I think my partner is an alcoholic and I don't know what to do

[dontworryyouvegotyourmummy]

Basically that... he's always been a drinker since we've been together. I didn't really have a problem with it until he's started showing his true colours around a year and a half ago/2 years ago while drunk. He didn't seem to go to work having had a drink (that I know of), but have had issues in the past when he has been at home on his days off drunk, with our children whilst I'm in work and he's drunk, picked me up from work drunk, I could go on. He hides a lot of his drinking from me, especially since I'd realised it was an actual problem.

The issue when he's had a drink is if I get on the wrong side of him, he is volatile, completely irrational and just plain nasty. He can also be violent. He also has the tendency to run off if I ever confront him about his drinking... and I actually mean run off like a child that's been told no for the first time, I have tried in the past but never ends well.

I'd made him stop drinking beer and cider which were, what I thought, the biggest instigators of him being horrid, everything has been fine since around feb this year, but now he's at home and furloughed, he's moved onto gin and Prosecco every night, probably thinking it's ok because it isn't beer or cider.

I am still working, meaning I'm gone 8-5 mon to fri, so am unable to monitor all the time. I am not 100% if he's drinking, because he hides it and has hidden it in the past, but I know he is with the way he acts and talks... I am just too scared to approach him if he is drunk and the situation is not one I want to be in.

Please please if you can, give me some advice on maybe how I can notice if he's drinking, has anyone been in this situation where they've wanted to catch someone out, not to say gotcha, but to help, I also don't want the kids to see this and think it's normal or for him to turn on them, or how can I approach him if he is... he is a big liar when it comes to the drink so I really don't think asking him would be the best thing as it would be a very straight and closed 'no'... and then he would be offended and yet again vile situation. Thank you in advance

Can you suggest AA?

I will try to suggest that thank you, although he is and always has been in denial so I'm not sure how well it will go down... when I suggest he take a break from alcohol he had put it quite clearly he wasn't doing it as he was an alcoholic, but to prove he doesn't NEED a drink.

I was in your situation many years ago. In the end, I realised that he wasn’t going to admit he had a problem, seek help or change. I divorced him and although it was tough being a single parent, it was the best thing I ever did. I remarried and have been very happy for over 20 years. Save yourself and your family. I send you my best wishes 💐

Seriously end your marriage. Drinking means more to him than you or the DC, what are you teaching your DC by staying?

He needs to hit rock bottom and decide to change for himself.

You have to leave him. Seriously. He's an abusive, violent drunk and you owe it to your children and yourself to get him away from you all.

Sadly its a path I recognise from my brothers descent into death by alcohol.

There is NOTHING you can do - the desire to stop needs to come from your partner. As in really stop not just say he will so you shut up. Over the years alcohol turned by brother from someone bright, caring and lovely into a petulent, volitile, nasty accident prone drunk. The only thing I am thankful for is that he never had children. A drunk should not be left in charge of children- their needs will never come first. Until he has to bear thye consequences of his drinking he may not notice he really has got more than a 'problem' with drink. Sometimes you have to end a relationship for everyones sake.

You could stay but this is not going to get better and IMHO your kids deserve better than being left under the charge of an adult who drinks whilst you work.

I can totally relate to your post. Sadly there is nothing you can do. You cannot make him face up to his problem or take responsibility for it and the resulting behaviour. Only he can decide to stop. And the lying and minimising demonstrates that he isn't going to do that.

He hides his drinking because he knows you're on to him and might try to make him stop, and so he can deny it's as bad as you think (gaslighting, minimising).
He's nasty and sometimes violent (a.k.a. abusive) to you because you are calling him out on his behaviour and trying to come between him and alcohol.
He runs away because he doesn't want to listen to anything you're saying (denial).
He thinks not going to work is better than going drunk, therefore he's being 'responsible' (more denial).
He thinks the kids are safe with him when you're working and he's drinking because he'd never do anything to hurt them and plenty of other parents drink with the kids around, right? (more minimising).

You cannot fix him, only he can do that. He's nowhere near ready to consider that, and he may never be.

The best thing you can do is accept that and finish things between you. That's huge and may feel like giving up, but really it's you taking control. You're probably not feeling ready or willing to do that so in the meantime seek counselling support for yourself (local addiction support groups often provide family support, or can point you in the right direction. It's all confidential and discrete).
Make sure your children have reliable, safe childcare, not easy just now, but not impossible.
Disengage from his behaviour, it is not your responsibility.
Also find out where you stand legally re. separating, so you're clued up and get free advice from a solicitor.
If he threatens or hurts you call the Police. Again, a huge thing to do, but they will remove him temporarily at least, and you will be safe.

Keep posting on here.
Remember when it comes to alcohol, you did not cause this, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it.

have had issues in the past when he has been at home on his days off drunk, with our children whilst I'm in work and he's drunk, picked me up from work drunk

Was he driving drunk?

Drunk during the day in charge of the kids?

😳

He is an alcoholic. You cannot change him. You can change you. Don't accept this behaviour, you have a choice to stay with him or not, but your kids dont have a choice so you need to do what's right for them.

I grew up with an alcoholic father (also an enabling narcissistic mother) and it caused me huge emotional damage.

Alcoholism is progressive, so this is going to get worse and worse.

The other thing is that it thrives in secrecy. Do not help him bury this, bring it out in the open, tell friends and family what you are going through.

Nothing will change until someone changes something. He wont change, why would he? Hes getting what he wants. So it has to be you.

OP, this is horribly familiar to me too. I understand that awful second guessing if he is/is not actually an alcoholic. HE IS! No one is secretive about their drinking if it is not a problem. There is plenty you have said in your post that is absolutely not ok and that is enough for it to be a drink problem.

He is, like most alcoholics, in denial and the running away when you confront him is not at all unusual. Do be very careful about approaching him if he is so aggressive and potentially violent when you do so. Above all, you need to keep safe.

You do not in any way need him to agree with you that he has a problem. You KNOW he does and anyone else in your situation would see it too. There is a great article that is sometimes linked on similar threads called the Three Act Play of alcoholism. In there, it points out that if this play were a TV program and you turned off the sound, you would be able to see much more clearly what is going on, without the distraction and noise of his denial.

What do you want to do? Some people manage to continue living with an alcoholic but it is not much of a life. Please consider Alanon or similar for you. It will help you to see things more clearly and how to detach yourself from the chaos.

It sounds as though he may be left in charge of your kids whilst you are at work. I am assuming they are not old enough to look after themselves? OP, I’m sorry to be direct but you know it is not at all OK for an alcoholic to be looking after children unsupervised. He is simply not capable and not trustworthy. I can imagine that this could create you a huge childcare issue but you must face it. If school became aware, they would (quite rightly) treat it as a safeguarding issue.

If he is drunk driving, you have a duty to report him to the police. You can do this anonymously via crime stoppers website. This is not in any way disloyal, it is for yours and everyone else’s sake.

Please don’t doubt yourself. Good luck!

Also, have a look at Nacoa which is for the children of alcoholics. The effects on your children of staying in this situation could be pretty horrendous and you need to be educated so that you can make the beat decisions for you and them.

I second that he is an alcoholic if he is secretive about it. I'd happily openly drink slcohol st breakfast if I wanted to because I'm not an alcoholic. I drink maybe 3 glasses a year. My dad is an alcoholic and he drinks when he is alone. It's no fun growing up with a bad drunk. You can't cure him, only he can. You can only choose what kind of life you want for you and the children.

Touching on what someone else has said... I was brought up by 2 alcoholics. I loved them dearly but the effect that it's had on my life isn't great.
I would offer him an ultimatum - alcohol or his family.
I have a bizarre relationship with alcohol now and will only drink one or two glasses of wine. But I've told my husband I never want our children to see us under the influence of alcohol.
Good luck xx