How do I talk to someone about their problem

[idontknoww]

I want/need to talk to my parent about how much they're drinking but I don't know how to bring myself to do it and what to say.
Does anyone have any advice on: what to say, how to say it so they'll actually listen, what not to say. Just generally anything to help me have this conversation and for this conversation to be as pain free but effective as possible?
I can't do it alone

You know them best but for me what worked was being spoken to with concern and kindness and an offer of support. From my sister who suggested A.A. and offered to come with me.

Obviously don’t have this conversation when they have been drinking, when they are miserably hungover is good. Is it a long standing problem or is it made worse by lock down, if so maybe point out that they are not alone, it’s a national concern. What do you want them to do.
A.A. is free and available everywhere and immediate, no waiting lists like doctors or rehabs which is why I think it’s a good option

@Heresanothername thank you. I'm worried that she'll just be dismissive and defensive. Even when I try to talk to them about everyday things sometimes they take it almost as a personal attack or babysitting/patronising. I can see this same reaction to this conversation. I don't know how to make it sound with concern and kindness which is obviously what I intend.
As far as I notice it's at least been a couple years maybe longer but I'm not sure. It's at least one bottle of wine almost every night and sometimes spirits. But I think lockdown made it worse/harder to avoid. They're a very private person so I will try and suggest AA but i don't think they'll be on board.

Sorry you’re going through this. It’s an awful situation to be in.

If your parent doesn’t usually respect you (as many including mine don’t) you probably achieve nothing but heartache for your attempts. Sorry.

Been there. Done that. Got nowhere except told how wrong I was, that it was under control. So under control that the minute I left the bottle was out. Probably justified by said parent because I caused them to become stressed by my unfounded accusations.

It would be better coming from someone they respect. Their pal or whatever. But if you have to say something I understand, as I had to. I hope it goes better for you than it did for me. My parent didn’t stop until hospitalisation forced it. And then gradually the ‘never again’ changed to ‘one little one a day’. I have no idea what the truth is and have given up trying because they have to decide themselves that they have a problem.

Honestly? You can say what you like but you can’t stop someone drinking unless they want to stop.
Al Anon supports families.

A.A. is running zoom online meetings at the moment so it is truly anonymous. I have been going to A.A. for a couple of years now. In A.A. they say just try it and if you don’t like it, you can always go back to your old life. There is a dry jan app called try dry they could download to monitor their units, is your concern their behaviour/consequences of their behaviour or their health? I think that’s what you should think about. Are they now physically dependent and drinking every day?

@Elieza I'm sorry you had to go through it too. There isn't anyone else that is close enough to see the issue or that they would respect to bring it up. I feel like it has to be me and my sibling. Does it make me an awful person that sometimes i wish something rock bottomy (but not too extreme) would happen to hope it forces them to change. I think the issue with respect is also that I'm still living at home and still in my twenties. I've brought it up before once a year or two ago and the thing that stood out to me was that they said something like I'm not out on the streets drunk/high etc as if it made it acceptable since it was in the home.

@Wolfiefan I know I need to stop blaming myself and thinking it's my responsibility to save them but it's so difficult thinking I could do something and I'd feel so guilty if something happened. I suppose there's no way in making them want to stop themselves?

@Heresanothername thank you. I'll suggest that then. It seems helpful. My concern is mainly health. Their behaviour changes when they drink but not violently. Just more defensive and a bit more agitated maybe agressive. They withdraw a lot when drinking.

You can’t make them want to. No. You can express your concern. You can set boundaries. But you aren’t responsible for their choices. Hard as that is.

@Heresanothername my other worry about suggesting AA is that they'll get angry/defensive at the use of alcoholic. I don't want to label them or anything like that so they feel I'm judging them etc

@idontnoww
I must say I wasn't thrilled to be told I needed to go to alcoholics anonymous as I thought I wasn't "That bad". I was also scared to go to my first meeting scared that it would be full of vagrants and tramps.it wasn't, they were quite normal people but I don't think a suggestion for AA will go down well,

I really think this will all fall on deaf ears, it's better coming from one of her peers whose opinion we is more likely to listen to than you, who she presumably views as a child..

What outcome do you expect from this chat?

Before you say anything do you know (And how do you know) how much the person is drinking?
Is it cans or spirits?

Hi OP. This is such a hard position to be in. I think, first up, you need to approach with love and kindness. Your mum(?) will be embarrassed and also likely feeling that she NEEDS to keep drinking. You are going to be threatening her coping mechanism and she will feel forced to defend it at all costs. So, unfortunately, you need to be ready for the angry defensiveness that will probably come back at you.

If you can, approach her when she’s sober. Also, research the options and have them ready- find out when the next zoom as meeting is and offer to be their for it. Maybe find out what AA entails (The steps etc) and that it is full of other “normal” people who have The same issues.
You don’t need to label her with alcoholic. You don’t need to know anything more about what/how much she’s drinking.

Above all, be prepared that this is very unlikely to work. Sorry, I know you won’t want to hear that but lots of us have walked a similar path and know from experience. If she does accept help, great! If not, don’t be too despondent. Ultimately, getting well is her responsibility and absolutely not yours. Remember:
You didn’t Cause this,
You can’t Control this,
You can’t Cure this.

You need to be ready to detach and mentally walk away from the problem, even though you can carry on caring. This is too big a burden for you or anyone to carry. Have you heard of Alanon (they help family members of alcoholics) and Nacoa (for children-adults included- if alcoholics). They can help you and the one thing you can control here is your own reaction.

It’s a tough problem. Very best of luck!

@Heresanothername yeah that's what I thoight. I don't think she'll take hearing the word alcoholic we'll even in the phrase AA. But I'll try and explain how the people who go are normal too if I mention it. There's really no one else that can talk to her about it. No peers that she would respect.

@TorkTorkBam I have no idea what outcome I expect from this. Obviously in an ideal world I'd expect her to see my point of view, understand what I'm saying, realise that's she has been drinking too much or that she'd already been thinking about it etc etc but I know that's never going to happen. Realistically I expect her to become defensive and shut down a little bit, I'll end up trying not to cry and it'll be so awkward and painful in the house for a while. If I'm lucky maybe she'll agree to compromise and cut down a bit? But I don't know

@Elieza from what I can tell (from being in the same house as her, watching her drink in the evenings were together and seeing empties) they're drinking at least one wine bottle most nights but usually two I think. Then I know there's been some spirits but not sure the amount.

Yeah I'm trying to work through how I would be nice and supportive without coming across as patronising. I think I've been supportive but I don't know if she'll see it that way and don't know how to sound more supportive over judging while still showing the severity I feel? Yeah I predict she'll be very defensive and honestly I don't know how to deal with that and break through that defensive wall.
Thank you I'll try that. I plan on talking to her early afternoon when I think she'll be sober (she mainly drinks I'm the evening sometimes late afternoon before dinner). Ok I will try and get more details so she will actually know what AA or other support involved and it's for people like her not bad people.
I will try looking at support for myself thank you. Detaching and leaving just isn't an option for me. I've got siblings we're all living at the house with her I'm going through university supporting a kid still in my early twenties. I rely on her a lot. I care for her so much.

@idontknoww

Yeah I'm trying to work through how I would be nice and supportive without coming across as patronising. I think I've been supportive but I don't know if she'll see it that way and don't know how to sound more supportive over judging while still showing the severity I feel? Yeah I predict she'll be very defensive and honestly I don't know how to deal with that and break through that defensive wall. Thank you I'll try that. I plan on talking to her early afternoon when I think she'll be sober (she mainly drinks I'm the evening sometimes late afternoon before dinner). Ok I will try and get more details so she will actually know what AA or other support involved and it's for people like her not bad people. I will try looking at support for myself thank you. Detaching and leaving just isn't an option for me. I've got siblings we're all living at the house with her I'm going through university supporting a kid still in my early twenties. I rely on her a lot. I care for her so much.

@AFitOfTheVapours sorry this was a reply for you

Hi @Idontknoww
It’s really tough. Try not to overthink your approach too much. It sounds like she’ll react badly whatever you do and that’s really common. Also, Alanon’s idea of detaching with love isn’t necessarily about moving out (unless of until you want to), it’s more about not letting yourself get emotionally dragged down with her, which is so so easy to do.

Can you use your child as another reason for her to get help? I’m guessing you don’t/can’t rely on her for childcare? If she is drinking two bottles wine a day, even all in the evenings, she won’t ever be under the drink drive limit. Her body just won’t ever be able to shift that much alcohol.

Sorry, I don’t want to sound bossy and patronising but you mustn’t let her look after your child alone. It’s too easy for her drinking to become a weird version of normal and to lose sight a bit of how dysfunctional it is.

Really good luck!

You might have better outcomes by asking her if she is happy. Don't talk about drink. Don't tell her how to feel. Don't have the answers mapped out for her. Don't try to steer her to your righteous path. Let her talk about how she is feeling without being judged. Just listen.

She won't stop drinking until she is ready. You've said yourself that talking about the drinking will make her defensive, i.e. push her further away from the decision to stop.