DP is an alcoholic

[thepatioislumpy]

DP has always enjoyed a drink (as do I) but over the last few months it's been getting out of control. He's been drinking 9/10 pints most days, sometimes more. After turning up to my choir concert drunk and then turning up to my children's choir concert drunk we had a conversation each time which resulted in him agreeing that he was drinking too much and that he needed to cut down for his health, though he refused to accept he was drunk.

I was away for six days recently on holiday. Whilst I was away he had my boys (12&8) plus my girls at home (21&19). He also had his boys (13&11) for the weekend. DP got so drunk that DD1 had to bring the boys home as he couldn't even string a sentence together let alone walk them home safely. That was the last time he had a drink - July 7th.

I returned home on July 9th. The next day we had a long conversation where he agreed he's been drinking too much and that was why he hadn't drunk since the 7th. I said I couldn't go on as we were and that I thought a period of not drinking would be a good idea. He agreed that a couple of weeks off would be good. I said I'd been thinking of a longer period like a year - so now that's what he's committed to. To "keep me happy". I've told him repeatedly that it's not about keeping me happy - that is 100% not the right motivation at all.

In order not to drip feed, he's also been using coke. Not masses, but enough. I knew he'd bought 1g. He told me last week it was 2g but then last night he doesn't know where I got that info from and he's definitely only bought 1g. He's also agreed to stop this.

I've had an apology but only once I pointed out that I hadn't had one. He said he had apologised and I said that "I'm sorry you feel that..." isn't actually an apology at all.

I'm angry and hurt and disappointed. He seems to think I should be over it. He also seems to think that the fact that he's been so good in helping me while I've been studying for a really intense degree should offset the alcohol and coke misdemeanours. I don't. You can't earn weekend passes or anything like that. You're either doing helpful things cos you're a nice person or you're a dick, imvho.

I'm going to an al-anon meeting on Thursday night. I don't know what to expect. But I know I need support.

I love him so much. He's the only person I've ever loved like this but I don't know how to move forwards with this. I feel like he's still minimising and deflecting though he doesn't accept that. I don't want to end the relationship but I will not have my kids suffering any more than they already have.

Any support gratefully received.

[puppylambkins]

No advice except please go to al anon meetings give them a go. I'm in the same position as you but further down the line. Al anon helps you to focus on you not the drinker. It was a lot to get my head round but it does help.

[PotteringAlong]

I don't want to end the relationship but I will not have my kids suffering any more than they already have.

But if they’re living with someone who is addicted to alcohol and coke then they will suffer, there’s no way around it. So you have to decide what’s more important to you; him or them.

And that’s harsh, I know. But it’s also true. Tell him to come back when he’s sorted himself out. And leave him to it.