What would you do

[whoknows2]

My mum is a functioning alcoholic - she has a quite high level job in sales. The drinking got worse after the death of my Step Dad. It can’t be discussed - would result in aggression and denial. Our relationship has suffered a lot due to behaviour caused by it, although she seems oblivious to that.

She announced a month ago that she is quitting as wants to make healthier choices and it was 'becoming a bad habit'. Thought this was fantastic and told her so.

However I now believe the reason for this is a health scare. She has suddenly got very bad jaundice of the skin and eyes. Her tummy is swollen also and she has red patches on her hands. Other family members, specifically my brothers, have chosen to ignore it so not to rock the boat as she seems to be in a good place just now.

Do I continue to ignore this very obvious symptom, respect her decision as an adult not to discuss it and hope that she is receiving treatment OR state the obvious and offer support. I’m worried that I don’t know how serious the health issues are or if she has even spoken to her GP. It must have been noticed at her work.

But at the same time, I'm so sick of being the adult in our relationship as terrible as that is to say.

Hi OP. I’m really sorry you’re going through this, it sounds very tough. Alcoholics are brilliant at denial and part of that is making it incredibly uncomfortable for anyone around them to raise the issue. By not talking about it, you are colliding in her denial. I don’t say that as an accusation, it is totally understandable and most of us who have lived with alcoholics recognise it all too well. Have you had any support for you and your brothers? If not, maybe consider giving Alanon or Nacoa (for children/adult children of alcoholics) a look.

I think the term “high functioning alcoholic” is so so misleading. I have read suggestions that is should be re-termed “low visibility alcoholic” and I totally agree. Although your mum has so far managed to hold down a good job, she is nowhere near functioning. she Is completely dysfunctional. She is driving a huge wedge between her and her children, setting you all up for some really difficult emotional turmoil and has now damaged her body severely. How long will she be able to hold down that job if she has serious liver disease?

I’m not surprised you’re sick of being the adult in the situation. However, it sounds as though the jaundice has really given her a shock and you may have an opportunity here to get through to her. Only maybe. She may not want to listen and maybe you’ve had enough of trying.

If you are willing, i’d say it’s worth being well-prepared first. Maybe see if her or your gp can talk you through (in theory) what would be recommended for her in terms of tests etc if she were to see the gp. If she has a good job, she probably has the means to pay for help (that’s good!) and possibly even private medical insurance. I recommend finding a specialist alcohol addiction therapist/counsellor in her area and phone to speak to them, maybe even book an appointment before you talk to her.

The more prepared you are the harder it is for her to fight against what you’re saying. Expect the angry denial but stay calm and repeat your points. There may be a part of her that would be relieved to be pushed to the help.

If she point blank refuses, contact Alanon and/or Nacoa or, even better, go and use the therapy appointment for yourself! Ultimately, you have no control whatsoever over this and it is not your fault.

Really good luck.