Not long left

[Ademaybe]

It out of sheer desperation and frustration that I'm writing this post because I don't know what else to do.

My husband ( though we are separated) is an alcoholic. Looking back, over the 20 plus years we were married, he always was.
I asked him to leave nearly 2 years ago because I couldn't watch him destroy himself anymore. I couldn't cope with the mood swings, lies and the non existent trust.

We have 2 grown up children, who were eager for us to split because they also couldn't cope with what drink was doing to their father and our lives.

Since he left, I have been in contact with him, mainly because I still love the man. I lived in hope that he would change once he saw what he had lost, ie, his kids and wife but it's just made it worse.

He is now consuming around 350 units of drink a week. I've tried to micro manage him, he's handed over his bank card to me to stop him buying drink, only to take his card when my back is turned to buy more drink then lie about it. I've tried to get help from organisations like the crisis team, recovery group, MIND....the police, the doctors etc etc. I've even tried to get him sectioned when he's wanted to hang himself but he was just dumped in A&E by the police for 10 hours.
My biggest wake up call was when my doctor told me to prepare for the worst as he will die from drinking and probably soon.
Just typing that out kills me.

I'm now on day 5 of no contact with my husband because, what's the point? He's so addicted, I can't watch. He's lost his job, given up on life, refuses to go out, apart from to get drink from the local shop, he's confused, angry, abusive towards me. I'm told constantly he has to want to recover himself, but when someone is that addicted how can they help themselves?

I guess my problem is, how the hell am I to stand back and watch this man die the slowest death ? The pain this is causing me is just unbelievable. As a human, it's my instinct to reach out to anyone in so much pain and try and help so this is going against the grain big time.

Is there nothing I can do? How do people get referred to rehabs? Am I making it worse by just cutting myself off from him now? He will die soon if this carries on much longer and I'm not sure I can cope with the knowledge that I chose to walk away when he needed me most.

I'm so sorry. I don't know what to suggest. Does he have any family who could stage an intervention? Would that even work? I'm just thinking a third party might get through to him? It sounds like has some real issues and you shouldn't have to take responsibility for them.

Please don't feel guilty. He has to face up to it and the choices he makes.

The guilt I'm feeling is unbearable. I'm going over and over my marriage asking myself if I did this, if I'm responsible. I know I didn't , he had issues before we met but it doesn't really make me feel any better.

His family have no clue how serious this is now. They see me as the evil ex as that's how he's portrayed me when he's drunk. I was the horrible for asking him to go, I'm the horrible one who's put him in this position...... so no, his family are no help at all.

You haven't done this, it's all him.

If you are worried for his welfare I would let his family know and leave them to it.

I’m so sorry, there is nothing you can do.
NC will get easier.

I'm so sorry OP. I work with people with addictions and unfortunately whilst there is lots and lots of help and support if people have a desire to change much of the issue is that nobody can be with them all day every day. It's got to be something they want to do, as you've already seen if someone doesn't really want to stop they will find ways. Nothing you have or haven't done has caused or influenced this OP. None of it is your fault. Please seek support for yourself too, this kind of situation is incredibly hard on families you don't have to go through this alone.

It's certainly not your fault, please don't think that. Unfortunately it's true, you can't help and addict and they can't be forced to stop, they have to want to stop themselves

Must be a horrible situation to be in OP. My DP has been an alcoholic for 9 years since he was 21, he rarely drinks now but I'm worried about the future.

Sending you lots of love

Hi OP I say this as someone who has been sober for a few years and attended many AA meetings so listened to the stories of probably hundreds of alcoholics:

There is nothing you can do. Nothing.

It’s awful and distressing but there is really nothing to be done. You ask how he can help himself when he is so addicted. Many alcoholics would go to any lengths to get alcohol - he is capable and willing of ensuring he has funds for alcohol, getting out of the house to buy it and returning home. If he is capable of that then he is physically capable of accessing help. The only difference is that he doesn’t want to access help. And if he doesn’t want to stop drinking he won’t choose that route even if you serve it up to him with no effort on his part.

Have you contacted Al-Anon? They might be a great support to you at this time.

Thanks everyone for your words.

I went to Al-anon and it was one of the most depressing hours ever! Lots of people crying about their loved ones, lots of very awkward silences. It didn't help at all on that occasion but I'll possibly try again at some point.

The no contact bit is the hardest. I know that when he wakes, he starts drinking vodka and the whole circle starts again. I just want to say to him that I get he's in pain but it doesn't have to be this way.... but I know I can't because that just opens the door again to him being abusive and manipulative and hurting me time and time again.
I guess this is a minute by minute process.

Hi @Ademaybe

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I too am an alcoholic with just over a years sobriety. I drank as much as your husband and was very close to death on too many occasions. I was saved, repeatedly by the NHS, then rehab, then AA.

Is there anyway you could get him into a rehab? I can recommend an amazing one privately if you'd prefer. He'd need a full medical detox because at this point stopping drinking is much more likely to kill him, and quickly, than drinking - messed up as that sounds.

It does sound that he may be too far down the line and for that I am truly sorry. Death by drinking was for me a very long way to commit suicide and the pain it caused people who loved me was immeasurable.

AA and Al Anon meetings are all by zoom at the moment so you could try a few, anywhere in the country or indeed world to see if you can find one that speaks to you. You can dial in audio only if you want and nip in and out if it's not what you are looking for. Please don't be put off by one meeting. There will be people to talk to who are going through exactly what you are going through or who have been through it and can give you hope that you will come through this.

You can also call the AA helpline. I'd really recommend this. Everyone who answers the phone is an alcoholic who now has long term sobriety and will have seen many people they know die from the disease. A A does not work for everyone and us alcoholics see many people succumb to the disease.

It's repeated so often because it's true: you didn't cause this and you can't cure this. No more than if he had terminal cancer.

I'll just get some links for you.

You have my deepest sympathy and love.

@Shannith speaks a lot of sense.

AA meetings, whilst all founded on the same ideas, can be very different with very different feelings to them so I imagine Al-Anon is the same. Please do try different meetings and just because it’s a depressing hour doesn’t mean that its not useful/ sensible.

Here are some details that might help.

The AA helpline is for everyone who is affected by alcoholism - people who drink and people affected by other people's drinking. on 0800 9177 650 or
Or you can email them at contact us by email: [email protected]g_

They have 24 hour online chat here www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/About-AA/Newcomers/Get-help-now

Or you can get details of Al Anon zoom meetings by calling

0800 0086 811

I'm sorry to read this - my DF was exactly the same and after a long drawn out battle he passed away 2 years ago. In our experience no amount of medical detoxes helped because the lack of funding and mental health support meant that the core problem wasn't being dealt with at all and just delayed the inevitable- eventually it was discovered that he had bowel cancer that couldn't be operated on due to his poor health as a result of drinking - the cancer was a likely bi-product of this anyway. In a way it was easier to deal with as he able to stay in hospital where we knew he was safe. Our greatest fear was him being alone and thankfully we were able to be with him. Alcoholism ruins so many more lives than just the alcoholic and it still feels like it's not taken seriously and the support for families is seriously lacking

I’m so sorry OP. What an awful situation. It is so frustrating to watch good people throw their lives away on this horrible disease.

You know that none of this is your fault or responsibility? It really isn’t. I hope you can find Alanon helpful if you give it another go. How about some counselling? I left my alcoholic husband and have found counselling with an addiction expert who understands the problem really helpful. I also understand the problem of in laws turning you into the baddie. Just awful! Good luck

No point in phoning AA,I am a member,over 17 years sober and I man the callline often,we only help the actual Alcoholic and unless we personally speak to them we cannot offer anything.The Alcoholic themselves must say they want help.This is because so many people ring on behalf of the Alcoholic,but the Alcoholic the,selves don’t want to stop drinking.They are always passed on to Al-anon.

Al-anon is your best bet.As previously said there are hundreds of meetings online Worldwide at the moment,If you are on Facebook there is a page ,AA MEETINGS GLOBAL LIST.You can join and find all the meetings listed.

The 3 C’s of Al-Anon are,you didn’t cause it,you cannot control it and you cannot cure it.

I wish you well.

Thank you all for your advice today. I will get in touch with Al-anon and try again.

It's been a horrible day. He messaged to tell me that I was the head fuck. I'm guessing all his family who haven't been there to pick him up time and time again or take his abuse or have to work out what is lies, what is not are all telling him how horrible I am. I don't want to care but I also want to scream at them all and tell them to deal with this. But they won't.

I've got some great friends around me who are helping me get by and helping me focus on keeping strong for my kids.

I never thought I'd be here, nearly 50, starting my life over again. My ability to trust is out the window , it feels after being lied to so much over the years. I can't imagine myself with anyone again, let alone anyone who drinks. It's just all so crap. And then on top of all thy I feel like I'm waiting now for someone to call and say he's dead.
I didn't ask for all this.

@goingonahairbunt thank you for your response. I'm so sorry this has happened to you too.
I know that he has massive issues with his bowels now, ie bleeding. He's also going yellow, is massively confused, almost like dementia at times. It's just the worst drawn out process. He won't address any of these things. I just know it. He won't take responsibility for his drinking, that's my fault , so I know he won't bother seeing a doctor about bleeding

OP my heart goes out to you. You need to step away - he will keep drinking either way. The only difference is that you won’t be there to watch. Please focus on your children.

Oh I’m so sorry. That does sound like end stage. Is there anything you can do to get his affairs in order?

I have to admit that this does sound like he won't make it.

Are you still technically married as that makes everything much easier from a financial / legal perspective.

This happened to a friend of mine, marriage broke down, he spiralled into awful awful alcoholism 24/7 drinking, prostitutes (for company and to bring him more alcohol we think - preying on his vulnerabilities too), rehabs didn't work he'd just given up. I had to step back as it was ripping me apart plus I'd just had a baby so couldn't spend as long as I used to on the phone to his drunken ramblings / sorting out his messes. We tried to get him into AA but he wouldn't engage - blames everything on his ex wife and took no responsibility for his part in it. I'm afraid he did die a horrible and lonely death but at least he didn't take me down with him. The opposite in fact - his situation made me face my own, sneaking alcoholism and I've now been in AA and sober for 6 years.

Al anon are easily your best bet for support right now. Try as many meetings as it takes u TIL you find one that's right for you. Due to time difference you will be able to find one pretty much any time night or day at the moment.

It's a fucking tragic waste of a life but there genuinely is nothing you can do for him. Let him know you are there if he wants to go to a meeting, then step back and concentrate on your own life. Good luck

@FusionChefGeoff for your words.

I admit today I've thrown myself into cleaning and organising my house so haven't been in touch with Al-onon yet. I will.

I received a call tonight tell me he'd been taken into hospital. He told the ambulance guys that it was all my fault that he was in that state. I was worried and upset... now I'm just numb. Maybe angry but this is his choice. Not mine.

That's so important, keep focussing on that because it's right - he's done this to himself. No one else.

Well done finding distractions, they can work wonders until you can hopefully get some support from Al Anon.

I’m so sorry OP. But you aren’t responsible for his behaviour. You didn’t cause it. You can’t control it. And you can’t cure it.
At least if he’s at hospital they can see how unwell he is and offer him treatment. Up to him if he takes them up on that. It’s not on you.

OP, as much as your husband is powerless over alcohol and his life is in free fall and unmanageable, nothing you can do or say can MAKE him change. I know you have heard this a bazillion times but the truth is, he has to WANT to change. No person or agency can force this upon him.

I'm sorry to have to say this to you but it so true.

Your adult children will need you to be there for them (and you will no doubt need them), if your husband does succumb to this awful disease! Your husband has given away his humanity and freedom to a lie that is alcohol, you need to preserve your humanity and energy for what comes next.

I wish you strength as this won't be as easy path to take.

This is horribly familiar to me. My husband is the same, he can't take the blame himself because then he would have to give up drinking. The only positive I have is his family are hugely supportive.

With Al anon, attend as many as you want until you find a group that suits. I even have a list of american ones with lockdown and a few foreigners attend the one I go to.
I feel your frustration because I feel it to. I want to let you know you are not alone and there are many of us out here going through the same.
I have just ordered the book love first which was recommended to me by a counsellor to alcoholics.
My thoughts are with you