Unreasonable and unkind response from DH

[Lotty32]

Sober 117 days today (longest ever) and hope this is it for me (few relapses in the past)

Told the teenage kids something important yesterday that I shouldn't have - in good faith - but totally my mistake.

DH reacted in a really verbally aggressive way - can't tell me anything in the future - stupid etc etc - "and I stood by you last year when 80% husbands leave their wives".

Made me very sad that he could not have spoken to me normally and rationally and that he threw the alcoholism back in my face. Is this normal (what is normal!)

He is a good husband and an excellent father but found this response very hurtful. Advice please x

Hi Lotty32. Amazing achievement on your abstinence, you must be really proud.

If it helps, I was married to an alcoholic and so can see this a bit from your husband’s POV. It is really tough dealing with an alcoholic partner and they don’t call this the family disease for nothing, so this will have affected him deeply (as it will you too). if, as you say, you have had relapses after attempting sobriety in the past, your recent abstinence will Probably still feel pretty precarious to him. Is he getting any help? Alanon or a counsellor would give him a good outlet to vent, which is important.

Are you getting help from AA or anyone? Working the steps (or something similar) would probably really help both of you. It might not be fair for him to throw this back at you but it also wouldn’t be fair for him to feel it was a no go topic.

I think you really need to consider how disastrously your alcoholism affected every aspect of your husband's life, and you telling your children something you shouldn't has made him feel betrayed when he's supported you. I think I would cut him some slack.

Is it true? Was your behaviour such that he would have been justified in leaving?

I am 6 years in recovery with AA and as PP says the disease affects those closest to us really hard so they are also 'in recovery' with us.

Often truths will hurt the most. It's OK for people to be angry with us when we make mistakes.

There's probably lots of unresolved resentment in your relationship from your drinking days so I second the advice to get some support for yourself from AA and your husband from Al Anon

He's more than likely been to absolute hell and back with your drinking so if he occasionally breaks and has a snap at you, well it's pretty understandable. Not nice, maybe not completely fair, but very understandable. It will have had a massive impact on him and will do so for a long time even if you stay sober.

Loads of partners DO leave alcoholics to keep their own sanity, protect their kids or to stop being an enabler, so he's right in that regard.

You'll both need a lot of help to get through this.

Thx to all your very sensible advice. Think I secretly wanted a "poor you" response but I know your answers are the right ones!

He would have been justified in leaving when I was drinking and has been super supportive.

I also know he's super stressed with work.

Getting lots of support from AA. He doesn't "do" counselling.

Thank you for being the voice of reason and sanity.

Do you have a sponsor yet? This would have been a great thing to talk to them about. You were lucky to get good answers but they could easily have missed the mark!