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Alcohol support

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Original poster

Is my boyfriend an alcoholic ?

18 replies

cjcmjw12 · 23/05/2019 23:35

My partner is a high functioning, hard working man, he holds down a full time job and supports our family but he is drinking every day (afternoon/evening)! 1, 2, 3 or even 5 or 6. Vodka, beer, red wine anything that he can get his hands on he will drink. Good day/bad day, either is an excuse for a few beers! If I ever say anything about it all I get it "if I want to have a couple of beers every night in my own home then why cant I!" But every night he will have some kind of alcohol! The weekend, Friday and Saturday there is no doubt that he will be drunk and even though he says he isn't it gets to the point where he cant hold his balance, slurs his words and rarely remembers our conversation the next day! I hate it when he is like this but can never breech him about this because of his straight away defensive, angry reaction!
I just want a man who doesn't have to rely on alcohol to be able to be "in a good mood" I want to be able to have sex with my partner without thinking he cant because he has had a drink! Weekend sex is just a right off at the moment as he is always drunk! I just dont know what to do, we have brought a house together and I love him to bits but I just dont know if this is normal or am I just over reacting?

OP posts:
DioneTheDiabolist · 23/05/2019 23:41

Your boyfriend is an alcoholic OP.Sad

littlecabbage · 23/05/2019 23:43

Not normal at all.

Wond3rment · 23/05/2019 23:46

From your description I would say that he is an alcoholic

pallisers · 23/05/2019 23:46

Yes he is.

If it helps to put it another way, without the word "alcholic", he is utterly dependent on alcohol.

Do you find he won't do things with you (visiting friends for weekends/going away to an event) because he won't be able to control his alcohol intake? When did he last have an alcohol free day?

No this isn't normal. In the end of the day you have to decide will you stick with him and all his dependence on alcohol will entail. Or do you deserve something better.

Don't expect him to change for you. If he wanted to he would have done so already. Years ago I had a plumber in the house who was very chatty and when we were talking he said to me "I used to have a few beers every night but my girlfriend said to me "that isn't on for me so if you want us to continue that won't work" so I stopped and now I have a beer when we go out". He wanted her more than he wanted the few beers. Maybe he was fine anyway and maybe she was controlling but maybe not. And now he was perfectly happy in control of his drinking and with his girlfriend.

Nanalisa60 · 23/05/2019 23:50

Then make sure he does not become your husband!!

Come on you know you deserve better then this!!

Original poster
cjcmjw12 · 23/05/2019 23:59

It can be so hard because he can have days when he doesn't have a drink, it's kind of like a cycle... I bring it up, it slows down but then gradually he slips back into bringing 4 cans home most nights.
I wouldn't say he relies on it because he can go a day or so without it... but then why else would you have 3 vodka and coke on a Tuesday night.
I'm not a big drinker I only drink if I'm out to get drunk so I dont see why he has to but he doesn't seem to think there is a problem with it at all!!

Thank you for all your replies they do help!!

OP posts:
Original poster
cjcmjw12 · 24/05/2019 00:02

Sorry to add to that, he does do things with me. We go out to events, parties but it's me who tries to avoid doing things that can involve alcohol because I know he will end up drunk.

OP posts:
MashedSpud · 24/05/2019 00:09

Sounds like he’s drinking to block things out (maybe work) and it’s turned into a very regular thing.

Could he not drink any alcohol for a week with no complaints?

Original poster
cjcmjw12 · 24/05/2019 00:15

He 100% couldn't give up alcohol for a week!

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 24/05/2019 00:17

You are being affected by his drinking, and you are worried about his drinking. He most definitely has a problem and he is probably an alcoholic. You've already tried to talk to him and he seems unable to give it up. He gets angry when he's drunk.

You'll have years of this if you stay in the relationship. Your money and time and emotional energy will all go down the drain. You'll constantly be the adult taking responsibility. You won't be able to relax on nights out. You won't be able to relax on nights in. Your life will be shit.

Issue an ultimatum and be prepared to leave if he can't see he has a problem, and if he fails to do something about it. Don't bother issuing an ultimatum if you aren't going to leave.

Whatever you do do not have children. You will be their sole caregiver. Nobody will really help you because they'll think you aren't a single mother, though you will be doing all of the parenting yourself. You won't be able to go anywhere at night unless you're happy to leave DC in the care of a drunk person.

Alcoholics tend to get a lot worse before they get better, if they get better.

Have a look at Al-Anon. You can't help him. You can't control him. You will drive yourself crazy if you attempt either of these things, because he is the only one who can help himself.

He won't be there for you when you need emotional support. It's a really shit life, OP. Get out now.

IsThisIt82 · 24/05/2019 00:19

He is and leave him please while you can. You deserve better.

Apileofballyhoo · 24/05/2019 00:22

I'd also advise you to go for counselling.

Original poster
cjcmjw12 · 24/05/2019 00:31

But I dont know how i should approach the conversation! I dont want to end the relationship, as silly as this may sounds, we have our perfect little family, we do family things, we laugh.... a lot, we have a very good relationship 95% of the time. The alcohol problem is just always in the back of my mind and is the only thing we ever seem to argue about.
I know what I need to do, I suppose it's just hard when someone is so kind and caring other than having a problem they cant seem to see is going to ruin something so good!

OP posts:
pallisers · 24/05/2019 00:36

Many alcoholics are actually lovely most of the time.

You do what my plumber's girlfriend did. You say "I'm not going to live with someone who needs to drink every night. Not arguing the rights or wrongs just saying it isn't for me. So you make the decision"

And see what happens. Who knows? he may decide you are worth more than a drink. But if he doesn't .. if he says you are controlling/wrong etc. well that is him saying your boundaries and expectations don't matter. It isn't unreasonable to want your partner to be sober in the evenings.

Original poster
cjcmjw12 · 24/05/2019 00:48

Thank you to your reply I really appreciate it

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 24/05/2019 11:15

I feel so sorry for you, OP. I hope you get out. He doesn't sound remotely like he thinks he has a problem.

HopeClearwater · 24/05/2019 23:09

we have our perfect little family

Yes we had that too, once. I kept hoping that my alcoholic DH would care about it enough to stop drinking.
He didn’t. He’s now dead.

heartyrebel · 03/06/2019 18:37

Yes he is, and it only gets worse unfortunately.

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