How do i support someone to get sober?

[Whatafustercluck]

Dsis is moving out of the family home with their two dc because she realises she's been enabling bil. She still loves him (and I believe he loves her too, but needs to find out if he loves her more than the alcohol) so for her this is about hoping he'll take responsibility for getting better (she's not ruling out them being together if he gets sober) and putting her and the kids first. Obviously it goes without saying that I'll support her as much as I possibly can throughout this. She's been remarkably strong and remains determined, but it's a huge upheaval for them all. I've made it clear she's absolutely doing the right thing - for everyone.

The thing is, she knows his own family are useless and won't give him the support he will need if he's to get and stay sober, but she also knows that she has to stop enabling him and let him fall and hope he can pick himself up.

I think that if he has no support from his own family he's completely on his own unless I step up, and dsis is grateful that I'm willing to do so.

But my problem is, I just don't know what I should be doing and saying to him in order to support him to help himself. He's not in denial any more, he knows he either has to stop drinking or he's lost his wife and kids for good, but I don't think he's quite hit rock bottom yet and is likely to drink heavily over the next few weeks in particular. I don't know if he has it in him to beat addiction, but I genuinely want to help him to help himself if I can.

Is there any practical advice please on what I might be able to do without minimising/ enabling his alcoholism? It's important for dsis to step back now, but my fear is that if he has nobody he won't get better. He says he's going to an AA meeting tomorrow.

Hmm it's a tricky one. I lived with an alcoholic for 9 years. There was literally nothing I could do to stop him drinking. I tried every approach you can imagine but it made no difference. It has to come from them. I definitely enabled my partner by staying with him and supporting him financially. He had nothing to worry about except getting booze. Your sister has done the right thing to walk out. I was too scared to do this for many years because I thought my ex would die without my support but actually I just kept it all going. Hopefully it will be the wake up call he needs. I don't see what else you can do except check up on him, let him know you're there if he needs someone to talk to.

I'm not saying everyone is the same, but I lived with an alcoholic, (we're not together anymore). He does AA, has been sober for 7 years and honestly he will tell you there is absolutely nothing you can do to help someone stop drinking - unfortunately, it all has to be him.

If he has nobody then he won’t get better? But he had his family and still didn’t stop.
You can’t make anyone stop drinking. If he really wants to stop then he will but you can’t make that happen.
Al anon supports families.

To be honest, there isn't a lot you can do. He needs the support of people who've been where he is, which AA should provide to him. He may need the support of his GP and if nothing else he should go and get his drinking problem on record because it makes it much, much harder to deny.

The rest comes from him. There's nothing you can do to stop him drinking. You can't monitor him, you can't be asking him all the time if he's drinking. That's the whole reason your sister is stepping back.

You can tell him you will offer him practical help, e.g. lifts to meetings, you could also talk to him about how he puts strategies in place to cope with every day situations which might trigger him to drink. But his sponsor will be better placed to do that - he's way more likely just to tell you what he thinks you want to hear, esp as he will assume you are passing the info on to his wife.

You can buy him this book, which I recommend a lot on here. This really helped me. But he has to hit his rock bottom and he has to find his own way out. I have to say, him getting the run of the family home doesn't really strike me as him hitting his rock bottom, I'm assuming he refused to move out.

I know I can't make it happen wolfie, I'm saying that if he accepts it's all down to him (which he is now accepting), is there an approach I should be taking - for example, is there any harm in me listening to him if he wants to talk? I don't want to become an enabler, but I don't feel comfortable to ignore him if he wants to talk.

Thank you tribpot. That's helpful.

No, you're right about him getting the family home - I have said as much to dsis. When he's sober he'd say hed move out but when he drinks he reverts to digging his heels in. As he's been increasingly drunk, dsis felt she needed to seize the initiative. Unfortunately I fear that this course of action will continue to facilitate his drinking as the family home is a safety net that will continue to give him the best of both worlds.

It’s so hard. My mum’s been an alcoholic for almost 20 years. I’m still looking for an answer! It is very hard to accept and you do constantly ask “why doesn’t this person love me enough to stop, why aren’t we enough?” But it is not your sister or her children’s fault. It all lies with the alcoholic. I had to accept that I can’t hinge my happiness on her getting sober. Your sister should do the same and focus on her own life, as selfish as it feels at the time it will only do good for the family as a whole and I’m sure your BIL in the long run.

I get how awful it is though. So much guilt, angst and resentment. :(

I know you want practical answers. But I don’t know what works, unless the alcoholic seriously wants to stop. They are adults who are free to make their own (often depressing, terrifying) choices.

Oh and in regard to your last post, yes why not listen to him talk? Talking gets things in the open and can often help any situation.

Watch this, success rate is high, find a sympathetic GP.

You don't really, it's down to them, their choices and their effort.

It depends on your relationship too.

It's a very difficult thing and after trying to support and alcoholic fur 6ctears it more and the effect that the alcoholism gas gas in the children. Our choice us to no longer support but be seperate.

Try alanon,it see if your local rehab center gas a family and carers group.
.It's very difficult and it's heart breaking. Cut just don't get it break you

2nd for Al-Anon for you and your sister.

It's the sister fellowship of A.A. and is solely to support the friends and family of ALcoholics.

Does he WANT to get sober?? Because if he doesn’t then there is absolutely nothing you can do and your efforts will be wasted. They have to want to first 😢

Sorry for my typos it was late and I didn't have glasses on.

This is what I will say there is no support you can give to an active alcoholic who is in denial about their drinking.

They will drink, if you try to "encourage" them to limit their drinking,it just drives it underground and the difficult behaviour gets much worse (lying, deceit denial even theft).

Interventions aren't worth it if the are actively denying they have a problem with drinking.

Frankly the best support is to detach (as alanon shows) and let them work it out themselves.

Its so very hard to deal with and to work out. Your dsuz needs to find a support group so she can have people to work through her feelings with who have been their and understand life with an alcoholic