Is my partner abusive?

[Platypus2020]

My partner had been drinking overnight. When he came downstairs I braced myself. I know he can go from joking to shouting at the flip of a coin. He started shouting. He called me a see you next Tuesday, said that if I'm not too careful he could shoot me in the face, said that if I tried to come between him and my daughter he would make sure that I never saw her again, my 16 month old started crying. He told me that he hates me more than anyone in the world. Then he got upset and told me he was really struggling with his mental health problems (He has bipolar disorder) and spent over an hour talking about his childhood, the fact that no one wants him, and that everyone thinks he is a waste of space. I listened to him, then he wanted a hug and I said no because of the way he treated me. Not sure if I was being too harsh or whether I should stand my ground and leave if things don't change. Hopefully someone has been through a similar situation that can help. I want to help him but I know that the welfare of my daughter needs to come before anything else

This is difficult to live with but it sounds like you’re used to it - not a good thing for you or your baby. In your position, realistically, I’d placate him for the foreseeable future whilst quietly making plans, and as soon as I could i’d be off.
Not sure how long you’ve lived like this, but perhaps a new perspective might help? You don’t have to. If you read your post back it’s all about him - perhaps you could find a way to make it all about you and your child?

Your partner doesn't need help. He is abusive. You need help to see this and get yourself and your daughter away.

The talking about his childhood after abusing you was to try to justify his behaviour. 'Woe is me, no one loves me' is the typical song of the concert or 'victim's narcissist.

Your husband is not abusive because he is angry. He is angry because he is an abuser.

Please speak with womens aid about how yo leave this man safely.

He is not a broken, injured little puppy. He is exactly who he is meant to be. He is a cat, playing with a mouse. And that mouse is you.

Read up on: the cycle of abuse.
And Google: Lundys 9 types of abusers.

Get away from him. Fast as you can.

• covert or 'victim/vulnerable' narcissist.

He is abusive. Get your ducks in a row and plan to leave or get him out. Good luck. Do this for you and for your daughter.

Whatever his problems and there are many he is no position to love or support you. There is a child involved. Get out.

Thanks guys that is very helpful. Felt like I was being unreasonable and it was making me slightly crazy. I do find myself reading your comments and still making excuses for him; he only sometimes gets like this if he has been drinking; he's better than he used to be; he has mental health problems and can't help it or I can't leave him, he has no one else.

Then I think about my daughter. How can I bring her up to think that this is acceptable or suffer with mental health problems herself ?

Thank you all for your comments. Definitely a lot to think about/ do. It's just really, really hard.

It is very hard in some respects but the bottom line is your child is a victim of domestic abuse and cannot possibly begin to understand or process the shouting, anger and fear in her surroundings. She will be very very frightened when your partner is abusive and feel very insecure. This may present in challenging behaviour from her in the future and she will need lots of love, reassurance and stability to get through it.
Plan your escape and ask your family and friends for support especially if you tell him to leave and he won’t go. Try Womens Aid if you need to get out while he’s out. Or change the locks when he’s out. If he is likely to accept your decision it’s easier but he might leave, start drinking and return. You need to plan for all eventualities as he’s not going to like you standing up for yourself and your daughter. Good luck

'He only gets like this when he has been drinking' .
So actually it has sod all to do with mental health and everything to do with choice.

I dont know what mental health issues he has (or claims to have) but do you feel sorry for psychopaths who kill people? Of course not. And tbh op he just sounds like he has a similar cluster b personality disorder. Which is not a mental health issue, it's a shitty personality issue. Of course there could be other stuff going on too but really, it's irrelevant. He is a horrible bully and will treat your child the same as you, as soon as she is old enough to feel shame.

Abusers often use alcohol as an excuse to abuse. The truth is, people who are decent would never drink if they knew it would cause them to hurt their partner.

It isnt your responsibility that he 'has no one else'. It is your responsibility to protect your child.

Do whatever you need to do to get away, and stay away.

Melanie tonia Evans does good YouTube videos on narcissists (just dont let him see you watch them. And never use the word narcissist when talking to him).

Shoot you in the face? Run, run fast as you can with your child and don't look back, don't try and work out why he's like this, just don't bother really, just get out.

Teddy1970 is right.

Thank you for all your comments and support. Will be speaking to someone from refuge today for further advice 😘😘

Good luck!
Hope they help you get away!

Good to hear. Wishing you all the best