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Worried

5 replies

Crazycakelady17 · 30/12/2018 14:02

This is going to be long so sorry I’m advance ,I have posted on here before in regards to my mental health,
Quick back story for those who haven’t read my other threads.
I was sexually abused from the ages of 3-7 by my biological father and from the ages of 11-17 by my stepfather (he groomed our family after learning about my biological father)
I got married at 18 moved abroad with my husband and for 15 years we lived away from our local town my husband was made redundant from his job so we decided to move back to our local town I bumped into my stepfather and it triggered off flashbacks I decided I wanted to go to the police,
He was arrested and charged various sexual assault of a child and rape fast forward a year and we went to court this was extremely difficult.
I was sectioned a month after the trial as my mental health was so bad I have diagnosis of ptsd depression and anxiety.
I have been voluntaraily back in hospital twice since over the last 12 months the latest being 2 weeks ago.
I dependantly drink to cope with my emotions nightmares and flashbacks.
Since my last suicide attempt (have had at least three serious life threatening attempts) and 3 visits to a and e in the last month
Social services are now doing a section 47 child protection investigation
I’m devastated but I know my older child (17) has seen way too much
I’m so scared they will ask me to leave the family home till I’m sober/mental health under control 😢
My children are thriving in school never late are clean bright lovely children who do many out of school activities all of which I facilitate as my husband works away/long hours,
I wonder if anyone else with mental health or addiction problems have any dealings with social services and what I can expect I have got myself into such a state reading loads of info on the web
If you have got this far thank you Any support of advice is gratefully appreciated

OP posts:
Threadastaire · 30/12/2018 20:56

Hi OP,
I'm a social worker, I don't have personal experience of what you're going through but I can give some advice about your general situation if that will provide any reassurance, I'm sorry you're in such a difficult position. Your backstory sounds absolutely horrendous and I'm so sorry you had to go through that, to be the victim of such abuse at any age is horrible but at such a young age and twice is incomprehensible.

You have to understand though that no matter how sympathetic a professional might be to the reasons why you drink, and the causes of your mental ill health, that the standard of 'good enough care' that social services are required to assess doesn't change. By that i mean a child's right to be safe, to have an adult around them who is responsible, who can react appropriately in an emergency, be loving, caring and emotionally available. No matter what the cause, if you are drunk and/or suicidal and the children are in your sole care that isn't safe and it would be a frightening position for a child to be in. You sound like you're already aware of that happening at times so I'm not going to labour the point, I know its not something you want for your children.
So what next? Well, many parents have situations where children aren't safe for many reasons. A social workers job is about trying to work with you to reduce the risks whilst keeping the family together. Its unusual to order a parent to leave the family home unless there's a direct threat to a child (a common one would be a parent who is violent either to the child or the other parent for example, where there's a high chance of violence repeating).
What is more likely and what it might help you to start considering now, is what support you can draw on to protect your children. If you're drinking a lot of the time, you need someone else to be around to help care for the children - can your partner or any other family support? If your drinking and your feelings around suicide fluctuate, are you able to identify when you're going downhill? Or can people around you identify that? Do you have strategies in place (kids going to friends, a supportive mental health team etc?)
I've worked with parents with fluctuating conditions (eg bipolar) to develop safety plans where the parent is able to identify when things are starting to go off kilter and know who and when to get others involved for support, including who the children will go to when there's hospital stays involved etc, who will take them to school, all of those sort of things can help mitigate the risk. The best plans involve the children themselves so they know whats going to happen (obviously what info is shared is age dependent, but young children can be included if its done right) Safety plans dont' have to be as intensive as to require others to do childcare, but can include lots of little things that make a difference eg one person doing a school run, access to an after school club, a child having a sleepover at their friends. Anything that adds up to taking the pressure off enough that you can get through and the impact on the children is minimised.

NB i didn't want to come at you with a list of services as that's something that as professionals we tend to do too quickly (can be a bit one size fits all) but if you drink to cope with flashbacks i just wondered if you've ever had any kind of support to deal with those symptoms?

Crazycakelady17 · 31/12/2018 14:24

Thank you thread for your reply,
The children do go to my mums or in-laws when I’m struggling and I have a strong supportive family
Husband is fantastic when he’s here,
The children have seen a lot especially the oldest but even my 8 year old has seen me be taken in a ambulance which I’m deeply ashamed about
I want to change but it’s hard I’m engaging with alcohol services and have a strong supportive mental health team I also am starting to have Carers coming twice a week from next Friday (help me leave the house shopping, coffee etc)
I’m going to work with the social worker and will take on board any suggestions she has
We are having a child action meeting in the new year at the youngest school.
The worst thing that could happen is they separate us as that will just send me into a spiral I’m just about clinging on now
Husband has been off since Friday before Christmas and not back to work till Wednesday
I didn’t drink last night that’s a big thing for me and haven’t drank vodka since Xmas eve (they have asked me to stay off it and just drink wine)

OP posts:
Threadastaire · 01/01/2019 16:46

OP I think if you can, it would be good to be honest with the SW about what you're biggest fear is (about being separated from the kids) as any social worker worth their salt would spell out what you need to do to avoid that or what they see the worst case scenario is that would lead to that. Obviously they can't see every scenario but the example I gave about about violence can be a really simple one 'if you raise a hand to X you will be asked to leave the household' - knowing what things could lead to that make it much easier to deal with, rather than feeling its a vague threat, or something that happens on the whim of a worker (it doesn't)
Be open to the suggestions of the social worker but also be honest about what works for you, and what you or your family feel you need. A plan that you can come up with in conjunction with a social worker will be much more effective than a plan that someone else comes up with for you. Its also really positive to hear ideas from parents because its one of the first signs that they feel ready to start changing things (i don't mean that as a sign of motivation, because motivation is complicated - some people might be desperate for change but the idea is too overwhelming)

Are all your children school age? That is a protective factor in itself as schools can be really helpful and they can keep an eye on the children as to how they are doing/whether they're being impacted.
I'm sorry you feel down about one of your children seeing you go in an ambulance, but again it could be something to work with a social worker about re ensuring that your children have an age appropriate understanding of what happened, you can't change what they have seen but you can help ensure that they have processed it and understand it.
Hope that helps.

Crazycakelady17 · 01/01/2019 19:05

Thanks Thread
Yes all my children are of school age well eldest is at sixth form college.
I will work with the social worker I don’t know when we will next see her probably at the child action meeting when the children go back to school.
I will be honest with her about my fears and all I can do is work with the mental health team and alcohol services.
What do you think will happen at the child action meeting?

OP posts:
Threadastaire · 01/01/2019 19:53

I can't say for certain but I would imagine it'll be for relevant people ( usually you + professionals involved with your children and you) to share information about worries and strengths and come up with a bit of a plan for now.
If you can, try ringing the social worker and checking what the meeting is for and who has been invited as they should really have explained it to you (though they might have assumed you'd know; some families have support multiple times over and are familiar with processes and jargon).
You can also ask if you can take someone with you for support if you want. Its not essential but if you're feeling wobbly or feel you might not remember what's discussed afterwards (they should give you minutes or a summary but that takes time) it can be helpful.
Also if husband isn't around due to work, speak to the social worker about how he'll be included as you're a team and it shouldn't all be on you!

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