Alcohol (alcoholics, functional or otherwise) and anger

[Whoopsnowas]

I’ve name changed for this so that I can be blunt and not outed. OH is drinking properly again.

I’m trying to find out more about drinking/alcoholism and anger, not so I can control him (3 C’s and all that) but so that I can better protect the kids and I. I do not engage at all if he has been drinking but he’s still very angry in the day times when he is like this.

If anyone has any websites or information that would be helpful then thank you.

Few links below but my feeling is you should be doing whatever you can and need to do for yourself and your children. An abusive partner is bad enough without one that also has a drinking problem. You can't help, cure or fix anyone that doesn't want or isn't willing to help themselves.

www.verywellmind.com/alcohol-facilitates-aggression-62647

www.drinkaware.co.uk/alcohol-facts/health-effects-of-alcohol/mental-health/alcohol-and-aggression/

www.alcohol.org/co-occurring-disorder/anger-management/

I think you need to think about walking away with the children. He won't change unless he wants to and you need to protect the children.

I asked H to leave in June and the house is much happier without the tension.

I thought it wasn't affecting DD's but it definitely was.

Thank you for the websites, I'm reading through those links. I'm constantly considering my options and getting my ducks in a row. Things are better for me than they were but I still have some way to go before it would work financially.

I'm an alcoholic, over 3 years sober through aa. I've never been angry/scary to be around, more melancholy and full of self pity. Not pleasant to be around anyway. I guess I'm just saying I don't think being an alcoholic causes abusiveness. We do have more resentment but it was more a self pity thing with me and didn't cause me to be nasty to anyone least of all the ones I care about. I think leaving is your best option. Give him the best incentive to change. Good luck.

I grew up with an alcoholic parent and still feel the effe ts nearly 40yrs on, they passed away recently due to alcoholism.

For your children's and your sakes put yourselves first. I lost out on education, career and many occasions were spoilt by the actions of the alcoholic. I spent years in therapy which did help but I do urge you to consider leaving woth your children so they have a stable and secure upbringing.

You won't be able to change manage an alcoholic sadly

Go to al anon. Protect yourself and your kids. You'll never make him change/ he has to want to do it himself and he may need to feel the hard consequences before that happens. Put your boundaries down but be prepared he may never quit. Children of alcoholics are likely to go on and be affected by addiction and mental health issues so think about it carefully before you decide to expose your children to years of emotional abuse.

It's exhausting at the moment, I can see why many people don't leave, you get so worn down to your core by it all. I often worry that mentally I couldn't cope on my own but that's possibly my frazzled brain logic that I am left with this evening!

Thank you for your kind comments.
I have found Alanon very helpful and am past trying to control or cure him and my energy has been put to use elsewhere.

My mother was an angry difficult drunk - she got sober after we all moved out - she’s still angry and difficult, but we can’t blame the alcohol anymore. Alcohol just exposes more of who you are.

@Whoopsnowas

I think it's probably easier on your own - one less thing to worry about!