How to get 70yo stroke victim to cut down on drink

[ZenNudist]

I don't fancy my chances with this one. Dad is alcohol dependant heavy drinker. Needs to cut down stop to prevent another stroke.

He Never has night off. Usually has at a minimum the lions share or all of a bottle of wine plus 3-6 pints a night. Organises his life around alcohol. He isn't a nice person. Horrible to my mother, and his family, but cant do enough for friends and strangers.

Last week he had a stroke. It was mild. Now lost function in his left side, drags leg and can lift but not use his hand.

He jokes that at least he can still lift a glass with his right hand. He knows drinking could have caused it. Yesterday he was quite reined in for him at Christmas but still had several beers and several bottles of champagne. He was only mildly verbally abusive to a few family members and was repeating himself incessantly watching a film together.

So he won't go to doctors to get help for his alcohol problem. He does have form for stopping things that are bad for him when much younger. I can't see him stopping drinking. For a start all his friends drink and the pub is his life. Everything organises around alcohol.

Its a shame as he likes walking and travel which will be more difficult now.

What do i suggest to get him to cut down? I feel like this is the warning shot and if he doesn't want to end up seriously disabled or dead he should slow down on the drink (doesn't seem realistic he would stop completely).

Help appreciated.

Hi @ZenNudist - my dad is in a similar situation although neither he nor my mother would admit that he's alcohol-dependent. I think my mum is massively in denial - for example, my sister told me on the phone that she often sees him working his way through a bottle of wine, whereas my mum insists he just has the odd pint of beer at the weekend etc.

My dad had a major stroke and still has a blocked artery. However he's been incredibly lucky and the physical effects he's been left with are moreso personality changes than disabilities - and he's not really aware of them. So I don't think he's motivated to make the lifestyle changes he should.

I'm not sure there's much you or I can do to get them to cut down on drinking, although I'm considering resorting to emotional blackmail - if something happened to him, he'd be leaving my mum behind to cope etc. I'm not sure this is a good way of doing it, though!

What do i suggest to get him to cut down?

Nothing. Detach, for your own sake.

He won’t stop (which he should) or cut down. He is an alcoholic. You can’t control his drinking. You can only control your response.

Thanks for these responses. Im not exactly breaking my heart over it. Its sad but Ive put up with 40years of shitty behaviour from him. Have learned how to tolerate it got used to his behaviour ruining things. I don't want him to end up a burden to my mum. To a lesser extent i dont want her to end up on her own, although i think she would be okay socially but will rely on me and my brother more.

@RedPandaFluff emotional blackmail wouldnt work he is a very selfish person particularly over drinking. Martyr-like selflessness in other ways. He tries to do right by family but is often/always nasty or goes on about it afterwards. If i mentioned him leaving mum alone or being a burden hed shrug it off.

Sigh i hoped this might be the chink in the armour and a chance to get him to change behaviour. Guess where he is now? Yep off to the pub. He did well to hold out until 4pm!

Unfortunately there is nothing you can say or do, he has to want to cut back. If the stroke hasn't made him think not much will. Alcoholic's as with all addicts are monumentally selfish. Just protect yourself as much as you can.

My friend had a minor stroke, which he would have made a full recovery from, if he'd done the physio. Apart from going out for a coffee. He's withdrawn from absolutely everything he used to do. Still drinks but at home. I have given up with him. I can't get through to him.

You know there is hot It you can do to make him change his mind about drink.
There best you can do is support your mum.
Its very tough to be with an alcoholic.

Sorry about the typo, I was trying to say ' there's not a lot you can do'

Have a look at www.drinkwiseagewell.org.uk there's a webchat on there too x

Is he still under care from the hospital? Sometimes there is an alcohol or substance misuse nurse who can talk about options with your dad, there are also local alcohol treatment providers who maybe able to offer some outreach at home if his ability to move is limited, particularly if the doctors agree that his drinking will cause further strokes.

You can afford to be quite business like about it with any nurses or other professionals, be matter of fact about how much he drinks, whether there are interactions with medicines which need monitoring -do not sugar coat it, but no need to be cruel either, just put one foot in front of the other.

There are options,but these are all in your dads gift to takeup or decline- much nore important to look after yourself and your mum.

Well he's just staggered off to bed, had a skin full. Had to be helped up the stairs by dh. Dsis is a doctor and gone to test weakness in his leg. It seems to have gone again. Mum is afraid its another stroke and dsis couldn't allay her fears.

Its a poor do when you can't tell if someone is pissed or having another stroke.

Im aware i must seem quite callous mumsneting rather than rallying round.

Nope - not callous at all in my opinion - I'm assuming this is a slow culmination to an inevitable situation, so on some level you know its coming, its just god awful when it does eventually hit.

My only advice is to try and marshall your resources, from my own experience there were many years of poor and declining health.

If you manage to have clear conversations about their capacity and wishes, if they would consider a detox, if they consider their alcohol use as something they need help with - you will be further down the line than many are able to go.

Nearly updated this at 4 a.m. this morning but thought that that was maybe a little bit stupid. Id just got back from the hospital.

Just after my last post we decided that Dad needed medical attention. We started off with 111 and ended up with an ambulance trip to the hospital and they kept him in overnight after doing tests again. He's back again today and he's improved so can move his hand a bit again and can walk again.

@Timeforabiscuit I find it quite hard to talk to him but I did broach the phrase that you mentioned about a detox and asked him about cutting down under medical supervision. He didn't want to talk about it of course. But he did say "I'll just have to cut down". I also mentioned being concerned that we were facing a few years of his poor and declining health. He is of course in denial about that as we all would be.

So we can but hope that last night scare has forced him to face up to at least reducing his alcohol intake.

I'm shattered!

Hope you manage to get some rest, well done on broaching the subject its so hard bringing alcohol up especially with a parent.

You all must be in a very scary place right now so I hope your dads health settles.

It won’t. You need to protect yourself and your mental health. I’m aftraid if he wants to slowly kill himself with alcohol then there’s nothing you can do. He needs to stop. He clearly has no intention of even trying to.

Well he's gone home now and any kind of attempt at alcohol control is out of my hands. I've said my bit.

I don't really think that even at this stage cutting down alcohol will necessarily stop the strokes. But if I were in his position I would certainly not want to risk it.

Turn out that he had had a second stroke on Boxing Day evening. We hope that he has been scared into healthier habits.

I've never known him not to drink so at this point in time it doesn't seem likely that he will really cut down. The chances of him mentioning it to any health care professional is nil.

I think I'm just going to try and encourage good drinking from him. My mother-in-law was pretty horrified that my brother was filling up my dad's glass on Christmas Day. I also did not bother to shift off the sofa when he was asking someone to get him another drink.

I think I'm just going to have to settle good example and say that I am cutting back on alcohol because I don't want to end up having strokes when I'm in my 70s. HINT HINT .

@Timeforabiscuit thanks for asking after me. I was exhausted on the 27th. Thankfully have had time to get back to normal and get a bit more rested. I could do without any more drama for a while fingers crossed.

I have been in your shoes. My DF was an alcoholic. He did rehab, it worked after about the 4th attempt.
He was sober for a couple of years, and still died of a stroke.
Please take care of yourself, you can't do anything to change stuff.
You did make me smile when you said you refused to get off the settee

It is very painful when you glimpse that the whole set up is part of the problem, like the automatic topping up of drinks, rather than a single persons force of will - it can feel very isolating and scary, I truly hope you have people close to you who are away from your dads situation - talking things through with them can really help with perspective and just dealing with the fallout as it comes.

Just as a cautionary, family can lash out and victimise on the flimsiest provocation - especially once the initial crises is over on those who appear the "strongest". So if you have any weird family dynamics you might have benefit of some counselling specialising in family substance misuse, or lean on some good friends and get a decent amount of distance from the situation on a regular basis.

If you cant do that really make time for your mental wellbeing (if you google 5 ways to wellbeing its a good starting point).

Fingers crossed for a drama free New Year for you all.