Is it my fault

[Shezza71]

Back story. AH has had drink problem for about 4 years, maybe longer. At his worst he was drinking 3/4 litre whisker a day.
Fully functioning, but developed a very unpleasant personality. Never violent, just nasty comments and constantly putting me down.
He blamed work, boredom, teenage kids with untidy bedrooms, me, an untidy house, the weather!! For his drinking.
Finally realised he had a problem about 10 months ago. Started going to AA meetings, managed 4 months sober, but keeps slipping up.
He now drinks vodka, generally buys a small 35cl bottle and drinks it while out walking the dog.
When I ask him why, it's because things never change.
I'm so fed up with walking on eggshells in case something upsets him.
Is it really my fault? Or is he going to drink regardless and then try and lay the blame elsewhere.
He's drunk a 35cl bottle of vodka tonight, 11.00pm, supposed to be at work at 7.30. He's an HGV driver, so now I have to try and stop him from going to work, I think.

No not your fault please read this
al-anonfilter.blogspot.com/2010/10/three-cs-i-didnt-cause-it-i-cant.html?m=1

so now I have to try and stop him from going to work, I think

If he goes to work, you call the police and tell them. I did this to my husband. Couldn’t live with the thought of him possibly destroying someone’s life.

Also - how much longer can you live like this? It’s easy for him to blame you but he is fooling himself. He’s been in AA long enough to know it’s down to him and no one else.

It’s not your fault at all. You may not want to hear this but I say change things. Divorce him. Put the DC and yourself first because he clearly won’t accept responsibility for his behaviour.

Regarding his job, does the vehicle he drives have one of those “if van driven badly call this number” stickers? If so, call anonymously say you think the driver looked drunk.

Someone will say that is unreasonable but if he has an accident due to drink driving in an HGV it could be much worse than a standard sized car.

I work with addicts. It's always someone else's fault. Much easier than actually taking full responsibility for your fuck ups.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, you have nothing to do with his choice to walk into a shop, choose a bottle of vodka, pay for it and walk out if the shop and then swig it as soon as he can, somewhere in public after checking that he can't be seen. You didn't cause him to do that, it was his choice. You can't control his choices to do this and nothing you can do will cure him. He has to do that.

You are in s really tough place at this moment. I can't really recommend anything to make it better, because in my experience, nothing makes it better. You will end up feeling that anything you try just doesn't work and makes everything worse.

Because:
It's all down to him, to seek treatment to be responsible and to make the right choices to manage his illness

It's a long drawn out illness that takes years to recover from.

I am sorry if I sound negative and hard, but I still having to deal with the wreckage caused by a long term, in denial alcoholic who blames me for all if it

^what she said.

Alcoholics don’t follow through on their own logic do they. If you caused him to be an alcoholic / drink to excess, why wouldn’t he leave? Why would he stay? My PIL never saw this. If their son was an alcoholic because of me, he could have just left and found his sobriety. But he carried on drinking once I’d asked him to leave.

TBH the average alcoholic in the street, doesn't know what makes them drink their denial causes them to lash out when faced with confrontation. And saying "you make me drink" is an easy thing to say because in that moment of confrontation, they are actually needing a drink. What you will find is any reason, at that moment in time, will do.

she looked at me funny, I need a drink
I won the lottery, I need a drink
The day went well, I need a drink
The day went bad, I need a drink
The children are good I need a drink
The children are bad, I need a drink
I love you I need a drink
I hate you, I need a drink

The common theme is that they need a drink, because they haven't come to terms with their own addiction and they reason that feeling out by what is going on around them at that moment.

If you find a support group, like alanon or something similar you will find people who can give you advice about looking after yourself and detaching from the drinker.

Of course it's not your fault. He's an alcoholic so his primary relationship is with drink. He's lying to himself and to you.

Go to Al Anon and listen. If your DC are teenage you might want to take them too. You'll learn a lot about how to deal with your DH and how to take care of yourself and your DC.