Friend drinking secretly, what to do?

[Quillink]

I have a longstanding friend who has been teetotal for the whole time that I've known her. She said that she doesn't like the taste and it's never been a big deal.

In the last six months another friend and I have noticed that she is often drunk towards the end of an evening. She doesn't order drinks when we're out and still refuses alcohol if offered. But she finds an excuse to disappear briefly and is drunk shortly afterwards.

I have no idea how or whether to say something. Does anyone have experience or advice? It's the secrecy that's concerning.

When she disappears does she take her bag with her or something?
I think if she was a really good friend I would have to talk to her and say how worried I was. The secrecy is very concerning. I would be wondering if she was previously sober, after being an alcoholic, and had some some difficulty which has caused her to relapse.

I’m just reading the unexpected joy of being sober and Catherine Gray describes the lengths she went to to hide how much she was drinking from her friends/partner by sneaking extra drinks in the bathroom & the garage. Your friend being unable to say ‘I think I will have a drink tonight’ but appearing drunk after disappearing rings alarm bells. Does she have a partner you can voice concerns to?

She does take her bag. I'm also beginning to wonder whether she has been sober rather than teetotal for most of the time that I've known her.

Like you say, it's definitely the secrecy that's concerning.

She has a partner. I know him well but don't know how she'd feel about me approaching him first. It's good to hear that this behaviour is objectively worrying. Thank you. I'm going to try and find the right words and ask if she is OK.

So I’m assuming you think she’s an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon?

I think I’d ask her, but as she never said she was an alcoholic in the first place, it could be difficult.

Does she live with her partner? If so he will know.

This is very difficult OP. I have a friend who is the same as this, and I’m completely lost as to how to address it, so will be following with interest.

Oh that’s tricky. It certainly sounds like she is alcoholic and definitely a familiar tactic of the secret drinker.

Firstly, no matter what you try to do to help, please know that none of it will work unless your friend really wants to get sober. I think that’s a really important starting point. I know it’s a bit depressing but you must protect yourself from being sucked into something that will drag you down and could, ultimately, be completely futile.

That said, if you know your friend’s partner, could you talk to him first? Presumably, he would either be able to confirm if there is a past history of alcoholism/recovery, or confirm he is also worried this is a new/recent thing. You may find he’s really struggling with this and would be really grateful you have noticed. It can be extremely lonely being the partner of an alcoholic (and a secret one to boot).

Could you talk to your friend directly? If so, the advice is generally to do this when she’s sober, try to be empathetic, kind and patient but be prepared that you may get an angry and defensive response. This is normal and is the denial talking. If she does happen to be receptive, you could be ready and armed with some understanding of what AA can offer, local meeting info etc and maybe an offer to go along with her, if you are prepared to.

It’s really not easy. Don’t be too discouraged if you get nowhere with it. Unfortunately, that’s all too common.
Good luck!

Thank you Vapours, that's really helpful advice.

I'll try to find a good moment to ask if she's OK and then maybe speak to her partner too.

She’d have to be hiding quite a lot in her bag to get drunk surely??

@Randomfires

She’d have to be hiding quite a lot in her bag to get drunk surely??

I’ve smuggled booze into festivals, gigs etc (classy) and can assure you I can smuggle in quite a lot in a very small bag.

I think that speaking to her husband is a huge betrayal of trust. Either speak to her or don't but if you spoke to my husband (which would be hard as I don't have one) in this situation and I found out I would never forgive you and you would very definitely be an ex friend.

Just another thought - is she on any kind of medication that could interact badly with alcohol, or mimic the effect of being drunk?

This is very common indeed among alcoholics. Generally a half bottle of vodka is emptied into a plastic bottle that previously contained water, stashed in a handbag and swigged in the toilets. And going from a period of sobriety to a relapse would mean that tolerance is greatly reduced as well.

How to approach it though is very difficult because she will feel exposed and cornered, deny emphatically and lie. I have done it myself too many times. And you are in such denial that you really believe that it goes unnoticed. Unfortunately, as with all drinking threads, she's got to want to stop.

Thank you everyone. I hadn't considered the medication possibility. But she does smell of alcohol so I think has been drinking.

Lobsterquadrille it's helpful to hear your experience. Would you advise me to say say something or not? If she can't hear it, I wonder whether protecting the friendship and waiting until she reaches bottom would be better.

Maybe this depends on how strong your friendship is and whether you feel it will weather an angry/defensive response from your friend. I’m sure you will find the best words and even if it damages your friendship and she doesn’t accept the problem/help now, your intervention might be part of the process that eventually leads her to getting sober.

Also, I think it might depend on what other support you think she might have round her. If you think her partner is likely to already be aware and the type to be trying to help her, I personally wouldn’t worry too much about upsetting her by talking to him, since I can imagine a scenario where this could be the best way to help her. You’ll have to be the judge of that as you know them both. There is a school of thought that it is possible to raise someone’s rock bottom. Sometimes people aren’t yet at a point to pro-actively reach out for help themselves but (even if it comes with an initially angry reaction) might be inwardly relieved that those around them are pushing them towards help. The more different sources of pressure, the harder it is for your friend to keep up the wall of denial.

Doing nothing is definitely an option but that is probably going to be quite hard for you too if you are worried about her.

You’re in a tough position and I doubt there are any right or wrong answers but you sound like you are being a really good friend to her. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision. I have heard a phrase that I think has comes out of recovery - something like: if in doubt, do the next best/right thing.

@Quillink hmmm .... I've been sober for many years now and the people I talk to in the same way are in AA so actively want to stop drinking. I would test out the waters to see if it's a subject that can be raised - don't make it about her and her drinking, make it about someone else and express sympathy and understanding, not shock or worry. See what her reaction is. Secret drinking takes up an awful lot of time, energy and worry - there are instances during this when it would be sheer relief to be able to unburden yourself onto someone who will listen without criticising. On the other hand, there might be a brick wall and then you would know that she's not accepting that there's an issue or prepared to discuss it. I really wouldn't speak to her partner, either. Alcoholics (if she is one) are notoriously secretive and guarded and genuinely think that they can manipulate and lie their way out of any situation and absolutely hate being cornered. I make them sound so attractive!! You can be all that and still be a very lovely person.

Due to my own experience, I wish someone had have it to me. Having a think about what would be the best way to approach is if your out together sober use a statement rather than a question. You can very queitly say 'i know your drinking secretly'. That would have had a massive impact on me and I would have been speechless and ashamed and definitely would have got to me. If there is a silence then just change the subject