Please can you help me?

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Please can you help me? My 21 year old son is regularly drinking too much, always on his own and sometimes secretly, hiding the empty bottles. My husband and I can’t agree on how to approach this. I’ve tried talking to my son but he just says it’s not a problem and normal for his age group. My husband wants to come down harder on him as it is affecting our sleep as son is Up until 3/4 am. Please help me

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Try Al-Anon. The affiliated with AA and support families - usually have meetings but there'll be online help. Run by families in the same position as you so you get advice, support and understanding. Good luck - very distressing position to be in.

Hi Redlight

So sorry to hear you are going through this, and your son too. It is a very stressful situation to be in.

First off, your son is in denial and this is absolutely part of the usual process. Nobody of any age drinks secretively or hides bottles unless they have a very significant problem. By talking to him, you are threatening his ability to carry on using the alcohol he needs and he is terrified, hence he will say anything to try and put you off.

Do you have any idea how much/how often he’s drinking?

The worst news here, which you may not want to hear, is that there is nothing you can do or say that will convince him to get help unless he is ready. That is not to say that you shouldn’t shine a light on his problem.

There are two things here that are crucial: first, You need to get as educated as you can on this disease and you will find lots of advice online about what not to do with an alcoholic. There is lots of behaviour that is considered to be enabling and you need to avoid these behaviours - that is often very difficult, particularly for a mother but it is absolutely vital. The second thing is that you must take care of your own emotional well-being first and foremost. As @Quicknamechange7 has said, Alanon would be a great start. They might be a good support for you and help you to detach with love, as they call it. Meetings are a bit tricky at the moment but they do have a helpline number on their website.

If you want to start presenting your son with some practical options for help, you can only put these in front of him (when he’s sober) and then detach for your own sanity. He might well react angrily if you do but he will still be taking it in, even if he doesn’t use it for some time. Your GP would be able to advise you on local help services but, I’m afraid it is not a well-funded part of the NHS. If you have the means, I would recommend finding a specialised addiction counsellor. They will be able to help you, as well as recommending the best/most cost-effective rehab services.

What is your husband wanting to do to come down harder?

There are plenty of us on here who have gone through similar with husbands, sons, fathers...
Really good luck to you and take care.

Thank you so much for replying.
I have emailed Al Anon, no reply yet, but that is understandable.
AFitOfTheVapours this is so useful, thanks.
I'm not really sure how much/often but this is what I know of this week
one 35cl bottle of brandy in one night, one 20cl of brandy 2 nights later then 11 cans of 4.8% lager 2 nights after that.

I have to go now but i will come back, thanks

20cl is a single measure?

20cl is 200ml so 8 measures?

Sorry, you’re right. I don’t think 4 doubles is a huge amount especially when young

nosnugglesforyou I did wonder that. What about 35cl? and the 11 cans?

11 cans? This is binge drinking.
Clearly unhealthy.
Plus being awake until 3/4? Not good.
Coming down hard won’t work. It doesn’t cure drink problems unfortunately. I hope Al Anon get back to you soon.

11 cans is loads but it doesn’t necessarily mean he’s an alcoholic. At 21 I drank ridiculous amounts

I will look at binge drinking v alcoholism

Redlight, I probably should have been more careful about how I worded that question, sorry! I think it’s the secrecy/hiding that is the biggest red flag here (and the up til 3/4 thing) and I didn’t mean to put doubt in your mind. Please don’t tie yourself up in knots trying to work out if the quantity consumed fits with the labels. Trust your instincts.

There is a great article sometimes linked on here called the three act play of alcoholism (worth a google). It describes how if the play was a TV program and you turned the volume down (I.e. cutting out the “noise” of denial from the alcoholic and self-doubt from those around them), what is really going on would become much more obvious. I think it’s a really useful way of looking at it.

Do you have any ideas of reasons your son might be drinking? Quite often, it is a form of self-medication for other mental health issues. If so, do you think he might be more receptive to getting help for the underlying issue as an in to the alcohol issue?

Really glad you have made a start with Alanon. Hope you hear back soon.

He’s trying to hide what he’s drinking.
He’s drinking unhealthily.
It doesn’t matter what you call it. Alcoholism or drinking to excess. It’s unhealthy.

Wolfiefan I am in no doubt that it is unhealthy.