Long term withdrawal symptoms and help

[Mangolady12]

Hi
My partner has abused alcohol for the last 20 years. Drinking everyday. Work nights 5/6 cans on a good night and weekend nights solidly drinking all weekend with a few hours sleep. When drinking he can be emotionally abusive, basically a total prick, dangerous behaviour like falling asleep on benches in Blackpool waking up with his wallet nicked which was thankfully all that happened. He would black out all the time waking with no memory of his behaviour. Over the 7 yrs together we have ruled out certain alcohol but even just lager is enough. I am pregnant and following some recent events including me having to drag him sleeping out of our hottub at 6am and finding him crashing about my son's room at 3am not even knowing where he was, I told him to quit or leave (accumulation of many events like the above).

He has given up alcohol and been about 3/4 weeks now. I am so very thankful and know how lucky I am that he gave up for me and himself so please don't think I take this for granted.

He didn't have any early withdrawal symptoms, but weeks in he seems to have Post Acute Withdrawal syndrome though this seems to be a USA phrase? Low mood, irritability, lack of interest, depression, no interest in sex etc.

He is unlikely to go to an AA meeting but what other support is out there? It is really hard to take as a partner especially when he is isolating himself but I know it is worse for him.

Any experiences or advice ?

Alcoholics don’t give up for someone else.
He should seek professional support.
But I would be prepared to walk away from this one. He’s abused alcohol for 20 years. He’s not seeking help. He’s probably waiting until he thinks he can get away with it to start drinking again.
Al Anon can help you.

Actually I do know someone who gave up for his daughter, maybe that's a rarity.

I'm trying to help a relative at the moment and have looked into all the services and contacted one, and made a list of all the others.

Services vary from area to area so you may have to do some research and encourage him to talk to his GP. He does need on going support.

I'm sorry you're going through this and hope things work out. If not, leave, it's too much stress.

Thank you. He is giving up for himself too. I think he has had some real wake up call moments recently and esp with a baby on the way. He says every bad decision he has made in his life was because of alcohol.

I think you are partly right that he hopes to be able to drink socially without abusing it and I think the first time he is with friends and I am not there it will be a train wreck.

I am not sure on al-anon. I like the idea of the virtual meetings and being anonymous but that is not the norm.

We had a good chat today about it and if he is talking I think it will help us both.

He is finding it really tough but if he didn't it wouldn't be a problem in the first place.

If he has abused alcohol for 20 years then he’s proven he can’t be a social drinker. And the first time he drinks without you there? You can’t be his conscience on this. To be brutally honest I would walk away. If he chooses to get dry and stay that way then fine. If not then why would you subject your kids to his drinking? You need help yourself OP.

He has made a great start to do 3-4 weeks Mangolady, I hope it continues. Not sure if he is a big reader but there are a few good support books out there like Kick the Drink Easily by Jason Vale and This Naked Mind by Annie Grace

This website had some good resources too

https://www.alcoholexplained.com/about-alcohol-explained/]

PAWS is definitely a real thing and comes in waves including some depression and often fatigue and lethargy. It can be hard when you think you're past the worst already. It does get less severe and it's healthy in a way as it's caused by the brain recalibrating itself after years of having to compensate for the presence of too much alcohol.

Might also be worth a GP visit to see if he is actually suffering depression as it could have been masked/ self-medicated by the drinking up to now

All the best

Sorry you are going through this OP, esp when you’re pregnant. It’s not all that unusual for an alcoholic to quit for a few weeks. My STBXH was brilliant at giving up and had tremendous willpower to do it. Problem was, he couldn’t keep it up...ever. Think you need to be prepared that what you are seeing may well also be the signs of relapse (or at least relapse on the horizon).

You say he won’t go to AA. Refusing to get help, especially when he’s showing the behaviour you describe, isn’t reasonable. He has everything to play for with a baby on the way, but It sounds like He is in classic denial and maybe just biding his time to get you off his back.

You ask about other options. Would he be willing? You could start with the GP but be prepared that the funding into recovery services really isn’t good. If you have the means, you could find a local addiction counsellor but it’s not cheap and you need to make sure you find someone who really specialises.

Ultimately, he will only commit to genuine recovery when he is ready. No amount of cajoling or begging on your part will make any difference. What you can do is help yourself. Definitely think about Alanon, read as much as you can on avoiding the common pitfalls associated with enabling and codependency and maybe consider some counselling for you. It’s really tough to be where you are.

Very best of luck!

Thank you all. I feel things are different this time. He now acknowledges that he clearly has a problem. He can't handle alcohol and can't stop once he starts and he loves being intoxicated. That is how he lived his life for 20 years.

I do really feel the difference this time is he agrees and accepts he has a problem. It is very, very depressing for him and he feels a failure, but he is stongwilled and I know him and I know as hard as it is and will be he would not be able to live with himself if he lost us over alcohol.

I am sure you think me naive and I probably am, and I am sure we have a rocky road and relapse, but whole he is trying and choosing us and being strong I won't walk away from him and need to support him as hard as it is and unfair as it is when he is moody and depressed and keeping himself apart from us.

If he decided he didn't want to do this or was hiding alcohol etc then I would be walking away and he knows I am serious.

I can tell instantly when he has had a drink so he would not be able to hide it from me. He has tried in the past but I am so attuned to it that I know straight away. I can also tell straight away when he has had a sneaky spirit. It is not just the immediate change in behaviour, his body reacts physiologically to it. His expression changes, his faces muscles act differently, his eyes change focus and even after one sip he stinks of alcohol. There is no hiding it.

Thank you for the chat above about PAWS. Him and I talked about it yesterday and I think he was relieved that it is a real thing and there are chemical reasons he is feeling this way. I think it made him feel less of a failure knowing his brain chemistry is messed up just now and it will get better if he doesn't drink.

I may be on here in the future saying you were right, but we need to try.

I meant to say that he isn't refusing help. He is very private and group therapy like AA would be very hard for him. We are trying it his way just now but if it is not enough he will recognise he needs to speak to his GP or someone else.