Cousins alcoholism a challenge

[BetterEatCheese]

Hi all. Just wondering how to help my Nan deal with my cousin and his alcoholism. She gets multiple updates from his girlfriend and my uncle about what he's been doing, his job, finances, health etc and it's really hard on her. I want to try and help her deal with it but I don't know how.

My cousin is very much at a low point at the moment and she's the only one who will speak to him about it. I'm not close to him so don't feel like I can help him, he is in a spiral, it's my Nan I'm worried about.

What can I do or say to help her?

Encourage her to go to a support group for relatives of alcoholics. At the moment, particularly if this hasn't been going on too long, everyone will want to try and be the one to say something to bring him round/ save him. In reality anyone who tries is feeding into the drama and giving it a reason to continue . Your cousin won't get better until he decides he wants to. Sadly the best thing any of you can do is nothing

Yes I agree about us not being able to do anything, but I think she feels she can. When he is up she is convinced this is it, he's staying sober, and she is always surprised when he is drunk again the next week.

This is a long term situation, 10 years at least, lived with my mum for a bit which caused a huge rift as he wrecked her house, his dad has had enough too. My poor Nan has eternal hope, which is lovely, but him phoning her all the time while drunk is really affecting her health.

She definitely won't go to a support group, not her thing at all, but may listen to me

Hi. You sound like you realise there is nothing you or your gm can do for your cousin. if your gm won’t consider Alanon or other support, but might listen to you, I would think the only thing you could try would be to read up on alcoholism and particularly on enabling and co-dependent behaviour and how to avoid it. That way, you might be able to help her to understand the pitfalls of trying to support an alcoholic.

Then maybe she'll need to try and do something before she gets to where you are OP. I have a close male relative with this issue though many in the family are closer to him and I still needed to give it a try before I could accept they were right and nothing could be done to help him. If this is the case just do what you can to support her and manage her helplessness. The meetings for relatives really help

Thank you everyone. He is apparently a complete mess today and his gf wanted to send my Nan a video of it. She can't receive videos thank goodness and has now turned her phone off.

I will definitely read up on it so I know how to approach it with her

Can you contact the girlfriend and tell her to stop contacting your grandmother? It’s a really nasty thing to do.

Well, no one can stop him drinking if he doesn't want to. And he doesn't want to. It's up to your Nan if she wants to engage with his alcoholic shit show. He and his girlfriend sound very attention seeking. Your Nan should block his girlfriend (and him too but she probably wouldn't be happy to do that).

@TheProvincialLady I've asked my mum to but she is also worried about her - I didn't realise the gf has zero family. I asked my mum to still ask her nicely not to tell my Nan too much unnecessary detail. My Nan was told today that he has messed himself repeatedly. It's just stuff she doesn't need to know

@MrsBobDylan she is getting there. She is slowly moving from worrying so much she can't sleep and believing him when he says he's stopped etc etc to having hope but starting to see the reality of it. She won't stop engaging completely but I'm hoping she can have some boundaries for herself. I think turning her phone off today is good but I imagine she's sitting there worrying that he is desperate and can't get through to her.

They are very attention seeking

It sounds like the girlfriend enjoys the drama. It really isn’t your mum’s problem that she has zero family and it shouldn’t be your grandma‘a problem either.

You must be worried. Can you block the girlfriend on your grandma’s phone?

I am going to try and get her number and call her myself. Definitely likes the drama. I can't imagine what she thought it would achieve by sending my Nan a video of my cousin shitting himself

Oh god, that’s awful. Can’t believe she would send that to your gm. Sounds like the girlfriend is in full on codependent mode but also enjoying the drama. Not a good combination! Talking to her sounds like a good plan. If you could persuade her to go to Alanon, maybe it might help calm her down a bit.

That's a good idea, I'll find out some more about it so I know what I'm talking about

I am extremely sorry for your loss of your cousin to alcoholism. I hope that the alcohol doesn't kill him. I can be a sugar daddy for him if you need.

Hi all. Thank you so much for your previous support. So now, things have changed slightly. He is staying with my Nan. To say I am worried is an understatement