Husband secret drinking

[nodtik]

Help me please as I don't know what I can do or who to talk to.

My husband is a secret drinker. On numerous occasions I have found out that he has bought alcohol without my knowledge and I have found the empty bottles.

He's just done it again tonight and I don't know what to do. I have confronted him and he has driven off - location settings off, so I don't know where.

He always promises not to do it - yet he does it again.

I have never kept count, but I don't know what I can or should do.

We have been married for 18 months. Second marriages. He moved into my house. The mortgage is still only in my name. I have threatened him with divorce if he does it again.

However, I don't know how to deal with it?

I do love him and he is brilliant and hard working and great fun.

But I am struggling with the deceit and worried about his health too.

Any ideas advice welcome - or just someone to chat to.

I have two teenage boys who also live with us xx

Don't accept his bad behaviour as your lifestyle.

You need to get rid of him.

I am ashamed that I am in this situation - I am a professional woman and i am normally so strong - but this has really hit me hard again

Honestly I have my own bag of things to be ashamed of. No judgement here. The sooner you deal with this the sooner you'll be over it.

Hi OP
I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s really tough. I am also a professional and it happened to me too and more other people than you can imagine. Your strength will mean you get through this.

I’m going to be blunt but you will know deep down that the only reason he makes his drinking secret and hides his bottles it that he has a big problem and knows it, even if he can’t admit to it. In other words, he is most probably addicted.

Sometimes it can take a while to realise this. With the benefit of hindsight, can you see that the problem’s been there for a while, possibly even since you met him?

Unfortunately, no matter how much you want to change this and help him, the hard reality is that there is really nothing you can do. He will not change unless and until he is ready to.

What are you feeling you want to do? You mention the house being in your name and how long you’ve been married and so I’m guessing ending the marriage might be on your mind?

One thing you can do is get some help for you. You could contact Alanon. They provide lots of support and will remind you: you didn’t Cause this, you can’t Control this and you can’t Cure this. If you have the means, I’d highly recommend finding a counsellor who specialises in addiction and do some venting.

I recently ended my marriage to a highly secretive “Functioning” alcoholic. If you want to ask more, ask away.

@AFitOfTheVapours

Thank you for your advice and reply.

A lot of what you've said makes a lot of sense.

Especially the bit about I can't control it and the fact that he hides it means he knows he has a problem.

At the moment, I don't know what to do.

I have threatened his with ending the marriage if he does it again - so I guess if I'm true to my word, this should be it.

I will read your previous posts about your story - I never thought at 49 years old, I'd be in this situation. But I am an I guess I need to put my big girl pants on and consider my next steps.

I don't have to make any hasty decisions, I know that, but I do know that I need to my mind straight and plan my next move.

I deserve peace of mind and not to have to feel anxious all of the time xx

@AFitOfTheVapours

Please can you let me know, what was it that made you finally decide to end your marriage?

What was the straw that 'broke the camel's back' so to speak?

Xx

You have probably said this to him, but what about AA?

I had a, different problem but the straw that broke my marriage was another futile communication. I couldn't stand it anymore.

You definitely deserve peace of mind. It is totally exhausting trying to piece together what is going on with a secret drinker. I ended up spending a lot of time second guessing myself and wondering if I was making a mountain out of a molehill. Deep down I knew I wasn’t (nobody hides bottles unless they have a big problem) but it is very hard to keep your head when your h is denying, telling you he’s in control and that he’s giving up (again).

My best advice is to assume that this isn’t going to get better. In fact, alcoholism only ever gets worse, unless the alcoholic decides to get help. You can’t get him to that point. Nothing you do or say will make any difference.

If you have already made the threats and he has already failed (or tried and failed) to get things on track, he’s given you a really clear indication of where he’s at and it doesn’t involve getting help.

I found the big trouble with a secret drinker was that the more I confronted, the more he ramped you the secrecy. The trust just leached away and then how can you have any sort of relationship? The lies and deceit just erode everything.

If it helps, I issued a very real and final ultimatum to get help (I had a rehab bed on stand by for him) or get out. He chose alcohol and left there and then. AA helps lots of people but I think only if that person desperately wants to get well. Finding a local addiction counsellor could really help you. It has been really hard but I very glad I am out of the madness (and my children too).

Whatever you decide, please don’t get dragged into a long term game of misery. I totally understand not wanting to be in this position, not wanting it to be happening. It takes a lot of getting your head around but living with an alcoholic long term will chew you up from the inside.

Tough times, but you will get through it.

If he's driven off drunk I would call the police before he causes an accident. Sorry that you are in this situation.

There were a lot of straws and a very crippled camel by the end!!! Something in me just found the resolve. I had frog marched him to help and he still refused to take it and I realised it was all futile (as everyone who’s been in this position will tell you it is). I should have ended it a long time before.

@AFitOfTheVapours I really cannot thank you enough for your kind words and support.

I think I am feeling that resolve, so much so I have logged onto the divorce site with the government and created an account.

I know that if I start it, I have 6 months to complete it. I have written down the concerns and seeing them in black and white, has helped me crystallise my thoughts.

I will talk to him in the morning - he's currently in the spare room.

I don't want to act hastily - but I need to do something constructive.

Thank you so much and is it wrong that I laughed a bit at the 'crippled camel' comment?

🤗 xx

No! There’s always something to laugh at😆. Glad you’re feeling the resolve, sounds like you’re shifting you’re mind, which can only be a good thing. The worst thing you can do is just let things carry on in secrecy and denial. Making that hard for him is actually the best thing you can do for him, as well as you.
Good luck with the talk. All I got back was a lot of anger, but I think that’s quite normal.

How did you get on @nodtik?