My fiancés binge drinking

[Summerj123]

So where do I start....

I met my fiancé almost 4 years ago. When we met I knew he was a bit of a party lad, but he was going through a stage of being medically discharged from the military and he liked a drink, we were new in the relationship so I just went along with it.

I’d say the past 1-2 years now the drinking has become really noticeably not right.

I first noticed the problem when we would go to family partys and he would get sooo drunk he would over talk everyone , not listen, try and hold everyone’s hands and be to much of a handful and he would tell everyone very gruesome stories about his time in the military , I could see people would start to look very uncomfortable. We love hearing about his military stories but not when he’s drunk and the things he says. There is a line.

A few times he’s promised he will be going out to see his friends for a few drinks and not come home for a day or two.

If he drinks on a Friday he has to wake up on a Saturday (or not go to bed at all) and drink all the next day and night as well, he says he does this to stop a hangover but he ends up hungover the following day anyway, he lies when he drinks and he is so embarrassing, I never go to family parties or out for food with him any more because it’s just not enjoyable for me he gets shots in straight away and gets a mess.

I have children from a previous marriage and I have told him I will no way have this behaviour around my children , he says I am being controlling and if he wants to go out with his mates then he can , but I am not controlling , I adore him , I love him so much when he is sober he is the best but when he is drunk I can not stand him.

Most recently I found out I was pregnant, I have suffered many miscarriages so it was so important I was not stressed and just had support around me, my fiancé went out for 1 beer while helping his brother decorate , I already knew how this would end but still what can I do? Anyway he came home and he was such a mess, drinking all night, talking over everything I said not listening to me and just being a nightmare , I went to bed and started having pains , I told him and at this point he was still drinking , I ended up going to the out of hours doctors who confirmed a miscarriage, I came home from the doctors and he was still drinking and in and out of sleep , I had pains all day and I ended up being taken to hospital and I had to have the operation, at this point he was so hungover he couldn’t do anything to help me , my mum has to do it and she’s isn’t in the best of health either.

I have told him I can’t do this any more I love him but I don’t want to live this way, he shouts at me and tells me I am controlling him again but I’m really not I want what’s best for everyone.

A big factor in this is he suffers from PTSD but he refuses to get help, alcohol is a depressant and he doesn’t care he doesn’t think what he does is in any way wrong.

How many times am I to forgive him?

Am I being unreasonable?

I have children from a previous marriage and I have told him I will no way have this behaviour around my children

But you do. Constantly. Who matters most? Your children or this alcoholic fool?

Oh dear.
Well, it’s very clear. There is support available for his PTSD, if he does have it. Without him accessing support to deal with his PTSD and stop drinking, it’s a no-brainer.
Why was he medically discharged?

They are never around when he drinks as they stay with their father 3 nights a week. But you are right, he just gets into my head I guess makes me feel as if I'm the one in the wrong

He confirms he has PTSD when he drinks but not sober , he was discharged when he lost his hearing in his right ear from being ok tour.

You need to prioritise yourself and children. He needs help that he realises he needs.
If you dont leave now it will only escalate, that's how it works.
Shouting at you being controlling is a major part of his denial. Until that denial is lifted you are powerless to do anything.

You've had a traumatic loss and you need support not a ranting drunk.

@Nellydean21

I definitely need to prioritise myself and the children now. I just didn't know if it was me being unfair as he always says his friends girlfriends aren't like me and it just makes me question myself a bit.

But it's making me depressed having to have anxiety every time I see him with a beer

Its absolutely not about you or you being unfair. He has an addiction and that will be his primary love unless he addresses it fully. You will only get more and more involved in a storm of destruction if you stay. It doesnt matter how much he loves you or how perfect he is sober. If he continues drinking you will be living on eggshells and it will get worse unless he seeks recovery. It is possible but it's up to him.

You questioning yourself is part of a pattern the addicts inflict on loved ones.

Name change fail?
If he doesn’t have PTSD when he’s sober (hmm) then he has to stop drinking. The end. Non negotiable.
And frankly, he would want to.
Most people self medicate with alcohol to escape from their PTSD.

@Nellydean21 the amount of times I have tried to sit him down and speak to him about it as well, it never goes anywhere , or it will end up in a row and then he thinks we can go about our day as if nothing has happened . I need to leave and I need to be strong , maybe he will change when he sees what he has lost?

I married your DP basically. 3 years later we were divorced with 2 kids. Alcohol always wins. No matter how much you love them. Or how great they are sober. You loose. Always.

@Blackdoggotmytonguestill yes it wouldn't let me post kept saying login but changed the name with a few letters and it worked lol.

This is what I have said about the PTSD. He's happier when he's sober , or maybe he just hides it will I really don't know. But it's making me ill now and I've tried to be there for him. I've forgiven him for a lot of stuff but I am losing myself at the same time.

It's a big shame I just hope he can sort himself out one day and realise life isn't all about drinking

He might change or he might not. That's completely up to him and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. You might have years of this or you might not. That is completely up to you. If I were you I'd run as fast and far as possible.

@Wallywobbles so sorry to hear, are you doing ok now? We are meant to get married next year but I put it on hold a few months ago

Do not marry him. He will not change.

His friends girlfriends aren’t ‘like you’ as they are presumably in much more functioning relationships than you are.

It’s remarkably easy not to ‘sound like a nag’ when you don’t have to address a drinking problem, or live in fear of your partner Going on yet another bender where he acts like a fool, is incredibly selfish and can’t even be arsed to be there for the miscarriage of his little rainbow...

Yes I can quite imagine his friends girlfriends don’t sound as distressed as you!

I’m afraid it’s clear that you need to leave him, unless this is the life you are happy to lead, and downhill from now really, as you get more and more hurt when he chooses alcohol over you.

You know the solution he could be grasping at, but unfortuneately you can’t make someone improve their mental health. He has to do it himself.

Firstly I'm so sorry for your losses

Tough love time now though I'm afraid

I have children from a previous marriage and I have told him I will no way have this behaviour around my children

They are never around when he drinks as they stay with their father 3 nights a week.

You are their protector and their guide in life.

Do not marry a man who you know has a drinking problem.

You say they're not around it but you have invited him into their lives.

Do not marry this man.

I just didn't know if it was me being unfair as he always says his friends girlfriends aren't like me and it just makes me question myself a bit.

You obviously aren't being unfair.

But it doesn't matter whether you are or not, what matters is your kids.

Put them first. As long as you're with him you aren't really doing that because you're invited chaos and disruption and toxicity into their lives.

They don't have a choice, you do.

Call off the wedding and move on.

Do NOT marry him under any circumstances.

@WellThisIsShit thank you so much I think i definitely needed to hear that I wasn't going crazy being the horrible girlfriend , I've never been in a relationship like this, I tried explaining to him that I am fun I always have been and never had a problem with my ex husband going on nights out everyone needs it but he simply can't because he gets himself into a state . He doesn't need alcohol to have fun but he doesn't see it, I never tell anybody about things that go on at home but doing this has already helped me so much.

@backseatcookers you are 100% right, and my children have such a wonderful life, myself and their father are very good friends they have never known an environment like this so I think you relaying this back to me has woken me up a hell of a lot more. Thank you 💓

@Summerlace

You sound lovely and so do your kids - and refreshing you get on with their dad and coparent with them as priority.

Do NOT let this man drag you down. You're a great mum but (and this sounds harsh) being with him now you know who he is is letting yourself and your kids down.

Please call off the engagement. You would be absolutely mad to continue this any longer at all.

Don't jeopardise your children's futures - you and their dad have modelled an incredibly healthy relationship to them by showing them that you can coparent successfully and be friends even though you aren't together. That is so healthy and brilliant.

If this man is in your lives any longer, let alone god forbid you get married, you will model the behaviours of addiction, toxicity, tension, resentment... the list goes on... to them. That would take years for them to undo.

You've done brilliantly so far. You need to snap out of this situation because there's literally no way it can end well for your kids or for you.

Be brave and let go

@backseatcookers Oh thank you so much , my children are so happy and they will tell anyone their mum and dad aren't together but they are the best of friends, they absolutely love it. Their dad has another daughter as well who is 2 and she's adorable , we are one big family.

And I don't want anything to ruin that or for my children to look back at parts of their childhood remembering their mum upset a lot or their step dad drunk or hungover. I am definitely going to leave, I have to for my children , everything else will fall into place where it's meant to. Thank you 💓

my children are so happy and they will tell anyone their mum and dad aren't together but they are the best of friends, they absolutely love it.

This is absolutely gorgeous and a bloody good example to set! Please do follow through. Don't let him talk uou round or promise to change. He won't. And it's not taking worth the risk because of your kids. Well done you, make it happen!

@Summerlace - kids went to court against their Dad at age 8&9. He eventually lost parental responsibility. It was a very turbulent stressful decade.

I remarried 3 years ago. I was single for 6 years trying to repair the damage caused by XH. New DH is amazing.

@Summerlace, please don’t let him make you question yourself. You are not nagging, you are not being controlling, you are not being a party pooper. What you are asking him to do is totally reasonable. Crazy would be if you didn’t want him to stop this!

The getting sucked in to questioning our perceptions and second guessing is really common for those of us who’ve lived with alcoholics. Please, trust your instincts here, no matter what he says.

If he wants help, it is out there. BUT, you cannot make him get it, no matter how hard you try.

You sound lovely and the situation you have created with your ex just amazing. You will never get that with your fiancé. His situation will deteriorate, it always does, and if you then have to leave him down the line, the fallout will be hard.

If you think it would be useful, Alanon might be worth a check to give you some support. Best of luck!