink at Christmas but, the closer we get the more I think I probably won't. It just stopped me thinking about forever, eventually it won't be your in every thought. I still think about the hurt I caused or what my DH had to put up with and this reaffirms my decision to stay sober. No drink is worth going back to the anxiety and self loathing

I can't explain why but I have so much more confidence, my anxiety is gone and I actually like myself, I think it is because I am trust myself now. Before I was always second guessing what I had said, trying to piece evenings together, wondering who I had upset, I don't need to anymore, my conscience is clear. I did still have those worries initially as it took me time to readjust. Keep reading quit lit.

Thanks so much @Rupertpenrysmistress, I might do the same and think that if I really want a drink at Christmas I’ll have a think about it then. Maybe I could try just Christmas and my birthday and if that doesn’t work then try again. Then again if life is really better without what’s the point? It’s so nice to hear you’re feeling so much better and the benefits it’s had for you. Even if I’m just having wine at home on weekend nights I know that it’s not good for me and I don’t feel right at all the next day. Really out of sync and more irritable and my baby is getting so much more mobile I can’t let him get hurt because I’m not with it. I can’t wait for the self loathing to lessen and to put my energy into more positive directions. Sounds like for you the fog has definitely cleared, like they say in AA.

All good advice above. I'm coming up to a year without alcohol, and have had great support from the threads on here.

I started by trying to go for 30 days, using the online (and free) Annie Grace Alcohol Experiment and reading the Allen Carr book. Once the thirty days were up, I was on such a high that I didn't want to go back to day 1. Having said that, I'd had a couple of unsuccessful attempts last summer, but wasn't really in the right headspace at that time. What changed for me was realising that I could not cut down, I had to give up alcohol entirely.

I still use a daily mood tracker app (Daylio, it's free), to count the number of days, but it really is just a number, and I don't think about drinking at all.

My life is just so much better now. I no longer have anxiety, I sleep better, my rosacea has disappeared and I have so much more time and motivation.

Best of luck, you really won't regret it, as you are giving nothing up, you are getting your life back.

Thanks so much @ElsaCragg. All these words of encouragement are so great and I’m really excited about the future. I’m going to a movie tonight where they give you a glass of wine and was having nagging little thoughts about having it, because I could probably manage to stick to that for one night at this point but it would definitely lead me to thinking I could buy a bottle on the weekend or the weekend after that. At this point I’m going to look forward to feeling better and remind myself of how much messed up my life. Congratulations on sticking to your plan and doing so well

@Imtootired, just take it one day at a time. There's plenty of support on here.

I drink elderflower cordial at home now, instead of reaching for the wine. And when I'm out, I have a soda water with lots of ice and lemon, or a mocktail, and I don't feel that I'm missing out.

Having a clear head the next day, and no regrets about the night before is the best feeling!