I'm not an alcoholic, but I hate drunk me

[dontwanttobeme]

How do I get help with that? I need to understand why I can hardly ever drink responsibly. So many appalling, shameful things I've done when drunk that I can't ever get away from.

I know the answer is to just stop drinking, and if that's what it takes, so be it. I'm sick of who I am. I only drink maybe once a month, max. But when I do, I just don't know when to stop. I am my drunk mothers drunk daughter. The arguments that went on in my home as a child should have put me off, but they haven't.

I can't go to AA. I'm not ill. I'm just a horrible, stupid drunk. I want to be a decent human being who can drink socially and responsibly. Is that beyond me?

What happened this weekend?

I have a similar story to yours OP. I did it. Reduced alcohol then gave it up completely. One of the best decisions I’ve ever made. That was about 18 months ago. Mental well-being much improved. Physical changes like a reduction in weight and an improvement in skintine and clarity are noticeable. I have way more disposable income now I’m not buying alcohol. I enjoy going to bed after a night out knowing I’ll have a decent sleep and not feel hungover in the morning!

I'm not being nosy, you don't have to say but you sound like you are in the grip of the beer fear. Perhaps whatever happened isn't as dreadful as you think?

There seems to be a few issues here rather than it being about alcohol as much, I think it's just your release from all your shit. I think you should speak to a councellor to talk through some stuff to gain clarity on how you feel, because it's not about the alcohol for you.
You're going to be fine I'm sure, good luck! X

I can't say @serialtester. I'm too ashamed, but trust me, it is.

That was an all dayer. But one of my previous "situations" was after only about 4 drinks. My heart was in the right place, but I told someone else's feelings on something which caused a fallout and really hurt my best friend. I couldn't eat or sleep for days and confessed. Thank god she forgave me in the end.

But I clearly haven't learned enough from that.

@jackio2205 What do you mean?

That's exactly how I felt about alcohol. Gave up completely a year ago. I too was really worried about being boring etc, because I'm quite introverted. However, once I got over the initial hurdle of being completely sober in daunting social situations. I've never been more confident. I can do it, i'm never gonna be that bubbly, awesome at small talk person.
However, I can confidently talk to new people, have a dance, make the odd joke, and be Confident in doing that. As a non drinker I'm inevitably tired before the drinkers, so sometimes call it a night earlier, but noone minds.

Noone actually thinks of me as boring, it turns out that was just my insecurities talking. People seem to still want me at social events. I definitely feel better in myself since giving up alcohol, I no longer feel i have to be social. Or pretend I'm more interesting than I am. I'm perfectly happy and confident being unsociable, or quieter. Basically more myself, and that's all confidence is isn't it. Comfortableness in your own skin.

Hopefully this makes sense!

@dontwanttobeme just where you mentioned a hard growing up and issues with mums alcohol, as 'normal' as they might be in comparison to other peoples issues we all have our mountain and you have a right to be angry, upset or have whatever feeling towards your life. But I think the fact you've mentioned those things is a bit of an indication that they possibly have a part to play, so I think if you talk to someone you might be able to get your head around some things and maybe drinking wouldn't unleash a different side to you?

I know that sounds deeeeeep, but my best mate was in the exact same position and it didn't get better until she spoke to someone and worked out a few things x

@dontwanttobeme i mean also that 'its not about the alcohol' as in you don't drink regularly enough for it to be an addiction/dependance/reliance, medically speaking anyway x

Maybe. I just know that no one can answer my questions. And that's made me cry just to write it. Certainly no point talking to someone face to face about all that.

But thank you for being so thoughtful

You just thinking is good and a positive step. You might think differently tomorrow, who knows. But you know tonight that there are people who understand.

@dontwanttobeme councellors don't always give you answers, but certainly listen to you and confront some issues, even look at things in a different way which can help hugely. Why don't you give one a try? Can't say fairer than that, you'll never know if they can help if you don't try? X

I will give it some proper thought @jackio2205

Thank you.

@dontwanttobeme hope things seem a bit more hopeful this morning xxx

You have to decide what is more important to you - 1) the desire to carry on drinking alcohol or 2) the desire to stop this destructive behaviour. Because at the moment, however embarrassed and ashamed you are, the shame is clearly not enough to have made you stop drinking. And if drinking is more important to you than your reputation , peace of mind, friendships etc, then I'd say you have a significant alcohol problem (whether you call it alcoholism or not).

I bet you're not boring when sober. Maybe kicking this problem will give you the confidence to come out of yourself without the booze.

My desire to stop this behaviour is stronger. I want to be a good person, and when I drink, there is no guarantee of that. I can't rust myself and not should anyone else.

But how come other people don't have to choose? Does it mean that they just are good, whereas I have to make extra effort?

Seriously, people are a lot more boring when they're drunk than when they're sober.

Have a look at the Jason Vale book - I've heard so many people say he changes the way you think about alcohol.

OP, my guess is that you have an alcohol problem, not a personality problem. People who struggle with drinking don’t do so because they’re “bad” people.

I've now done Christmas Day and New Years Eve without drinking. Xmas day was easy as that was just a quiet day with family. New Years Eve was a little bit more challenging as it was with friends, and they were trying to persuade me otherwise, and I was feeling a bit out of my comfort zone, but I survived.

Got another family party on Saturday, which I think will be the hardest. My brothers and SIL will all be drinking and expecting me to join in. But it felt good waking up yesterday, with a clear conscience and no fear.

I hope you all had a great Christmas and New Year, sober or refreshed! X

That’s amazing OP. Well done. This was my 3rd sober Christmas and new year and I still wouldn’t swap it.

Well done @dontwanttobeme , good for you, keep it up!! X

Another not too bad night out. One brother must have tried about half a dozen times to get me to have a drink, but he failed, and this night was actually probably easiest as it was family and I could just be myself, didn't feel overshadowed by bigger personalities, etc.

That's me till the end of the month for nights out, I think. That one will be with my regular group of good friends, but I'm not dreading it ... yet!

Well done OP. You sound much happier