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Alcohol support

My husband drinks constantly

6 replies

Youonlyliveonce20 · 30/06/2020 00:35

My husband drinks daily and I can’t stand it.The kids all hate it also and we have mentioned it to him but he doesn’t stop.

He buys 3 large bottles of beer a night which I think is the equivalent of 4 to 41/2 pints and then sneaks out in the car way over the limit and buys another 3 large bottles.

He does this daily and I’ve told him constantly about drink driving and he always promises he won’t do it again and he’s sorry but he always does.

I hide the keys and he gets nasty and calls me names in front of the children.I have suggested he gets help for alcohol but he says he’s in control and he’s not got a drink problem and pretty much laughs it off.I get nowhere when I try to talk to him and the kids telling him they don’t like him drinking has also changed nothing.

He goes to work daily but as soon as he’s in he’s on the beer.Theres no nice chat and family meal it’s always us chasing him for a chat to which most of the time he’s drunk and slurs his words.

I feel like I have an extra child and I can’t relax and as a result I’ve stopped occasionally drinking as I feel the children need a parent who is responsible.

I try and tell myself it’s me and I’m overreacting but I don’t think I am.

Last week I went to work in the eve and when I got home he was drunk even after promising he wouldn’t.I found out he had the 3 large bottles and then went in the car for 3 more and took our daughter in the car.I was fuming but when approached he laughs it off as nothing.

He skips out showers too for a few days and doesn’t take pride in clothes.

I haven’t told any friends or family I feel too embarrassed and ashamed but I don’t know what to do.

I have nowhere to turn for advice and help but I can’t carry on like this.

Has anyone been in a similar situation as me and what did you do please.
Thanks 😊

OP posts:
AFitOfTheVapours · 30/06/2020 08:16

Hi OP. Your story sounds depressingly familiar to me and I’m not surprised you’ve had enough.

First off, the drink driving. You need to report him and let go of any lingering doubt that it is somehow disloyal. It is not your fault he does it, but you will pay with guilt for the rest of your life if he causes an accident. Pass that on now to the police who are the only people that can stop this. Report it as a general problem to crime stoppers (you can do this -anonymously if you wish- on their website) and also call the police every time he goes out after drinking. You will find a weight lifting off your shoulders.

How are your boundaries around his drinking and the children? It’s easy for the alcoholic to wear you down and for these to get pushed or broken. You need to ban him from driving the children ever. Try to send him an email so you have proof you have done this. How old are the children? He shouldn’t be left in charge of them, particularly if they are young. I know that can cause childcare problems but he is not safe to look after them.

His anger and laughing off the problem sound really tough on you. It is really common, though and is all about his denial. Hold on tight to your self-belief and trust your instincts.

Unfortunately, there is not a thing you can say or do that will change him. In fact, his drinking will get worse over time and alcoholics only stop if they decide to for themselves. That often never happens.

You can, however, do lots to help yourself and your children. Have you heard of Nacoa? They provide lots of support to children of alcoholics and will be able to give you lots of info on how this is likely to affect your children now and in the future. The horrible truth is that what they are seeing is affecting them.

For you, Alanon might be a good port of call. It is the sister org to Alcoholics Anonymous and they provide support to the families. They advocate the 3 C’s: you didn’t Cause this, you can’t Control this, you can’t Cure this. Maybe also consider counselling?

What do you want to do? You don’t say you are thinking of leaving but I get the impression you are at that point? I am a few months down the line from leaving my alcoholic h. It is tough, but much easier than living with him.

Do open up and tell someone you trust. Don’t let him drag you down with him. You will probably feel really relieved to share it.

Really good luck to you!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/06/2020 08:18

I'd firstly report his drink driving to the police. Handily you know when he is out in the car drunk.

Then I'd make steps to separate.

Geppili · 30/06/2020 08:24

Hi Op I grew up with an alcoholic stepfather drink driving all the time. My mother was an enabler. Three days after my mother died he was arrested for drunk driving. Banned for 18 months fine points etc. Four years on and he is still drink driving. If he gets caught again he will go to prison. Free your children and yourself from him.

Bottomplasters · 30/06/2020 08:29

Report him and leave

SallyWD · 30/06/2020 08:36

I lived with an alcoholic for 9 years. I tried everything to help him. I arranged doctors appointments (the doctor told him he'd be dead in a few years), counselling, I was kind, supportive and loving, I was angry with him, I was emotional and told him how I couldn't cope anymore. NOTHING worked. There was nothing I could do - just as there's nothing you can do. It's all him. You have no control over this. The only thing you can do to help yourself is go to an alcohol support group. I expect they're doing them online at the moment. The time I spent with my ex was the most miserable and frightening time of my life. I felt sick with anxiety the whole time. Some days I'd find him past out on the floor. I didn't have children then but it's heartbreaking to think of them growing up in this situation. Even if they seem OK it will have a terrible effect on them. I realised that by staying with my ex I was enabling him to carry on drinking. There were no repurcussions for him. I was terrified to leave him because I thought he'd drink himself to death and I'd have to live with the guilt for the rest of my life. The fact is he was already drinking himself to death with me there. If I was you I'd probably live somewhere else temporarily with the children and tell him you won't be returning until he's stopped drinking. Tell him how serious it is and that you don't want your children growing up with an alcoholic parent. Of course he should move out but will probably refuse. I really feel for you. It's an awful situation to be in. I didn't get my life or my mental health back until I split up with my ex.

VeggieSausageRoll · 30/06/2020 08:39

Drink driving - report. Every single time. Could you live with knowing he's drink driving and he kills an innocent person? Heaven forbid it's one of your own kids who he has taken in the car with him.

Next, and I say this as the child of an alcoholic and still living with the effects, you need to get him out the house. Whether that's permanently separating because the relationship has broken down and is irretrievable, or a temporary arrangement whilst he wakes up and gets sorted, or somewhere in between.

It's not going to be easy, but at the moment it's not just himself he's harming, it's everyone, and your children need you to protect them.

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