DH drinking- am i over reacting?

[NameDoesNotCompute]

Ive posted before on a different board on mumsnet but NC for this post.

I just want to find out what others think about my DH drinking habits. Am i over reacting like he keeps saying?

Im on the verge of leaving with the kids and just feel a bit unsure if it is me?

I stopped drinking around 4 years ago, i felt the kids needed someone to be sober constantly in their life as he wouldnt ever take the lead. I suppose i drank more out of habit you know its the weekend/we had friends round/he had opened a bottle of wine etc. I didnt want my kids seeing us drunk. I never saw my parents drunk not that they had the money too. Plus, at 38, want to get fit loose weight and generally have good health.

Anyway, my DH (45) probably drinks the following:

• Mon/Tues/Thurs - three large bottles of peroni or four normal sized cans of stella/carsberg
• Fri/Sat/Sun- 6 cans plus a large glass of wine

In more normal times, i obv dont mind him going out with mates, would never stop him going out but hate him coming home as he will get absolutely a-holed and barely can speak by the time he falls through the door. I end up not sleeping from anxiety over this as in the past hes lost phones/wallets and generally leaves the front door unlocked and has gone to wee in the wardrobe. He doesnt find this embarrassing at all and im making it more than it needs to be. I find him embarrassing when drunk, i feel i dont want him around my friends/family as he will say stuff to belittle me when drunk. Its always a laugh at my expense.

I feel like im a misery, always picking him up on his drinking and i feel like the fun is seeping out of me. I do everything for the kids. He has no patience and will shout or get angry if they do not behave so i intervene.

Yesterday he opened his first beer at 3pm, drank up to 9pm. Then, on his way to bed at 9pm as hes been drinking most of the day, he tried it on. I said no clearly still had to get older one to bed, younger one still awake and refusing to settle in his bed. Plus weve had sex once this year, he just doesnt do it for me anymore and ill be honest, someone drunk lying on top of you when youre sober is not the most sexy scenarios! Then he goes off in a huff saying horrible things- how hes helping me out getting X, what does he get out of this blahdy blah. Wakes up this morning right as rain 🤦🏻‍♀️

Not sure what you mean by large bottles of peroni but it doesn't seem a crazy amount as standard. What's FAR more concerning however is his behaviour. It doesn't matter whether you behave like a dick after one glass of wine or 30, if you are regularly getting so drunk that you so mean/inappropriate things, are incapable of managing normal life etc etc, then yes, he's drinking too much and you have a problem.

I can't imagine ever being with someone who had even ONCE wee'ed in the wardrobe. But multiple times? God, no. I mean ,I like a drink and back in the day have been pretty drunk on occasion but I can honestly say I never came home and decided to skip using the toilet but to wee somewhere else instead. I mean, come on.

Also, if he's drinking all day, I assume he's not helping with the childcare, housework, etc etc etc? And you're not getting much family time?

Frankly it sounds completely joyless to me.

Doesn't sound a lot to me. You have other issues IMO.

That is absolutely an unhealthy amount of alcohol.

He sounds alcohol dependent and a nasty bastard to boot.

Sadly there's nothing you can do to stop him. He's got to want to stop himself.

Doesn't sound a lot to me. You have other issues IMO.

Assuming the amounts OP is describing are per night I.e. 6 cans a night on a Friday , same on Sat and Sun then that absolutely is a lot of alcohol @BillieEilish unless you're used to having a bottle of gin a night in which case it might seem like a little.

@NameDoesNotCompute it sounds like there's more issues in your marriage than just his drinking but it will certainly play a huge part.
He sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

If it's three large Peronis a night (the 620 ml bottles?) that is a lot of alcohol. If it's over three night, then not really a massive amount. Weeing in wardrobes is not on, same for getting so drunk he loses things.

You sound like you don't really want to be with him any longer?

He’s an arse to you, yells at the children, pisses in the wardrobe, loses his wallet and keys and leaves the front door unlocked, you do everything for the children and he doesn't have a problem with any of this.

This isn’t right. It doesn’t really matter how many people might come on here and say “I can drink that much Peroni in a night and it’s fine” - he is not fine, what he’s doing to you and his children is not fine.

Hi OP. Please don’t get too hung up over the amount he’s drinking. Some people might not find that a lot but most would and it is definitely enough for him to have a problem, whether or not that has already progressed to dependence.

Regardless, his drinking is a massive problem for you and I’m not surprised, it sounds miserable. In my experience, there is nothing attractive about a serial drunk/alcoholic and he ought to be looking at himself if he wants to apportion blame for lack of sex life!

It’s really easy for a problem drinker/alcoholic (it doesn’t really matter which) to keep nudging your boundaries until they become quite skewed and you can’t tell whether you’re being unreasonable or not. You are NOT being unreasonable! It’s ok to want a sober (or vast majority of the time sober) partner and father to your children. If anyone’s overreacting, it’s your dh, because he’s not accepting the problem here and trying to push it onto you, which is textbook stuff.

Have you considered looking at Alanon? They may help you get things into perspective. Really good luck.

Six cans of beer plus a large glass of wine is 19 units. I think the OP is saying her husband drinks that amount three nights a week and also drinks beer on other nights too. That is a large amount of alcohol and way, way over what's recommended
To me, the fact that people are saying it's not a lot really illustrates the unhealthy culture around drinking that we have.
The OP is also describing a range of behaviours that her husband has that are linked to his alcohol use and causing her upset and impacting his parenting of the children.
OP you are absolutely not overreacting here and don't let anyone tell you that you are!!

Hi,
Just after some advice about my Husbands drinking, he drinks a lot on weekends and gets very drunk, I'm 7 months pregnant.. When he's drunk he will pick and call me horrible names, tell me I'm horrible c word for not wanting to go out while he sits there drinking with his brother and his wife who also drink a lot.
I have 3 other children who he bad mouths for no reason as there all good as gold. He will never apologise for anything either. Last he got drunk and very angry calling me the c word over and over because I didn't want to make a sunday dinner for his brother his wife and his friend as I haven't felt great lately, and he was screaming so much I just stayed on the sofa and he locked the bedroom door and wouldn't let me get pyjamas just shouted at me to f off.
Should I just leave him in peace when he drinks and not say anything to anger him?

You should leave him, your poor dc witnessing this. Please call al-anon for support for relatives of alcoholics, also women's aid for support realising you are a victim to this verbal abuse. Your midwife should know too.

Start your thread afresh here too, people may not read your message as it's not the OP

No get out it will only get worse it’s not what he drinks it’s how it affects him it’s horrendous the worry if he’s going to come home, his.temper his moods no you see to yourself and the kids.💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

Do you mean that he drinks 9 large Peroni, 18 cans and 3 large glasses of wine a week? If so that’s a huge amount of booze.

These booze threads often go the same way as weight threads and you’ll get a tonne of posters who drink similar amounts come along and say it’s all fine and dandy. Excess drinking and binge drinking are normalised.

There’s a degree of ‘penis-portion’ judgement that goes on as well, when it comes to a woman asking about her husband’s drinking. He’s drinking about 8 units x 3 nights and about 14 units x 3 nights. That’s nearly 70 units a week. If a woman came on here and said she drank 8-9 bottles of wine a week she would (rightly) be told she was in dependent drinking territory. But because it’s beer, or because it’s a man, people give it a pass. That’s a huge amount of booze.