I'm pregnant and just told DP he's an alcoholic

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

He'll deny it, he always does, but I'm desperate. I'm 36 weeks pregnant and, despite telling me before I became so that, if I did, he'd give up alcohol for the duration he's still drinking heavily. He was away the last weekend and told me before he left that he'd not have any alcohol once he returned until after I have birth. Between the Sunday evening and Saturday evening he downed 60 units of whisky, and some beers. Saturday alone he must have drunk 25-30. So he's either an alcoholic, or just a selfish bastard.

I ended up having a panic attack Saturday night, and he coulnd't understand it at all, thought someone online had said something to upset me, as he hadn't done anything. He doesn't see what an impact his drinking has on me.

I was going to talk to him in the car this morning but there wasn't time, so have emailed him instead. I'll now spend the whole day on tenterhooks wondering what he'll come back with.

[onalongsabbatical]

You sound like you've reached rock-bottom with his drinking OP. You're doing the right thing being straight with him, however difficult. What a difficult time for you. Handhold.

[onalongsabbatical]

Have you heard anything back Time?

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

Thanks for your reply, @onalongsabbatical, and for checking up on me.

Not heard anything yet. Probably won't until I see him this evening. I suspect he'll think I'm being a drama llama as he's convinced his drinking won't have an impact on me. Am slightly nervous how he's going to respond.

[onalongsabbatical]

So he doesn’t admit that he has a drink problem and he doesn’t want to see that it upsets and affects you. How does he behave when he drinks? Do other people know how bad his drinking is or is it just you? Is this your first baby? Still offering that handhold Time.

[Patchworksack]

Do you have a plan B for if you go into labour and he has been drinking and can't drive? Either he is an alcoholic (and therefore needs help with his addiction) or a completely selfish bastard. Neither makes him great father material. Call on your wider support network to help with birth and newborn period. I hope he will sort himself out.

[Wolfiefan]

TBH I would be making plans assuming I was going to end up a single parent.
You didn’t cause this, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.
Al Anon offer support for families.

[Really123456]

@TimeIhadaNameChange hope things are ok?x

[Haffdonga]

As you said yourself, telling him won't make the slightest difference. (He's in denial himself and lying to you, but even if he did admit he's got a problem, he doesn't want to change anything or see why he should.)

So, sorry but fuck him. Time to think about yourself and baby. What are you doing to look after yourself in all this? Have you told anyone else? What support have you got? Can you talk to Al Anon //www.al-anonuk.org.uk ? How will you protect your baby from him if he is not recognising his own issues? (driving, co-sleeping etc)

You need support at the moment and it's not going to come from him so time to get talking to others and planning your future. Good luck.

[MerryDeath]

i don't have many words of comfort I'm afraid. i have a somewhat similar situation and they do. not. change. do not have a baby with someone with the expectation they will change. if you have the ability to do it independently start thinking that way now.

[TimeIhadaNameChange]

Thanks, everyone.

We didn't talk about it last night, but that doesn't surprise me. It'll take a day or two going by past experience. He's still talking to me which is good though, I know it can't have been easy for him to read that email.

I do have a Plan B for labour - a close friend is desperate to be my birth partner, and will jump in no problem. She also knows about the current situation at home.

Co-sleeping isn't an issue as we rarely sleep together anyway, but I am concerned about him drinking whilst under the influence with the baby in the car.

I am still hopeful that, now I've spelt things out to him, he can and will change. I hate to think he's too far over the line. But time will tell.

[Trooperslaneagain]

I have issues which I'm working through and my DH has been a saint - not sure I'd have been if the shoe was on the other foot.

I'm 100% not defending him, but it has taken me a long time to get my head around it - the shame, the guilt and the anxiety is crippling.

Never let him take the baby in the car.
Never leave him alone with the baby.

• if you're worried he will drink.
  

Try and get him to engage with his GP who can refer him to the local community addiction team.

The GP also can't talk to you without his permission, but you can talk to the GP IYSWIM.

Unfortunately, it's not just a case of will power - he needs support to re-wire his brain.

If he's a reader, PM me and I'll send you a list of books which have helped me.

Having said all that - you and the impending baby (congratulations BTW) are the only people who are no1 in importance right now so keep that front of mind. Can you confide in your midwife?

And don't think twice about calling the cops if you think he's drink driving. That totally crosses a line.

Good luck x

[GoldenOmber]

He's still talking to me which is good though, I know it can't have been easy for him to read that email.

I know this is going to sound really brutal, but: STOP treating his feelings about this so carefully even just in your own head. Yes he will have lots of feelings about his drinking but you can't take those on.

It's good you have a plan B for labour. Suggest you start putting in place plan Bs for the rest of your life as well. If he carries on drinking, what happens, would you want to move out? would you want him to move out? what does your life look like? If he says he'll stop and you say "okay great" and then he doesn't, what do you do? You must have already tried to talk him round to seeing that this is an issue that affects you so many times, and he's managed to ignore it, so rather than trying to find a better way to say it on attempt number 24 or whatever, start thinking "all right he's not ever going to do what I want here no matter what I say, so what's my next move?"

It is really shit to have to think of things like this I know. Alcoholics CAN change - but they have to want to, and they have to want to badly enough to really face it head-on, and that can't come from someone else, it has to come from them.

You shouldn't be in a situation where you're having panic attacks at 36 weeks pregnant. I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

[dayowl]

Oh bless you, I’ve been there. Can he go to his GP and talk about it?. He needs to realise for himself that it’s a problem otherwise nothing will change

[stophuggingme]

What a difficult time for you, when you should be so happy and excited.

He really does have to want to change this behaviour and if he isn’t receptive to you on the verge of your giving birth to his baby then I struggle to see what greater incentive there could be, the thing is though nothing trumps drinking for an alcoholic.

Perhaps he will have an epiphany when his child arrives but if not then you need to be prepared for some tough choices as drinking 30 units of alcohol in a night and a newborn baby are not ever compatible.

If he is drinking like this there would be every chance he wouldn’t be allowed in the labour unit anyway so probably a good idea to have an alternative plan. And he will certainly be over the limit the next day so you need to have your wits about you. He should not be driving.

Sorry this is happening to you 💐

[Haffdonga]

I am still hopeful that, now I've spelt things out to him, he can and will change

@TimeIhadaNameChange I'm so sorry but you're kidding yourself.

Do you think there's a single thing you can spell out that he doesn't know himself already? He already knows how much he's drinking and he already knows you're unhappy about it. He already knows there's a baby on the way. He already knows that he broke promises to you to stop. Either he's telling himself you're being ridiculous and there's no problem, or that he doesn't care or that he's powerless to stop. Whatever his justification to keep drinking - you can't change it by magic words.

Please get yourself support. Please don't wait for him. Look after yourself and your baby. Perhaps one day he will want to make the changes you hope for, but that's only for him to decide. In the meantime you need to make the changes to your life that will provide a stable safe home for you and your baby.

[AFitOfTheVapours]

So sorry this is happening to you, especially when you are so close to your due date. I have also been in your situation and have finally ended my marriage to my “functional” alcoholic. My advice, as others have said, is don’t worry about his feelings so much. You are going to have to be quite brutal in your words and attitudes if you are going to break through his denial. Even if you are successful with that (it can be VERY hard), he may still not agree to get help. My husband is now facing losing his family and children and still won’t accept rehab or counselling when it is placed right in front of his nose.
Re driving your children, you are absolutely right and justified to be worried. He may try to make you feel like you are being over-sensitive/neurotic etc for trying to stop him. You are not! If he is drinking that much (and it could secretly be more and more frequent than you know), he is rarely, if ever, going to be fit to drive. If he does try to drive whilst drunk/morning after, you should report him to police and not feel a single trace of disloyalty.

Very best of luck with the baby

[BrigidSt]

'Plan B for the rest of your life'. Totally, exactly this.
He isn't safe, not for you, or your baby. Tell your midwife, prepare for labour and birth as if he doesn't exist. You cannot trust him or rely on some magical transformation that occurs as your baby is born. He could kill a baby by accident, pissed.