Relapse/Slip/Tumble/ Landslide

[Bluegirl19]

After 16 and a half years of sobriety, I slipped, fell, tumbled........! I am not going to waste your time on cliches or hyperbole- It is hell! I basically sleep- walked my way into it, or did I?
It started with a drop of Baileys in a coffee, that went on for about 6 months. Then one day, last summer, I was preparing a meal for a family celebration and impulsively chugged down 2 glasses of red wine. Why? I always , even at the height of my worst drinking, detested red wine. I didn't drink again until last December, the entire month of December was spent consuming 2 bottles of mulled wine every night! I was on steroids at the time also, and as a result, I never got a hangover- it was the strangest , most bizarre thing. It was almost as if I could pretend I wasn't really drinking, or it wasn't really me.....if that makes any sense? I stopped a couple of days after New Year and didn't drink again until March 7th, when I consumed a bottle of red wine and was violently ill the following day and had the hangover from hell. It was just surreal, I had spent the month of December chugging red wine and never had nausea or a hangover and then in March , I was violently ill. This is why I feel the steroids may have been a factor. Not that it matters, the big and only factor is the alcohol.
This brings me to today, once the Covid 19 lockdown occurred I was struck with compulsions I hadn't encountered since the early 00's. Every week of this lock down I have binged on at least one evening. I have reacquainted myself with my old reliable - vino blanco. Once a week I have been drinking 2 bottles of white wine. 'Drinking' is an understatement, I have been chugging back , in a matter of minutes an entire bottle ...followed by a second bottle in an hour or 2. I am back to my old tricks of decanting into drinking bottles, hiding empties in knicker drawers, becoming a local at the bottle bank, living looking over my shoulder in a constant and heightened state of fear.
All this from a professional 48 year old woman with a grown family , an extremely responsible job and worst of all, somebody with nearly 17 years of sobriety!
I need help so badly. I will tell my original sobriety story at a later date- at the moment, I would love to hear from others who may have relapsed and how they got back on track again.
A very sincere thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this stream of consciousness. I feel like I have a crater sized hole in my soul, life feels so empty and restless at the moment.

Bluegirl19 I really feel for you, this is the problem with alcohol those of us who struggle are always at risk of relapse. 16 years of sobriety is amazing which shows what a strong person you are.

Some people can reset their drinking and continue to have the odd 'social' drink some cannot, this is where me and you come in.

You can stop again you know you can and you need to, I am happy to be accountable with you. I have a long history with alcohol and am newly sober myself after years of battling. I cannot have one ever so when I fool myself and think ok just one with everyone else I already know it won't be. I don't enjoy alcohol but once I start I cannot stop so I must stop.

I panic if I only have one bottle in the house, hide empties, try to pretend I am sober you know the drill.

Not sure about the steroids but it sounds like it increased your tolerance, not good. Hope this is day 1 for you today.

Thanks so much for taking the time to respond in such detail. I would be delighted to be 'accountable' with you. A hot summer weekend is a good time to become accountable.
I totally get your point about not liking alcohol but needing it.... That is why I 'chug' it. I want the effect not the taste or the experience. I went for a long walk at 6am and listened to 'this naked mind' podcast. I really like it. I did 10 years of AA, it was a lifesaver and I will go back, if I have to, but I really liked what I heard of Annie Grace this morning.
Thanks again
BG

How are you this morning? I am just heading into work now. Hope you have a good day.

Hi Rupertpenrysmistress (love the name, he was amazing in Spooks),
I am doing well-have been listening to This Naked Mind a lot over past few days. It has been helping, as a meeting is not really possible at the moment. I am trying to stop dwelling on the 16 and a half years and really be mindful about it. It has to be one day at a time!!
How are you doing? The hot weather is beautiful but it can make the days of early sobriety seem quite long.
Look forward to hearing about you, when you get a chance.
BG

Hi BG I am doing ok very tired but forced myself out for a walk after work. I have the Annie Grace on audible but not really listened to it yet. Is it any good? I love Allen Carr's easy way for women, it really resonated with me. I need lots of confirmation at the beginning so I find this book really good.

Will you attend AA or something similar? I don't think I can bring myself to go to a group although I have heard lots of positive things, I don't know if it's for me.

Have you found any good af drinks? I like something nice to look forward to, especially in this weather. Tesco do a drink by soda sister, lime & guava and hibiscus and something! Lovely with ice/cucumber and lemon. Feels indulgent.

Hi R
I did 10 years of AA and I don't think I can do it again.... But never say never... I will keep it in my arsenal, in case things get really bad!
This Naked Mind is good because it is less extreme... More moderate. I might try the online route first. I am not knocking AA, I needed it so badly in the beginning. I first got sober in '03 and there were not many alternatives. I made some great female friends and we are still friends. It's a good option to keep at the back of your mind, if you need it.
I have been drinking sanpellegrino fruit drinks all weekend, they are lovely. My' usual', has always been either soda & lime or elderflower tonic water. They are both lovely drinks and very refreshing. As I sad though, I never drank for pleasure... I drank for pain & oblivion.... Always! I was secretive from the very first day of my drinking and I never enjoyed it... It always felt wrong, but I needed it to stop the pain and the committee in my head! I never needed it for confidence, it has the opposite effect on me! I am much livelier sober. Drunk, I am morose and maudlin and silent!
Anyway, more anon. I will type more of my story later, if you would like to hear it. I woukd certainly like to hear your story. Thank you
BG

Hi BG how are things? How are you feeling today? Someone at work was talking about going home to have a nice glass of red (can't stand red) but it made me think how lovely.

I had a lovely walk home in the sun listening to Allen Carr and considered stopping for a bottle. I didn't though, I don't even enjoy drinking anymore I just did it to feel nothing. In all honesty that first drink and familiar tingle is lovely but after that nothing.

I have a long history with alcohol although this 'relapse' not as bad as some but nothing to be proud of.

I have 2 lovely DC who deserve better a very responsible job and a DH who tries to support my many attempts to stop.

I am scared I can't stop, I do still think one would be lovely especially on such a lovely day but it is never one which means I am slowly killing myself.

I have just had a lovely bath and am now sitting in the garden with a chilled caramel latte. It's what I promised myself on the way home.
Looking forward to waking up sober, not anxious and sweating. Home schooling is much easier without a hangover.

Our situations sound very similar.... I am. In bed, reading this. I find going to bed early and spending some time reading forums or doing a bit of meditation really helps me get through trigger times. It will be a week since my last slip tomorrow. I don't feel like heralding it.... After almost 17 years of sobriety it seems to be tempting fate. I am trying so hard not to analyse why I slipped after so long. It would be so easy to get caught in a spiral of regret and fatalism. I am just trying to keep facing forward, one step at a time. How about you? How are you feeling about relapse/sobriety at the moment? I know a lot of my problem is that I am a workaholic and I find down time very difficult. I too have a very responsible job and it is very stressful, especially during this crisis. At the moment, the thought of a day with nothing to do fills me with dread and a desire to drink! I wish I could regain the little scrap of serenity and peace of mind I fought so hard for in the past. I sometimes feel such emptiness in my soul. It is as if I work so hard that there is nothing left. My life looks great on the outside but this really is an inside job!

I hope other people won't feel discouraged from joining us here..... I am not very sure of posting etiquette.
Look forward to hearing more
BG

Can I join please ? I am 4 years sober and I am struggling quite a bit at the moment. I’m not going to drink but I have been thinking about other ways to take the edge off and in particular codeine which I did try but which didn’t really seem to have any impact - probably a good thing. Someone I know who was 8 years sober relapsed in October and I have only just heard which has made my sobriety seem so much more fragile. I have a high pressure job and before Christmas I had a bit of a breakdown and had 3 months off sick. On 16 March I came back to work and since 17th I’ve been at home. Although I had a phased return in terms of hours I haven’t really been reintegrated into my job. I haven’t been into the office since December 12th and I haven’t seen any of my colleagues in person since Feb when I met up with 2 people for coffee. I think I need to focus on connections with other people who get the alcohol thing. That’s enough from me though.

Hi vxa2 I seem to recognise your name, I have been on a few of these threads. You said you were taking codeine was that to get you through being sober?

The thing I find hard is that when I am sober I have lots of confidence and my anxiety disappears so, I am much better at work but,for some reason I start drinking again and I just continue.

I am currently only 5 days sober but feel better, even with the home schooling, but, I do keep thinking about having just one. I am so tired of this battle I want to stop but I want to drink occasionally and enjoy it like my dh. Problem is I really can't.

What do you want to do? Quit? Moderate? Your work situation sounds quite stressful. I always found the longer I am absent from work the harder I found it to go back.

Sorry I misread your post 4 years sober, that is amazing. Do you miss that buzz of alcohol? That immediate relaxation that is short lived. I am not sure what can substitute that, this is why we get addicted. What techniques or treats did you use to help you quit and stay sober? Maybe you need to revisit those. You have done so well.

BG how are you today?

Hi RPM yes I was on the Dry boards for a long time - Dry 10 onwards. I stopped in March 2016 after years trying. I did refer myself to my local drugs and alcohol service which helped. The dry boards were what really kept me going especially in the early days. I also read a lot of blogs and listened to podcasts. Basically I immersed myself in sober stuff and made not drinking my sole focus. I also wrote my own blog for a while and set up a group for sober women local to me. I think there is a big gap in support available to professional women who have a problem with addiction.

Have you listened to sober podcasts. I still love the Bubble Hour and Love sober and Soberful are both great. I enjoyed books including Rachels Holiday by Marian Keyes.

Drinks wise I like anything with lime and mint. I also like virgin cocktails and sparkling water Diet Coke.

How about you both? What do you do to keep going ? X

Hi @Bluegirl19, alcohol is all a big con, don't you think? The industry persuades us that it's cool and acceptable, but in fact it's a foul tasting poison at the end of the day.

My greatest fear, at just over 7 months sober, is that I'll get complacent and think that just one glass won't hurt. Whereas I know in my case that I cannot moderate, so really should not drink at all.

I was also wondering about why anyone would drink just for the taste, honestly alcohol tastes horrible, I remember having a taste of beer as a child and could not understand why anyone would drink for the enjoyment of it. I used to drink lager and lime when a teenager, as it was more palatable (yuk). I've read that alcohol affects the sense of smell and taste. And I've found that now I don't drink, my sense of smell and taste is heightened. Which is another benefit.

I really can't see any advantage to drinking these days, I'm just hoping I can stay strong enough to resist that first drink. That is what I do every morning. Wake up and decide I won't drink that day. And count my blessings.

Hi all, sorry work has been crazy, I hadn't time to post. I really think that it us tougher as a professional woman, trying to get, and stay, sober. Maybe it is my inherent snobbery but, I really think we have scrutiny and pressure from all sides.
I am 9 days sober again but, if my experience of almost 17 years sobriety is anything to learn from, counting can be counter productive! In the early days of my recovery (the 1st time) my mantra was 'pillow up, pillow down', I counted the days from lifting my head off the pillow in the morning, to when I laid it down again in the evening. It worked for me. I really found a women's AA group fantastic too, the mixed meetings were too visceral and fanatical for me but, the women's group was brilliant. As I said before, there were no Podcasts then (I sound like a dinosaur). I am enjoying This Naked Mind....... The idea of using mindfulness to push through cravings is very useful, even though it is the last thing I feel like doing when I want to 'wipe out' - my term for my style of drinking.
Great to hear from other people, we can get through this... I read a lovely quote last night, I hope I remember it correctly..
.
'But what if I fail, oh yes my dear, and what if you fly!'
We should try that philosophy with ourselves.
BG

Hi all
Hope everyone is doing OK this weekend? I had a couple of cravings yesterday but, thankfully they passed.
BG

Well done BG.

@Bluegirl19 I don't have the same drinking style as you do so I'm not going to say I can relate, but I just wanted to recommend Holly Whittaker's Quit Like A Woman.
I love Annie Grace I think she's fab, but she's also kinda neutral/balanced about everything (which I get, her whole thing is being scientific and objective).
Holly's book looks at alcohol issues from a feminist perspective and she's very empowering with it - she's quite young I think (thirties) and it sounds like she was in a punishing corporate job and a hedonistic lifestyle on the side and she eventually stuck to fingers up at the whole thing.
I haven't come across anything quite like it in the quit lit/podcasts, and I think from what you've said in your posts it might appeal.
Well done on getting through the weekend.

Hello all, can I join? I'm so impressed by everyone's sobriety. 16 years...4 years i can't seem to do 2 weeks. I really really want to stop but with lockdown I seem to be drinking more. I've read all the wonderful quit lit over and over yet I don't seem to have the willpower to ride it out. It just feels like a very lonely place.

Hi Bookbotherer. Do you want to say anything more about your drinking. Have you managed to stop before - even if only for a while ? What do you think is holding you back. Would would help? I am here for you. There is no need to do this alone.

Hi @bookbotherer, have you read the Allen Carr quit drinking book? It's not about having willpower, more about having the scales removed from your eyes, so that you can see alcohol for what it is. It's very powerful. As is the Annie Grace 30 day alcohol experiment, which is very good, and free! Once you are in the right mindset, everything will follow. And I say that as someone who had several unsuccessful attempts before things finally clicked.

How long have you been sober for Elsa ? How did you do it ?

@vxa2, I'm on day 231, so just over 7 months. I'm on one of the other alcohol support threads, which concentrates on stopping entirely, rather than cutting down. And everyone on the thread is so helpful and supportive.

Staying Stopped Alcohol Free permanently

I really can't recommend the Allen Carr quit drinking book highly enough. Or the Annie Grace 30 day alcohol experiment (free and online).

I decided to see if I could stop for 30 days, and just carried on from there.

I never have alcohol substitutes such as Nosecco or Beck's Blue, but make sure I always have a stock of soft drinks and posh cordials, plus I also drink lots of tea, coffee and water.
I decided that I was not going to overhaul everything at once (and it's only recently that I have started to address drinking less caffeine and eating less junk food).

The main change was in being more mindful, and once the benefits kicked in, I didn't want to go back to poor sleep, awful hangovers and being ashamed of my drunken behaviour.

I'm now at a point where drinking alcohol doesn't bother me at all. Things do get easier. One day at a time.

Oh, and being kind to yourself. I replaced wine with cake in the early days and spent my evenings watching a good box set, reading, doing my nails and the like.