My fiancés binge drinking

[Summerj123]

So where do I start....

I met my fiancé almost 4 years ago. When we met I knew he was a bit of a party lad, but he was going through a stage of being medically discharged from the military and he liked a drink, we were new in the relationship so I just went along with it.

I’d say the past 1-2 years now the drinking has become really noticeably not right.

I first noticed the problem when we would go to family partys and he would get sooo drunk he would over talk everyone , not listen, try and hold everyone’s hands and be to much of a handful and he would tell everyone very gruesome stories about his time in the military , I could see people would start to look very uncomfortable. We love hearing about his military stories but not when he’s drunk and the things he says. There is a line.

A few times he’s promised he will be going out to see his friends for a few drinks and not come home for a day or two.

If he drinks on a Friday he has to wake up on a Saturday (or not go to bed at all) and drink all the next day and night as well, he says he does this to stop a hangover but he ends up hungover the following day anyway, he lies when he drinks and he is so embarrassing, I never go to family parties or out for food with him any more because it’s just not enjoyable for me he gets shots in straight away and gets a mess.

I have children from a previous marriage and I have told him I will no way have this behaviour around my children , he says I am being controlling and if he wants to go out with his mates then he can , but I am not controlling , I adore him , I love him so much when he is sober he is the best but when he is drunk I can not stand him.

Most recently I found out I was pregnant, I have suffered many miscarriages so it was so important I was not stressed and just had support around me, my fiancé went out for 1 beer while helping his brother decorate , I already knew how this would end but still what can I do? Anyway he came home and he was such a mess, drinking all night, talking over everything I said not listening to me and just being a nightmare , I went to bed and started having pains , I told him and at this point he was still drinking , I ended up going to the out of hours doctors who confirmed a miscarriage, I came home from the doctors and he was still drinking and in and out of sleep , I had pains all day and I ended up being taken to hospital and I had to have the operation, at this point he was so hungover he couldn’t do anything to help me , my mum has to do it and she’s isn’t in the best of health either.

I have told him I can’t do this any more I love him but I don’t want to live this way, he shouts at me and tells me I am controlling him again but I’m really not I want what’s best for everyone.

A big factor in this is he suffers from PTSD but he refuses to get help, alcohol is a depressant and he doesn’t care he doesn’t think what he does is in any way wrong.

How many times am I to forgive him?

Am I being unreasonable?

@AFitOfTheVapours the amount of times I have been in tears thinking it is me being unreasonable or controlling it just destroys me , bit then he doesn't see what he does to me, not coming home for days or when he does come home he's to hungover to get out of bed then he's moody in the week because he's recovering from the hangover , after the comments on this thread I know I am not in the wrong and I can only try so much.

I must put my children first and from now on I am walking away, if he turns his life around and proves to me he has within a year then who knows what the future holds but for now I know my family deserves better.

I will have a look at Anon I heard a lot about them.

Honestly thank you so much for your kind words 💓 x

Thank you everyone for your words of advice and courage , I have probably rambled on a lot on here , it's just so much to say and trying to put it into a few paragraphs is hard lol.

But I know what I have to do now, so thank you 💓

Al-Anon is brilliant and they might have online meetings at the moment. You can't sort out anyone else's problems for them, you can only look after yourself and your DC. It can be really hard and sad to accept that when you love someone so much.

I think it’s the toughest battle, holding onto your self-belief when they are swearing black is white that the HUGE elephant in the room isn’t actually there! You sound like you’ve got this, really hope it goes well for you.

One word of caution: I think most rehab centres recommend no relationships for a year after recovery starts. Gives everyone a chance to get used to life without the drinking. Also good to be realistic about the chances of long term recovery. It can be a really rocky ride and you’d need to be sure you were up for that. I knew I couldn’t amd am glad I’ve finally walked away, even though it’s hard. Good luck!

If he is drinking all through the night and talking over everyone I’d also be concerned it’s not just alcohol he’s on

Hi Summerlace. Your story could be mine (apart from no PTSD).

See my post below about long term withdrawal.

Everything you describe is exactly my DP. We are engaged and I had a miscarriage 3 years ago and I am currently pregnant.

I had years of the same thing that I was controlling and his friends were all single and great at telling him he was under the thumb and he would disappear for days too. He friends were enablers and some had their own issues and selfish reasons for keeping him there. They knew he couldn't turn down a drink so if he had crashed out drunk they would put a can in his hand as soon as he woke. One even "walked" him to the train station totally so he could get him to go for a drink before his train knowing it meant that was him on it again.

DP is a grown man so it was his decision to drink and be misled so not putting it all on his friends.

We had many fights about it and I was pointing out that it is not normal to be in a relationship and go on a night out and not come home.

The one difference is DP would always be sorry after things he said and did whole drunk and slowly over the years we have ironed out some issues, but the problem is the drink and he can refuse a drink but once he starts drinking he can't stop and makes bad decisions when he drinks he wouldn't make sober.

I told him to leave many times and he would always be sorry and come back saying he was sorry and I would take him back.

Things came to a head recently (see my post) and I very seriously when he was sober told him to leave. I am pregnant and can't have that behaviour.

He has now agreed that he really has no controll over himself once he drinks and he has no filter to realise when he has gone to the dark side. He has stopped drinking and I do think he seriously wants to stop the alcohol abuse. He is not happy about the fact that he cannot drink socially and it not turn to a nightmare and I think he Hope's he can one day train himself to enjoy a social drink. He is serious for now but finding it tough.

People on here (a lot more knowledgeable than me) say he will relapse and start again and that might be so. I do believe he really wants to change though and he loves us more than alcohol, so I think we have a chance if a rocky road ahead. Maybe I am deluded but I know he is trying and I need to give him a chance.

I think your partner needs a sharp wake up call. I think leaving or telling him to will do it. You can't call his bluff though. You need to be prepared for him leaving as much as that will hurt. But if he doesn't choose you and want to live a life with you, do you really want to continue this relationship.

Yoi are not controlling. What you ask is not unreasonable. I think he needs to work out his behaviour is not ok and he is not there yet.

I am sorry for all you have gone through and are going through. It hurts to be the strong person.

@Mangolady12 I'm so sorry you have been going through the same. I feel your frustration and it is so hard to explain it to someone who isn't living it.

Congratulations on your rainbow baby , that is amazing news in itself 💕

But your partner sounds the same as mine, especially with the friends , I think it is jealousy on the friends behalf and they do anything they can to get their single mate back.

Our partners are the same in the fact they have 1 drink and that's it it's pretty much game over, some people can drink and some can't they need to accept it and they aren't 18 any more.

I really hope this is it for you now and your partner has had the wake up call he needs, also when the baby is born he might have a whole new outlook on life.

I have left my partner and he has promised he will change so we will see how it pans out but fingers crossed because I do love him and when he's sober he is amazing.

It's nice to talk to someone going through the same thing as my family members and friends don't understand xx

I wished I’d walked away the first time my ex had a drink and ended up overdosing on tablets due to him being jealous of an old school friend, would have saved me years of hell.

" I think it is jealousy on the friends behalf and they do anything they can to get their single mate back."

Exactly this Summerlace! Some of his friends also thought due to his drinking he would not find someone, so the fact he has and they haven't was and still is hard for them, so they try to get their mate back and mess it up for him quite spiteful really. It took DP a long time to see this for himself. It took me pointing out the things they said and did and why and then when the started on about me being controlling and enabling him he noticed and realised I was right.

He doesn't have many friends he hangs out with now, but mainly because he has gravitated towards people who just want a sesh rather than actual friends and he has realised that too.

Thank you on the baby congrats. This is DP's first (and will be only as I have a 10 yr old and my ex relationship is very much like your situation so we are so similar). I am also classed as an old mum. DP is over the moon about it and doesn't want to be a drunk dad.

I am so pleased you left. It takes a lot of courage and is so upsetting as you love him.

I am so pleased that he wants to try and change. It is going to be really tough but he has made the first move forward. I think we need to be wary of them saying what we want to hear? But we are adults and will know when it is lip service and when real. I think they both have a dependency and it will be hard to go from drinking every day to nothing. We are 4 weeks in and he is doing great but quite low and depressed and irritable. I was getting really upset about it and snappy with him but google PAWS (basically long term withdrawal symptoms). It explained the behaviour and made me more understanding and him not feel like he is a failure feeling that way but that there is a chemical reason for it and it will pass when it happens.

Happy to chat on here. Wishing luck for us both. It is not easy. Xxxx

Just to add I think the lad culture masks alcohol abuse and dependency as it is seen as how they should behave and the culture probably is the start of long term problems. It is hard to admit there is a bigger problem, but when one drink always ends in disaster and you are not on a lads holiday anymore but a grown up having a drink in the house and ending up like that, there is a problem. Men just let things go and have a laugh about the state they get into. It is harmful.

@Mangolady12

It was very difficult to walk away but I believe everything happens for a reason and hopefully it will all fall in to place as we planned our lives together, wedding July next year , house and baby so I pray he doesn't throw it all away and his friends don't loosen him to much now he is free as they say.

I think when you baby is born your DP will completely be completely different as well , my mother has just told me my father was exactly the same as my DP and she left him, as soon as I was born he never went out on a bender again. I'm now 30 this year and I've never known my dad to be the party type , just shows people can change when they see the error in their ways and have a family.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm sure it will all work out 💕 I'm not to sure how to private message on here but if you figure out a way we can keep in contact and support eachother through the times ahead as I am sure for both of us we will have ups and downs 💕

We are so similar. We are getting married next June (was meant to be this July). My dad had a drinking problem and quit for us and 35 years sober. It can happen. Fingers crossed for us both. Xxx