I am an alcoholic.

[champagnedarling]

First time poster here.

I've finally admitted to myself that I have a problem with alcohol. It's affected my work, my relationships and my life for years but I've never admitted it to myself because it's always been my little pleasure/crutch....

Some background. I have aspergers, diagnosed a few months ago, very very high functioning, above average intelligence etc. Cannot connect with anyone emotionally above an acquaintance level. For years alcohol has been my crutch to deal with self loathing, anxiety etc....I genuinely do feel so much better about myself after a drink. Yet the day after I am constantly panicking as I can't remember what I have done, etc.... I can't socialise or function without a drink as it makes me feel more normal/less awkward etc. Yet the majority of my drinking is alone. I sink two bottles of wine every night where I don't have to be up for work in the morning. When I have work I don't drink at all but I resent it and count down the days until I can drink again.

My problem isn't how often I drink but when I drink I can't stop until I pass out. I've been in so many shit situations from alcohol abuse- think sexual assault, mugging, being attacked etc. I put myself in danger time and time again cause I can't give up the booze. The thought of being sober forever fills me with horror. I live alone and don't know what I would do with myself on my days off if I wasn't drunk. I know this is a problem and I've finally admitted it, just wondered if anyone could offer similar experiences and/or advice.

Thanks for reading.

So sorry to hear of your troubles.

I just would like to give you a big hug right now and say everything will be alright soon.

You have taken the first step, acknowledging the issue. Go get help from GP, AA wherever and work from there.

I wish you well, don't know what else to say, except try to stay safe even if you continue to drink for now.

@nicoala1 thank you so much for your kind words. I know I need to make a serious life change, I just don't know how if that makes sense.

Like I said I don't feel the need to drink every day but it feels like it's controlling my life. I want so many things out of life and I know if I stop drinking I can achieve them but at the same time I can't imagine a life without alcohol. It's so pathetic.

hugs to you.

OP, hopefully someone who has been in similar circumstances will come along soon with some advice for you.

If the thread dries up, don't worry. It is Christmas prep time and many are very busy.

Start a new thread if you need to. People are very kind usually, and understand situations like yours.

But you must take the first step yourself. Go to your GP. Don't be worried or embarrassed or anything, they have seen everything and nothing will faze them ever. They will advise and send you to places and organisations that will help. That is their job!

All the best my love.

I'm sorry to read all you've wrote and I hope you will find the strength and courage to visit a doctor.

You won't be judged.

The best of luck to you for the future.

Hi OP, another autistic woman here. I used to drink a lot too - stopped probably four years ago, maybe more. I found it was a helpful way of a) smoothing social situations b) levelling the playing field and c) it’s nice to have a drink after a day that is enormously stressful for all the reasons that come along with life, let alone autistic life. However I realised I had to stop because wine o’clock was getting earlier and earlier, and I didn’t want my children to notice as they got older. I did Dry January and it was torture. Then I found that if I just kept going, one day after another, I could manage, somehow. Counselling helped too - I found a therapist who was experienced with autistic people, but just having somewhere to talk really has helped. If you can afford to find a counsellor privately, you won’t have to wait (the idea of being put on a list was grim, so my treat to myself is therapy once a week). You’ve done an amazing thing in admitting it to yourself and saying it out loud. Sending suitably cautious autistic hugs/vague pats of sympathy.

This is sobering- no pun intended- because I genuinely did not feel like my life had any issues to feel sorry for. Evidently that's not the case. Maybe my 'normal' is just not normal after all....

You wouldn't guess it to know me in real life but I've always felt different etc and worse off than others, then I beat myself up and think I'm attention seeking.

Thank you so much ladies.

Sorry to read this. I’ve had a drink problem but successfully moderating now, but in some ways that’s harder than not drinking at all. There are some good books you can read to help you. The fact you aren’t drinking every day or in the morning etc hopefully means that although you have a disordered relationship with alcohol and are a problem drinker means you’re not physically dependent at least.

There’s also the Brave Babes Battle Bus thread on here which offers great support.

@aspieanon thank you so much! Awkward stilted hugs to you also.

I'm reasonably well off and can afford therapy so that's a good solution. I've struggled with self esteem issues hugely prior to diagnosis- having no self identity meant that any criticism was taken as gospel and I would drink to forget that and become my idealised version of myself. I think I denied being autistic for years.

@Mummerc @Schmoobarb thank you so much for your kind words and advice. What a lovely community this is.

OP, just wanted to add my voice of encouragement. You have done a brave thing in posting, and I bet your unflinching honesty will inspire a number of people reading to get the help they need too.

You have made the first step - I feel sure you have the courage to take the next ones too, in seeking help from your GP or perhaps AA.

We are all here cheering you on! 💖

Aa also a lovely community, may help you, give them a call or just go to a meeting, no obligation

OP, most alcoholics use alcohol as a "solution" to finding life difficult. Unfortunately, for most, it eventually ceases to be a solution and becomes another, potentially fatal, problem. If you go to an AA meeting, you will find a room full of people who completely understand you and have been where you are. Many, many people have managed to stop drinking and find a way to make life easier to negotiate using the AA programme. It might work for you, it might not, but really worth giving it a shot.

Also I would definitely recommend having a look online where you’ll find lots of other late diagnosed autistic women (we’re a lost generation). Twitter and
Facebook both have lots, and it’s so nice to discover that “you mean it’s not just me?” feeling when you’ve felt on the outside all your life. Now I’m happier with who I am, I think the need to escape has lessened.

@aspieanon that might help! Sick of hating who I am.

OP, I and my DC's are survivors of living with the type of alcoholic you describe.

What I will say to you, is that you have found the strength to post here about yourself, so a big thumbs up for climbing that first challenging peak.

Channel that strength into seeking help, gaining insight about yourself and challenge yourself hourly not to drink.

Seek help from AA, Addaction, Drinkaware, Steps2Recovery your GP and your closest recovery agency. There is a lot of help out there, non judgemental, supportive and kind help.

You CAN do it.

It will be hellishly difficult at first, you will make mistakes, but constantly challenge yourself to succeed and change how it is for yourself.

I'm not an alcoholic but I've met quite a few recovered ones who are committed to sobriety and all the benefits it brings. I have an intense amount of respect for seeing them over come the challenges, mainly as my alcoholic is chronic and is still actively in drink despite numerous rehabs.

Challenge yourself, change yourself, seek support and use it to better yourself and be the person you can be